


paper dreadful

by empaten02



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Chaptered, Character Death, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Investigations, M/M, Mentions of Underage Sex, Murder Mystery, References to Drugs, Sex, Shooting Guns, Strangers to Lovers, Thriller, Underage Drinking, Weapons, boyfriends finding clues, happy ending kinda, not for the main characters, rich families, series of dark themes, smart boyfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:54:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 58,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28530285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empaten02/pseuds/empaten02
Summary: Jaemin’s eyes are watery, still folding on himself and taking some noisy breaths, chapped lips tasting salt when he starts crying. Someone might think the boy is mourning the loss of a friend, which is still true, he cared about Jisung, yet the real reason rests right in that hug between the young girl and the father of the now gone boy. Where everything started. Jaemin tries to think where things went wrong, conscious everything was already unrecoverable from the very get go.or where Jaemin is asked to calm down, Renjun is mad at him, Jeno is late and the police is investigating a murder.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 16
Kudos: 26





	1. where it all started

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone, i'm back!
> 
> this is my first time trying to write a chaptered fic, and if you're familiar with my works you might be a little surprised by the darker themes completely different and out of my usual range. if you're part of the literal 10 people who read the first three chapters one year ago, paper dreadful might be more familiar to you as 'letters of fear'. (my very first jaemjen fic)
> 
> back then i didn't really have a defined writing style i was confident with, and this story is so thick and filled with very sensitive and triggering topics i warned about in the tags! it was simply bigger than me, and i was unhappy with how i used to write the chapters and i ended up deleting everything. the story is still very demanding, yet i feel i can manage it and maybe bring it back to life with a writing style that makes me comfortable. 
> 
> i'm determined to finish this, it should be around six chapters, so please be patient and bare with me and my timings. (i'll try to update consistently, but also want to be happy with the results and writing takes time! a bit of a crazy idea considering university is busying me right now but i'll try my best <3
> 
> WARNING: i'm italian and here when you're 18 you're completely legal to do whatever (driving, buying and consuming alcohol, smoking, sex) so if these things are triggering for you maybe i suggest to not read this story. also, i know the high school setting is tricky but it's the one that makes most sense for the characters and the original story was thought this way. thank you for your understanding. please check carefully the tags before you start reading 
> 
> now i'll stop talking, enjoy !

Neo Culture High School, April, 11:04

Jaemin counts to ten. He trembles, feels his throat dry and focuses on the sound of his index nail scraping the skin around his thumb until there’s a wet sensation to his digits, opening eyes to smudged blood in a mild wound. He’s sweating, cold and feverish; he only manages to give a smile out of courtesy at Renjun’s parents that are sitting a few rows behind them, trying to keep it together. 

He’s burning down, nose and nostrils hurting and tongue bitten numb in need of something. He shuts his eyes again, not seeing anything is better than the glimpses of everything he fears around the chatty room of the school theatre, filling with parents and students before the school play, waiting for the president’s welcoming words announcing the classes of graduating students. Announcing Jaemin’s last day of school, being a senior.

It should be a happy day, yet his knuckles are turning white pressing at the armchair, pressure strong and weak at the same time with the small sob that escapes his lips, an immediate grounding hand of Renjun on top of him.

“Calm down”. He whispers, gritted teeth. Renjun is right, he can’t allow himself to panic so obviously when the police is currently investigating a murder. Jaemin needs another hold, yet when he desperately looked around as quickly as possible he wasn’t able to spot Jeno. He texted him twice, and he really needs him right now. He wonders why it’s taking him so long and at times like these it’s so easy to panic and fear the worst.

Jaemin tries again. Maybe Jeno is looking for him as well, and he wanders his view around. He already regrets it when he spots Donghyuck and the jittery way his leg doesn’t stay still, Mark next to him holding the boy’s knee down to calm him. Poor Mark who has no idea of what’s going on. Donghyuck looks like a mess, maybe worse than Jaemin and for different reasons. His honey curls are mussy and under his eyes there’s sadness and fear lulling in the foldings of dark circles.

The lump in his throat thickens when he sees the black coat of Mr Park in the room, a disheveled look in his face as he accepts condolences and shares sad smiles with everyone greeting him, shaking hands, hugging, meeting cheeks. Yet Jaemin doesn’t find in his will to feel sorry for him, hatred harbored for that man disgust him more than losing a son. If there’s anyone he feels sorry for, so sorry he wants to cry his eyes out at this very moment but panic doesn’t allow him, is Jisung. Jisung Park who lost his innocent life for a fucked up and corrupted mess his father left behind in a trail, a murder Jaemin witnessed and sees it everytime he closes his eyes.

And he folds forward and lets out a choked sound as he’s about to puke his soul out – and maybe he really is with all the drugs remnants in his body and the nauseous guilt seeing Donghyuck’s family greeting the man and Lia, his classmate’s sister out of all people politely hugging the man. 

Jaemin’s eyes are watery, still folding on himself and taking some noisy breaths, chapped lips tasting salt when he starts crying. Someone might think the boy is mourning the loss of a friend, which is still true, he cared about Jisung, yet the real reason rests right in that hug between the young girl and the father of the now gone boy. Where everything started. Jaemin tries to think where things went wrong, conscious everything was already unrecoverable from the very get go.

“Where is Jeno? Renjun, where is Jeno I need him with me-”.

“Jaemin”. Renjun holds his hand, tries to soothe him and knows there’s only Jeno who can really do that, and also the other wonders where he is. Jeno is never late. “As much as I’m mad at you, and trust me I am, you need to calm down. Please, I’m calling Jeno, okay? I’m sure he’s coming soon, he won’t leave you alone. He never does”. 

Renjun gives him a clipped smile, trying to gain positivity from his own words. “I need you to resist for a while, then it’s over”.

And Jaemin does, through his nauseous state of being sober for too long, eyes focusing on the president starting off by giving a small congratulations speech to the students graduating this year. She’s wearing a formal black suit, holding the microphone and sending an empathy look over where Jisung’s parents are sitting. 

“Unfortunately, not every student will get to experience this special day. I’d like, as president of this school and a mother, to give all my condolences to Jisung Park’s family. Neo Culture High lost a brilliant, kind student and we’ll all miss dearly his bright personality-”.

The woman and everyone else scream with a gunshot up the ceiling, Jaemin flinching close to Renjun with that violent sound between those mellow words of goodbye. Jaemin sees orange bright hair, now circling with one arm the woman who dropped the microphone with another loud thump and Chenle pointing his gun at her temple. 

“Bullshit! That’s a load of bullshit because none of you fucking cares”. Chenle screams, pain in his broken voice cutting through the thick silence and rushed breaths of everyone in the room. Jaemin notices the doors are locked at that moment, spots some masked people threatening with guns and taking their phones away walking through the rows of students, parents and teachers.

Jaemin shares a scared look with Renjun, wondering what the hell is Chenle doing. This is not his battle to fight, so stupid of him to get in trouble even if Jaemin can understand he’s the one hurting the most between all of them. The one who only wanted to keep Jisung safe in his arms as long as he could, Chenle who gave him a promise ring being only sixteen. Chenle who lost the boy he loved the most, lost him for selfishness and malice of greedy hands looking for money and revenge.

“Don’t move or call authorities or I shoot”.

Park Jisung’s mansion, September, 00:30 (probably)

Jaemin’s blouse glows in the purplish lights of the Park’s mansion’s corridors, slots open revealing his gleaming chest. He traces his fingers through the smooth white walls, digits numb and a content smile as his sternum stops following the heavy bass of the music, now muffled inside the house.

Jisung and his parties, this one marking the end of quite a summer. The boy might be young, fifteen and looking shy but his boyfriend always knows how to gather people and throw nights for everyone to get drunk and have fun dipping in the garden’s swimming pool, Jisung’s parents barely there with their business trips.

Jaemin is bored if he’s honest, not sure why he came here instead of following Renjun and Mark to the usual humid and steel smelling matches, maybe could have joined them instead of wandering alone, albeit coming to his last first day of school with a bruising face being freshly an adult is not the best choice, and music rumbling in his bones is better if you get to share it with someone. He turns to one of the living rooms, all wide glass windows and a black leather couch. Jaemin smiles at the view.

Another beauty lost in the night, apparently. Black hair slightly disheveled and the perfect slope of his nose glowing under the moon is all it takes for him to change his mind. Jaemin clicks his tongue, involuntarily bites his slick lips and is about to turn his steps back when he gets a taste of that low voice, incredibly filled with fake naivety. 

“Na, not to the dance floor tonight?”.

Jaemin side glances at him, notices the light mockery filling those mellow eyes squeezed in that addictive eye smile everyone knows. God, everyone would be lucky to have the boy now standing from the couch to say yes to careless closeness.

“Eh, not my plan”. Jaemin wants to curse at how pretty he looks up close, with those bitten red lips, fluttery eyelashes and cheeks pinking from late September’s sweat and alcohol. He smells like alcohol, like the expensive vodka Chenle brought. “What about you, Lee? Pretty boys shouldn’t sit all alone”.

Jeno smiles, his warm fingers hooking curiously under Jaemin’s blouse, tracing the shape of his collarbone. Jaemin might be very drunk right now, because this doesn’t seem likely to happen on any other occasion. It’s not everyday to see Jeno at a party at this hour, and not everyday he’s glancing up at Jaemin with those purposeful eyes glinting with the night.

“Then keep me company”.

Jaemin mouth gapes, quick to slide his palms to the boy’s waist when Jeno pushes him from his nape and kisses him, tongue sliding quickly and wet inside his mouth, eyes shut close and body almost scattered against his. Thinking, as much as he’s allowed while swallowing Jeno’s pretty sounds, maybe the other is the drunk one. 

But Jaemin takes what he can get, and by that he roams his hands to Jeno’s ass, pressing their bodies close. And needy, Jeno sounds needy and a bit desperate. It is affecting Jaemin as well, following the same path - worked up and pressing Jeno to the couch’s back raising one of his legs so he can grind properly down where it has the boy whine. 

Jaemin’s head is clouded, he can’t really think as Jeno maps his neck and undones his buttons even further, touching his nipples with a contrasting and unpredictable delicaly that makes his hips twitch, circling both boy’s legs around him, still clothed and grinding to each other and sweating that madness out.

Jeno tries to get his hands through the waistline of his jeans and boxers, and Jaemin realizes anyone can see them from the glass windows if they casually walk there and he takes that bit of rationality to circle his hand around Jeno’s slim and veiny wrist, ironically when he kisses the back of his hand out of his pants.

“As much as I’d like anyone to see you like this”. He smirks a laugh, Jeno rolling his eyes and biting his lobe briefly.

“Kinky”. Jeno says, labored breath pushing playfully the other’s chest, quick to grab his nape again and straight up lick his neck, nipping at the skin and Jaemin smells the pleasing clean shampoo fragrance and the musk of sweat lingering and sticking with his black simple shirt fitting Jeno’s defined abdomen under it.

“Don’t distract”. He moans, Jeno’s hand truly finding its way down his pants and starts stroking him, Jaemin shuts his eyes. “Let’s go somewhere with less- less. Fuck”. He bites Jeno’s jaw before taking said risky hand, holding it to drag him and find a place where they won’t be disturbed.

Jaemin is quite popular himself and Jeno is too in his own way, and people like to talk, they thrive with rumors and gossip. Jaemin’s sexuality is still a mystery at their school, albeit he always likes to flirt with anyone he likes, had endless flings at school just to slowly realize men are what works for him. But his classmates and his family are two different things, and if there’s something Jaemin doesn’t want to share, being keen on men is one.

They walk upstairs, Jaemin finds a room of what seems to be Mr Park’s office, and is surprised to find it open. Jaemin has a not so subtle loathing for people belonging to their social ladder, knows it himself their expensive fathers are mostly selfish bastards who give birth to children and throw them in their jaded society made of competitions and reputations to keep for the sake of their families, so he doesn’t really mind dirtying Jisung’s father's clean desk with his teenage hormones. 

And god, it might be the alcohol or the dizzying heat between them but Jeno is a little too good and pliant, rocking his hips in Jaemin’s fingers and hands gripping tightly at the desk pressing sweat to the material, caged with Jaemin’s body. He kisses his neck, sinks his teeth in Jeno’s throat as the other melts on the wood, slowly resting his back there and spreading his legs wider. Jeno looks sinful, letting fits of sounds and blindly reaches for Jaemin's jeans, tries to unzip them.

Jeno’s breath is shaky when he looks at him with sultry eyes, gaping with another moan. “Are you clean?”.

Jaemin nods, stroking himself and cleans his wet fingers to his jeans. Gross, but who cares when Jeno takes him by his hips and bites the space under his ear. Jaemin moans as well, cursing with a hiss when Jeno tells him “Then just fuck me”.

Of course he doesn’t need it to be told twice, holding Jeno’s body closer and steading his knees to the desk, where a drawer slightly hurts his skin with the rough surface of the keyhole. Jaemin doesn’t care, setting an unruly pace and pounding inside Jeno with a force that has the black haired boy grip at his shoulders, moaning his name louder and he’s thankful they found this space by themselves, where music is almost gone in the silence. Jeno is hot, and wasn't expecting him to be so willingly pushing his hips deeper inside him with his circled ankles, both letting indecent sounds pressing at the shell of their ears.

It’s maddening, Jaemin closes his eyes and goes faster, somehow Jeno’s weight bumping down the desk repeatedly and the legs of it shake at every strong movement. He’s sweating, feels drops glistening his chest, the brief pain of Jeno biting strongly his teeth everywhere to the space of his craning neck, and they both moan in a scared gasp when they feel the drawer fall abruptly to the marble floor.

They briefly look at each other, Jeno’s eyes wide but the corner of his lips threatening to laugh, so slick when Jaemin tries to push inside him again. Jeno breathes heavily, steading his hands to Jaemin’s shoulder blades when he picks him up and keeps fucking him, this time languidly when he needs the strenght to keep Jeno up and extremely painful to his sinking stomach everytime he pushes in the stretched hole and breaths Jeno’s nice fragrance. 

It’s good, probably the best impromptu sex he’s ever had, and closes his eyes reaching close to his release. They’re not using a condom, and he’s the type to always use protection but this is Jeno and he’s sure this is a once in a lifetime chance that he lets him fuck around. There’s so much slick and wet snaps of hips and Jeno gapes, shuddering puffs of air to his cheek and fingers trembling at his nape and suddenly pressing down painfully to his sore neck muscles.

“What the fuck, shit, Jaemin. Shit, stop, look at the floor”.

Jeno sounds panicked, voice high as he abruptly pulls out and his legs wobble when he crouches down and picks up a photo his wrist barely can keep in hand with how much he’s trembling with dread. Jaemin opens his eyes, concerned and follows Jeno’s terrified gaze to feel his stomach drop for an entirely different reason now.

He stills Jeno’s hold in the photo, and feels sick to his stomach he could puke. Pictures of Lia Lee, Donghyuck’s sister, posing suggestively and naked in a series of printed photos Jaemin wants to beat the man down for being in his drawer in the first place. A minor, the girl is just a second year at their school, fourteen years old when she entered earlier. 

There’s also some letters, all opened but diligently closed in the envelope, all signed with a male name probably to make it seem like a work letter and the calligraphy could easily belong to Lia; thin, neat and elegant. In one of them there’s a wax stamp, one Jaemin knows well when he sees it in the letters of Donghyuck’s family when they do their annual charity parties. Not so subtle, especially with all those photos carelessly thrown in the drawer. Jaemin probably thinks it was a stupid slip the man made when his wife is also out for business. Poor Mrs Park, Jaemin presses his fingers to the dislocated drawer.

Jaemin wants to know, but at the same time he’s nauseous at the different scenarios emerging in his head, he wants to scream. Jeno is petrified, hand weakly keeping another picture, covering the exposed body of the girl with his fingers as it could help in any way the reality of it. They’re both still naked, and Jaemin takes the picture away from him and squeezes Jeno’s hand for comfort, soothes his back for a moment. Jeno looks at him, brown eyes trembling and cracked voice when he talks.

“I know her. This is sick and I-”. 

“Get dressed, Jeno. I’ll fix the drawer”. Jaemin tries to smile, obviously he’s disturbed himself. He moves behind Jeno’s ear a few strands of hair, sweaty and jet black, uncharacteristically sweet of him. How can’t he be gentle, after seeing how affected Jeno is. Jaemin is scared as well. They’re basically kids themselves despite loving to act grown up, recently turned eighteen and slowly crawling into the adults’ world responsibilities, and seeing Lia pictures like that, unfolding a secret that god knows from how long it goes on makes him shiver with disgust. He wonders if the girl is okay, why she’s doing this.

“Don’t worry, I’m going to take pictures and, I don’t know, let’s keep it for ourselves for now”.

“She could be hurt, he could be manipulating her, how do we know if this is consensual?”. Jeno asks, whispers, clutching at his shirt picked up from the floor.

Jaemin takes a letter in hand, watches the pale yellow paper, slightly rough and turns it to the signed name.

“Maybe one of these can be an answer. I’m sure she wrote them, we can take pictures of them and try to understand”.

“These letters and pictures won’t leave these walls until we’re not sure, you understand me?”. Jeno sounds serious now, stern look digging into Jaemin’s widened eyes, as if he’s trying to understand if he can trust him. 

“Of course, Jeno, we’re talking about an underage girl with a fucking hag”.

The party is still going on outside, music loud and everyone, probably Jisung as well, unaware of the horror hidden inside a business man’s office. Jeno is fidgety, uncomfortably moving around the studio and observing everything up close in a useless attempt to find more clues, something that could help them. Or maybe Jeno is just trying to calm down, uneasy noticing the way his veins grow and shape in his pale hands whenever he closes them in fists.

Jaemin has just finished fixing the drawer, making it slide correctly back in place. There’s no key, obviously, and Jaemin would love to tell that bastard he needs to buy better furniture. He’s glad, despite this being a real life horror, that it was him and Jeno finding out. Two people who care about Lia, and especially about Donghyuck.

Donghyuck, Jaemin is not even sure how he’s going to face him tomorrow at school. He’s more of a family friend than an actual company, yet the Lee’s often visit them at their house. Their mothers went to college together, Jaemin’s dad had some kind of business collaboration going on with him in the past. They’re always kind to Jaemin.

When everything seems to be under control - or at least visibly, they get out of that office, closing the door shut and walking again through the same purplish illuminated walls. They’re awfully quiet after sending Jeno the pictures he took and Jaemin feels disturbed, conscious he has Lia’s pictures in his phone. They’re still unsure of what to do, and they’re still good proof if everything gets bigger than them and they need to trust authorities with this nightmare opened right under them in the form of a drawer.

Jeno takes quiet steps, his white converse a little dirty when they walk outside, in a less crowded area. He takes a deep breath, chest inflating as Jaemin stares back at him, lips tightly pressed together. Jaemin awkwardly grips at some locks of his platinum blonde hair, ruined at the ends with bleach but somehow still soft and a good way to distract his busy head.

“Want me to take you home?”. 

“I’m not sure you’re sober enough for authorities if they stop us”. Jeno twitches an eyebrow at him, realizing they were buried in each other’s presence not too long before, hitting when Jaemin spots the blooming hickey at his jaw.

“I have a chauffeur”. Jaemin unconsciously sinks his teeth in his lower lip, how cocky it sounds. 

“Yeah”. Jeno’s clipped answer makes him cringe, the boy sighing and looking everywhere but Jaemin. “I forgot you’re one of the trust fund babies too”.

Jaemin scoffs, maybe a bit amused. Jeno really is something else, that one’s clear. It’s not hard to forget when Jisung’s house screams money. 

“You really hate us that much, don’t you?”.

Jeno is tucking what remains of his messy shirt back in his jeans, out of indiscreet eyes to do so. He pursues his lips, stealing a glance at him.

“You seem decent, if it makes you happier”. 

“So, can I be a decent person and let my driver bring you home safely now? It won’t hurt your smart boy pride, I promise”.

“Fine”.

Jeno narrows his eyes, takes the mockery of his words. Unlike Jaemin who always got the best out of his family’s money and all the possibilities they entail, Jeno Lee is able to frequent the Neo Culture high school thanks to a scholarship. Their high school is known for being prestigious and able to open many doors, all rich pockets being there mostly with their snobby and spoiled presence showing off daily, all of them recognizable with their school uniforms. Fancy cars outside, mild amendments to the uniforms with gold and diamond pins, expensive jewellery and gold watches and hidden fun out of their innocent facades. 

Jaemin kind of hates it, but if he wanted to survive he had to learn to swim with the sharks, mingling in useless friendships he doesn’t really care about, learning to bond with who matters since he was young and taught about it by his father, if Jaemin even still has it to call him with that name. Never felt like one, never acted like one. 

Jeno’s mother is a teacher, and she’s very well respected, being one of the few kind souls who are also good at teaching. Jeno is the biggest book smart person Jaemin has ever seen, studying well with excellent results and being their president’s diamond boy. He’s heard from the infamous gossip he’s working so hard to prove he has a place at their school, many girls that make Jaemin’s skin itch with anger saying too bad he’s not like them or they’d waste no chance to get with him.

To be fair, almost all of them don’t deserve to attend their school and the education it offers, not with their rotten brains led by a distorted reality made of frivolities and money spent to corrupt the president when their grades are bad or generous donations to the school they all know what they truly mean. A useless amount of money even Jaemin doesn’t know what to do with.

Jeno looks good, is popular among them and how can’t he. With kindness dripping out of his warm brown eyes despite choosing to be detached from all of them, the straight slope of his nose and those lips Jaemin can’t stop staring at even now he’s supposedly listening to his best friend and Jeno walks to his locker in school. 

He gets reminded of their little tryst, lighting his brain clouded with all the shit that went off after. They haven’t talked yet, weekend separating them to the first day of their last year of school, slumping against his own locker at the sight of long legs and eyes covered by glasses searching for his books. His neck is shamefully littered under his tie, not hard to notice.

Jeno turns for a moment, taking in his slightly warm cheeks. Jaemin simply lifts the corner of his mouth in acknowledgement, not sure if the boy wants him to approach him or they’re both pretending nothing happened until they have to face some real serious talking.

But Renjun, his best friend that knows him like the palm of his hand and probably Jeno’s only friend here is smart enough to understand when he follows Jaemin’s distracted gaze and spots the matching obscene state of their necks and everywhere the uniform doesn’t cover them. 

“No fucking way”. He says, waving back at Jeno when he takes his book and disappears behind a classroom door. “You really cursed Jeno now, didn’t you?”.

Jaemin would like to smirk, joke about Renjun treating him like a homewrecker when Jeno is clearly free and unbothered but there’s something tugging at his chest, something uneasy mixed with the need to get the boy back where they were a few nights ago. His body still burns with Jeno’s warmth, with his sounds and the way he grabs at his shoulders and neck, not sure he’ll get that again.

“Let’s go to class, please”. Jaemin says slightly flustered, not by Renjun’s satisfied cackle but by his own thoughts. 

Who cares, Jaemin only has one night stands, Jeno could be a two nights stand instead and he’d be fine with his conscience. And maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about Jeno under him when Mrs Lee has just started her lesson, eyes awfully similar to her son’s.

Jeno and Jaemin aren’t friends, just school acquaintances with some back history of accumulated one sided flirting that ended up to work just fine after yesterday night. He wasn’t expecting it, nor Renjun who keeps looking at him like he’s grown two extra heads, shaking his own and widening eyes in distress as he doesn’t understand something in his textbook.

Jaemin is walking around the corridors during his break when he feels a hand pulling him to the side, a small suffocating room of their janitors where brooms and everything useful for cleaning stands. He has no idea why Jeno has the keys and why he is now in front of the boy; actually he knows, not too ready to talk.

Jeno looks clean. Neat. Sultry gazes and hands gone, black hair combed and perfect fit in the grey uniform. They’re also very close, if Jaemin just stretches his arm he can lay his hands to his waist, hug him. They both look miserable now they’re together and alone with this huge burden they half witnessed through pictures and letters.

“Did you read them?”. Tries Jaemin, unsure if he talked considering his voice left to less than a whisper. No context, he’s too afraid to talk and Jeno understands already.

“Not yet, I don’t think I can do it alone”. Jeno’s voice is almost as imperceptible, worry flashing his eyes when Jaemin takes a trembling breath, feels cold sweat at his temples. He’s panicking, learned the feeling since he was five years old and had trouble becoming friends with all the kids at kindergarten. He remembers some mean kids trying to scare him off with a dinosaur toy that had red flashing eyes and made a sound he was afraid of, chasing him around the classroom with evil giggles, at least for how he remembers them. Jaemin also recalls how his teacher didn’t care, barely told the kids to stop and told him to just not be afraid.

Just not be afraid, but how can he when things are always bigger than him and not even his cocky attitude he developed to defend himself all these years can’t help the sudden rush of fear he gets thinking about what they found out.

He struggles to breathe when he realizes Jeno is hugging him, delicate and also grounding him with the way his palms slide at his spine, resting there with only his thumbs soothing him. Jaemin hides his face in the crook of the boy’s neck, inhales the warmth and perfume there, squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on Jeno’s touches. Probably it was Jaemin gripping at the boy’s waist at some point while dreadfully overthinking, yet he finds a brief moment to calm down, rest there for a few seconds more.

“We could do it together”. Mumbles Jeno, fingers threading in Jaemin’s hair, this time carefully and so different from the night before. It’s calming, and he feels remotely safe. Jaemin never feels safe.

He shrugs off his thoughts and nods, sheepishly thanking Jeno when they pull. Jaemin gets out of the room first, Jeno’s number in his phone and typing his address so they can meet later, bite the bullet and understand what they have in their hands.

When Jaemin gets home he lays tiredly in bed, not able to sleep the last few days and throws his backpack ungraciously somewhere in his room. He lights up a cigarette, Jaehyun wouldn’t be happy to know - and his brother is also currently in another country so he won’t know. Out of sight out of mind, taking a long drag.

The white stick burns on his lips, wrapped there for too long, looking out of the window where their garden is perfectly in place, a glimpse of their swimming pool in sight. Considering how vast the space of their house is, Jaemin chose a small room compared to the other wide spaces. He also has his own office he rarely uses, not even to study, and he’s planning to leave as soon as he can so all the fancy furniture and space built for him long before he could need a studio is completely left to waste. As if Jaehyun’s one wasn’t already, he left the studio next to Jaemin empty, and the bedroom he sometimes sneaked in when lonely.

At times like these he’s glad he has Renjun, otherwise all the space he has here would be another reason to feel utterly, merely alone. His bed is neatly done, probably the cleaning lady with kind eyes that looks fondly every day she sees Jaemin since he was little came to change his bedsheets and dust off his room in the morning, after Jaemin headed to school.

He calls his bedroom small, but for many it really isn’t. Jaemin has a double bed, a cabin room that has clothes tending to get quite pricey since fashion is something he always enjoys, band posters attached at different spots of his walls and a desk untidy with books and papers and his computer. Aretha, their cleaning lady, never touches anything there and Jaemin is grateful.

She’s the most warm presence he has in his house, replacing his mother’s since long ago, since the woman stopped having that glint in her eyes and doesn’t leave her room as much nowadays. Depression, or an unhappy marriage, and Jaemin can’t give her any fault. He would be unhappy too, with a father like his.

Jaemin never shares his family situation, unhappy and sucking life out of him the more he stays inside his home’s walls that don’t feel a single ounce like home. He knows no one would understand, sometimes talks about it with Renjun because he sees it with his own eyes when he comes over how things truly are. Sometimes he caught glimpses of fights, back in the years started by Jaehyun, who already had a picture of how shitty things can get with a broken family like theirs.

Knows people would misunderstand him, probably say he’s ungrateful for believing money doesn't define happiness. How can they when his mother is sadder every day more, his brother is gone and Jaemin is left with a father that never truly cares about him and his interests, one that’d be proud only if he joins a stupid football team or tells him he has a girlfriend of a good family.

Jaemin tries it again, even today, when his clock signals dinner time. He knocks at the door, the single bedroom his mother moved in because their parents aren’t brave enough to divorce and it would break their image and reputation apparently. The weak woman doesn’t even admit his sick husband is cheating repeatedly on her. He sighs, he already knows what she’s going to answer.

“Mom?”. Jaemin peaks over when she says it’s open, finds her sitting at a desk, book in hand and eyes a bit lost under the last hours of daylight, room darkening around her and she doesn’t mind to turn the lights on. Her eyes are still kind, awfully similar to Jaemin’s, wide and dark and a smile as tender breaking her gloomy face when she sees him.

“You look handsome”. Always complimenting him. Jaemin leans at the door frame, same question lingering at the tip of his tongue. He’s not sure why he tries.

“Are you joining us for dinner?”. 

She gives him an apologetic smile. I can’t, sorry sweetie - that’s what it means. Same old smile she makes every meal they’re supposed to share together, at a table too long and lacking of any family warmth. He misses that sparkle.

“Want me to ask Aretha to bring some food to you?”. 

“No, baby, I’ll take it myself later”. Her hair got longer, dark brown curling at the ends. She’s beautiful, a sad beauty. Jaemin would like to read her, uncomplicate that permanent frown between her eyebrows.

“Okay, love you mom”.

“Love you too”.

Jaemin is not hungry. Not a novelty, he’s turning a little too skinny, ribs showing too much and Aretha often complains about it whenever she catches him shirtless around the house or heads to the swimming pool, this summer his body exposed more often than usual.

His stomach closes abruptly every time he takes a seat at the dinner table, as far as possible from his father. Today is no different. He feels bad for all the cooking made with love from Aretha, and Jaemin had passed by the kitchen earlier asking her to save a portion of food for his mother. He’ll bring it later, he knows she probably won’t eat until late.

Long dinner table, black slick wood and his father a few seats far from him, cutting the meat in his plate. It’s awfully quiet, and Jaemin grows uncomfortable as he takes a few bites. It just ends up with him keeping loosely the fork in his hand, moving a piece of food stuck there.

“I heard Jisung made a big party before school, did you go?”.

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, mockery all over his face. This is a new start of conversation.

“This is where we’re going tonight? I’d like to remind you my mother is not even here”. Jaemin wants to scoff at his father’s face, that stupid face faking oblivious. “Yes, I went there”. He says anyway, just to make him happy and shut up.

“I didn’t know Jisung was-”. The man hesitates, and Jaemin recognizes his own features in that face and he wishes for a moment he could erase his own or shape them differently. “Different”.

“What is it now? Is it the pink hair you don’t like?”. 

The man sighs. Jaemin doesn’t feel a bit sorry for his remarks or making any attempt to conversate difficult, can’t help being defensive through all of them.

“I talked with Chenle’s mother today and she mentioned they’re, uhm, they’re together. Jisung and Chenle”.

Jaemin snaps his fingers ironically - there you go. Tonight is even worse than others apparently. Everyone knows at school Jisung and Chenle are dating, they’re one of the youngest and few open couples at Neo Culture, and they’re loved enough by all the younger kids to be okay. Also Jisung might be shy, Chenle on the other hand is reckless, and Jaemin envies the way he stands up for them the few times he did after some ignorant comments the couple received.

His father seems to be struggling to talk under Jaemin’s cold stare and maybe it’s better because he’s not ready to hear the rest. This is something regarding Jaemin as well, something very personal of Jaemin and it would just ruin it. Jaemin never came out to his family, leaving confusion to the people at his school because his flirting with boys is a lot more discreet than the old flings he used to have when he thought there was a chance of liking girls. And guys their age are scared, most of the boys he’s been with asked him to keep it on the low. Jaemin never had trouble because if his one night stands were to expose him, they would also have to come out in the way. And nobody wants that, unless you’re ready.

“She’s thinking of throwing a party for their anniversary, I think. It’s a little exaggerated to me, I have nothing against gay people but you shouldn’t talk about it so freely like she does, it would be weird to see them together”.

“So you do have a problem with gay people”. Jaemin answers, hand closing in a fist under the table, nails digging painfully at his skin. Shut up, he thinks.

“It’s not natural, Jaemin. They can be gay, but they shouldn’t, it makes others uncomfortable if they suddenly kiss at that party they want to organize”.

Jaemin laughs, not an ounce of happiness in the sad cackle he makes. Now he’s angry, not even uncomfortable.

“I swear if you dare to say any of this shit to Chenle’s mother I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Sounds like a problem of yours if two people being genuinely in love disturb your masculinity so much. Jealous of them because they actually have something good going on?”.

“Jaemin”. His father sounds kind of defeated, but he knows he touched a sensitive button there. Whenever Jaemin expresses the truth about how shitty of a husband or a father he is, subtly or less, that makes the man irritated. He knows it himself, Jaemin thinks, down there deep where his infinite ego ends. “What? Are you a gay too? That’s why you’re suddenly angry?”.

Jaemin has to take a very deep breath to not just punch the table or slap the man’s right in the face. God, he’s not even a violent person himself and likes to avoid conflict but when it comes to his father he’d do anything to feel relief out of that growing hate. He shakes his head.

“Maybe you should stop being a coward, gather some divorce papers and let my mother be free of your bullshit and all the women you take to bed before thinking about my sexuality. You’re sad”. Jaemin gives him a dirty look, up and down before a very fake smile.

“Goodnight, daddy”. He stresses the last word with a mellow voice that sounds more angered than sweet, hands raising up and letting the silverware fall with a clicking sound to the table, going back to his room.

This is nothing out of the ordinary, Jaemin knows the ugly churning in his stomach is going to tame down in a few minutes. Sometimes it is for his father making unhappy comments about his mother rarely leaving her room, other times for his insistence mentioning some families’ daughters that would be perfect for Jaemin, except they don’t exist. Sometimes it is when not even Jaemin’s grades in the upper average are enough for him.

Except this time it doesn’t stop, his blood keeps boiling, hands itching and grabbing his leather jacket and heads out of the house. He’s not sure where he's going, until the familiar sketchy street is under Jaemin’s nose, getting out a taxi and drying his sweaty palms with his skinny jeans. 

Jaemin feels slightly relieved, entering the room made of sweat, manly grunts with rushed breaths at the fighting ring. It’s humid, always inside the old consumed walls, the place slightly illuminated with pale white lights. He walks in, greets some familiar faces before spotting Mark and Johnny talking and smoking.

Mark introduced Jaemin to a place so detached from their usual routes made of tidier places. Truth is Mark Lee wasn’t part of their wealthy lives, wasn’t born in it. His family had luck, winning a sudden enrichment and his father was smart enough to invest in it and let their family grow bigger, wealthier.

Mark Lee hides under his good boy shoes another less pure soul, just in his hobbies not really in his heart. Mark is kind, and was the one reaching to Jaemin last year noticing he was simply sad. He never insisted to know the reason why, never forced him to talk, just collected him from a gay bar being shit faced and introduced him to another way to unload anger. Fighting.

Jaemin does it for fun, used to participate in some matches but he really just needs a way to free his mind, it’s nothing he’d do if he wasn’t stuck in his head like he is. Plus Jaemin likes Mark, he’s one of the good ones, and is a nice company to talk about anything that comes to mind. 

An ally, who never asked once what he was doing at a gay bar, knowing Jaemin could ask the same question and none of them needed to talk that out, they understand. He likes to get drunk with him and sometimes Donghyuck and Renjun after the serious matches, getting lost into some careless nights but a different kind to the ones Jaemin is used to.

He shakes his hand friendly, strands blonde hair kneaded with dark brown, and eyes glinting with excitement. Next to him is another familiar face. Johnny, his brother’s best friend that unlike him found a university near home. Tall and handsome, with a sly smile already plastered on his face that makes Jaemin slightly sheepish if he was to admit it. They have some history, starting right after Jaehyun left when Johnny visited him because they both were lacking his company, sticking around for tongue numb and filthy sounds his brother doesn’t need to know. There’s a lot of things Jaehyun can’t know.

“Dude, you came! It’s been long”. Mark pats his back, gives him the joint they were sharing before and Jaemin takes a drag gladly. He probably needs it tonight.

Jaemin glances up at the older, eyelashes darkening his view briefly as he flutters them because that’s what gets everyone all the time. “ Yeah, It’s been long”. 

Johnny smiles, hand sneaking around his hips in a brief hug. Like that they just start talking and catch up about their lives, and slowly he feels better, laughing at something Mark says wiggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

“Are you here to train?”. Jaemin says to both of them, feels himself pressing to Johnny because he’s high and the older is warm, closing his arms around him and feels the broader chest pressed to his spine.

“Not really, tonight all’s easy”. Johnny says low, and to Jaemin’s ears, incredibly hot. “Join me at the ring?”

Mark ignores them when he finds someone he knows and another ‘dude’ to his infinite list to greet, shaking hands and talking about people and events Jaemin is not following anymore, too caught up with his own things and staying more in the fancier streets. Recently he’s spent nights in clubs, watching dancers moving sinfully and beautifully with their perfect curves whenever his dad hinted he should get a girlfriend. The girls were beautiful, really, Jaemin even got a few of them dancing in his lap and stripping clothes now his age allows it, yet he couldn’t find a glint of excitement and the generous tips left were just to feel less guilty about being there. Jaemin learned he hates strip clubs, feeling his heart tight getting out of them every time.

And Jaemin learns, getting sounds off people like Jeno or finding his face pressed to Johnny’s pillows and arching his back moaning at every thrust inside him, no girl can give him this. The different kind of high, choked gasps clenching around the older’s length, Johnny’s lips kissing his neck. It’s freeing, and right and no one can take that from him. It’s not a sin, nothing to feel shame for, it’s a space for Jaemin to feel closer to who he is, where he wants to stay and cry out moans.

Johnny is nice, always is and he likes to let go and be taken care of, despite his love for control growing specifically when he meets the right people to do so. He turns to face him, back pressed against the mattress and sees the older’s black hair sticking to his forehead messily with sweat and Jaemin instead of fixing them back wishes for someone else with that same dark colored hair to be hovering him. It’s brief, and stupid because they’re nothing and they literally fucked once and not even finished, still he gets reminded of how warm the way Jeno hugs is and how he would gave gladly stayed there for longer that morning.

It’s unusual for Jaemin to crave softer touches, the ones that Jeno seems to like even when they were rough at Jisung’s party. His mind is whispering Jeno’s name, like a curse, like calling him in his head will help him out of this bed and his head. He circles his legs around Johnny tighter, throws his head to the pillows and just lets him use his body. It’s okay, he can have it for tonight.

Jaemin doesn’t stay. He gets up to clean himself decently, and he is quick to wear his clothes back on. Johnny lays on the bed, studies Jaemin skittish movements and hands slightly trembling, fumbling the zip of his jeans back up. Nothing he just did helps, and Jaemin strangely finds himself needing a hug. He wonders why he didn’t hug his mother before, locks eyes with Johnny in the midst of internal chaos.

Johnny never really kisses him, at least after their first time when he understood Jaemin was there for the same reason, not looking for a relationship or anything remotely romantic and close to that concept. Johnny who pulls out immediately, lets him crash at his place and talk like the friends they are, despite slipping in his sheets all summer.

“You sure you’re okay?. The brief worry in the older’s eyes is real, Jaemin knows it and he’s grateful, shaking his head.

“Just the usual shitty stuff my father says. You know them”.

Johnny was the one who always told Jaemin to let the man’s words uselessly out of his mouth and ignore them. He was used to it, Jaehyun can get rioty when their father grazed topics he truly cares about and if his older brother knew about Jaemin’s sexuality, he’s sure he would have stood up for his rights. He misses Jaehyun, misses his brother that always accepted Johnny and everyone else for who they are, and his smile made of reassuring dimples drying Jaemin’s tears when he was younger and heard their parents fighting.

“I’m sorry, Jaem. You can stay here if it helps, I don’t mind”.

Jaemin moves a hand dismissively. It’s okay, it’s not like he sees his father that much anyway between school and generally avoiding staying at home more than necessary. 

“Thank you but I have school tomorrow”.

Johnny grimaces, playfully so. “I forgot you’re a baby for a moment”.

Jaemin turns his head to the side, slaps Johnny’s cheek with the same playfulness to it.

“You are not that old, stop the drama. Night John”.

Jaemin walks out Johnny’s apartment, quiet steps in the dark before calling his driver or a taxi, he thinks it’s too late to disturb the poor man who patiently brings Jaemin everywhere. Also it feels nice to be alone like this, and maybe he should start drinking or smoking less and take his car at night when he needs to escape. There’s someone he’d like to drive around.

Johnny is a friendly presence, usually he likes to get it off with him, yet he feels dirty and a bit ashamed for crawling under him so willingly, wrong because he thinks of one person he shouldn’t even be thinking of. As if life is making fun of him, his phone rings in that moment, screen lighting up with a message.

From: Jeno

what about tomorrow after school?  
i really wanna get this off my chest  
can we do it at yours?

Jeno folds his arms in his jacket, trailing behind Jaemin inside his house the next day. They’re still wearing their backpacks and uniforms, a bit sweaty when the fabric is still too thick considering it’s barely the start of October and it’s not that cold outside.

Jeno bows when he sees Aretha, her smiling kindly and asking him if he wants to hang his jacket when Jaemin out of habits gives her his, aware the woman will complain about him scattering it somewhere he’ll forget. Jeno fumbles his hands to tell her it’s okay, looking uneasy for a moment before Jaemin smiles fondly, accepting the woman’s kiss at his cheek. It’s a bit embarrassing because she does it everyday and usually the only witness of it is Renjun, who gets smooched as well when the woman is so fond of him.

Somehow Jeno seems to relax at that, instead of sharing an awkward look or anything displeasing, following Jaemin up the stairs to his bedroom. They won’t be interrupted anywhere in the house if he’s honest, but suddenly barging in his studio would be weird and also it’s not too safe considering what they have in their hands if anyone else sees it. So his room really is the best option, and hopes Jeno understands when he’s suddenly nervous and tries to explain his process of thoughts. Instead he asks if he and his cleaning lady are close, and Jaemin simply tells him she’s one of the most motherly figures he has, details left for another day, or maybe never.

Jeno then just chuckles and agrees at the room choice, now sitting at his bed as Jaemin sits at his desk’s chair, facing Jeno. They printed the letters, Jeno did it on his own but Jaemin is currently making a file for all they have, one to keep safe and finally delete the pictures in their phones starting to become too loud in their heads, or to allow burning the papers when they won’t need them anymore.

And Jaemin can’t believe the words he’s reading. They’re love letters, or a weird kind of infatuation a fourteen year old girl can have for an old man apparently promising her a future together. The letters seem pure, until Jaemin gets reminded of the entire situation, something feels completely off and it’s not about the age gap itself. 

“I don’t buy it”. Says Jeno, focused reading another letter that’s just some other futile corny words of how she feels butterflies in her stomach whenever he touches or kisses her. Jaemin glances up, looks at Jeno who’s distractedly torturing his bottom lip. It’s inappropriate to think about it at that moment but Jaemin wants to kiss him.

“There must be something else. Why would Mr Park risk so much for an impossible relationship? I mean, I’m sure he’s also taking advantage of it and he’s a disgusting assshole for it. I just don’t think that’s all, it’s too easy”.

“What do you have in mind?”. Jaemin plays with the borders of the paper, watches the small twitches of different expressions on Jeno's face, his eyebrows furrowing in thought.

“Maybe Donghyuck’s family has something, and Lia is the key to it. I don’t know, business related things? They might know something that could get him in trouble. Aren’t her and Jisung in the same class? Maybe she shared something she shouldn’t and his father is finding a way to get it”. Jeno clasps his hands together, shoulders a bit slumped. “I’m sorry, but if there’s something I learned as an outsider of our school is that your kind of families are actually fucked up, in a way or another”.

“You don’t know how much”. Jaemin sighs, not realizing he’s said that out loud until Jeno gives him a concerned face, eyes digging in his looking for an answer Jaemin is not ready to give him. 

“You’re right, it also doesn’t convince me, their happy and illegal love story. You’re really smart”. Jaemin gives him a sketch of a smile, glancing down his printed page. He feels Jeno’s fingers, faintly tracing his red and broken skin around his knuckles. Jaemin almost forgot about it, despite the foolish match he did throw some hits without any protection, he’s used to it, doesn’t hurt anymore. 

They’re warm, delicate and Jaemin’s heart picks up a stupid fast face. Calm down - he thinks, as Jeno slides a thumb there and holds his hand. It’s just Jeno, just Jeno with his comforting and fluttery touches.

“Does it hurt?”.

“No, I-”. Jaemin glances up, getting closer with a few steps from his chair and sitting next to Jeno on the bed. “You know the matches Renjun and Donghyuck go to, right?”.

“You fight?”. Jeno asks, surprised in his features and hand not leaving his, resting it in his lap.

“Not seriously, and only occasionally”. They’re close, Jaemin is not sure when they both leaned in that thin distance. Jaemin also has a few scratches up his cheekbone fading into a bruise, and he shuts his eyes when Jeno’s fingers curiously trace over there.

“You have really long lashes”. He says, feels his breath fanning his lips when he slowly nods.

“Can we stop for a moment the letters thing?”. Jaemin asks, opening his eyelids back to Jeno who holds properly his cheek, closing the distance between them.

Jaemin’s hand steadies between Jeno’s legs to lean closer, his other one tracing the boy’s jaw, darting his tongue inside his mouth in a languid kiss. He sighs in their mouths pressing, calm when Jeno pushes him to the mattress. 

Peace is what Jaemin feels bringing him closer by his waist, hand untucking his neat uniform shirt to touch his bare skin boiling with a touch. Jeno is scratching his scalp, taking loose fists of platinum hair around his fingers and when Jaemin briefly opens his eyes the other is completely lost in their kiss, his stomach twisting at the view.

This is what he was thinking about yesterday, Jeno tasting like unusual butterflies in his stomach. There’s something soft lingering between them, and their hands reach further and Jeno’s lips suck at his neck but none of them seems to be making a bolder move, unconsciously affected by the pages left at Jaemin’s desk.

He feels relieved that today he can just find warmth at the tip of Jeno’s tongue to suck, licking the roof of his mouth, his arms stopping somewhere in their kisses to just hug the boy. And Jeno’s fingers are around his hand, holding it and taking a noisy breath when they pull, legs tangled together.

Jaemin doesn’t know what it is, what makes him press his lips in a long kiss at Jeno’s cheek, and then at the cute slope of his nose. Jeno seems taken aback, just staring and playing with the hair at Jaemin’s nape, honey eyes fixed on him.

“This is not what they told me about Jaemin Na”. Says Jeno, smiling when he allows himself to kiss Jaemin back at his cheek, lips falling slowly to his jaw when Jaemin chuckles and hums.

“Disappointed?”. Jaemin's smile is probably gleaming when Jeno shakes his head, resting it on his chest. He strokes the boy’s cheek, skin smooth and it’s almost protective the way he’s holding him, brain overthinking of why he’s doing it, albeit he can’t detach now he’s close and has a taste of what feels right. Jeno feels awfully right in his arms.

“Sounds better than the rumors”.

“Mind sharing some of them with me?”.

“They sound like the thing we had at Jisung’s party”. Jeno starts unbuttoning some slots of his shirt because Jaemin thinks the boy has a thing for bare touches, drawing circles to the now exposed skin. “Which is good, really good”. Jeno stresses with a funny face and this time Jaemin actually laughs, has Jeno look up at him threading fingers under his chin.

“Let me guess, they didn’t warn you about possible cuddles”.

The way Jeno presses his lips together avoiding a smile is funny, and Jaemin sighs, looking up at the ceiling. Jaemin wasn’t warned about wanting to cuddle with someone too.

“I’m actually a good person, with the people who matter, if it helps. My reputation might not be the best, still I’m not a complete piece of shit”.

“Is there a chance that I could matter?”. Jeno asks, so quiet he’s almost whispering and Jaemin’s heart this time actually twirls with the company of his stomach. He turns back to Jeno, mouth gaping without really saying anything and the other gets fidgety, clearing his throat. “Sorry, that was stupid-”.

“No, wait”. Jaemin sits up and takes Jeno by his shoulders where the boy was about to slip away from him, standing up together. “Are you serious? I thought you didn’t dig people like me”.

Jeno bites his lips, looks out at the window. “I literally let you fuck me where everyone could walk in, I still can’t figure what that makes me”.

“That is different, Jeno. You could have sex with literally any of us and not feel a thing other than wanting to please yourself with someone’s company”. Jaemin smiles, holds Jeno’s hand to have him look at him. “Hey, it’s not stupid. Just, I never really had anything other than sex and maybe I’m not as fun to be around when that’s not the main thing I can do for you”.

“Don’t talk about yourself so poorly. Also, the whole Lia thing”. Jeno adds, intertwines his fingers with Jaemin when he suggests it by tapping his index to Jaemin’s palm.

“That is something else we can figure out together. It doesn’t need to affect whatever this can be”.

Jeno doesn’t answer, only takes a step closer and seals for a moment their lips in a kiss. It’s simple, so different from anything anyone has ever given Jaemin. He wants it again and that is enough of an answer to him and his insecurities. They’ll have time to figure each other out, see if they actually work. It would be stupid not trying, not when their feelings are already so easily exposed with an hour spent alone in the same room.

“Well, Jaemin, how do you feel about dates?”.

“Where are you taking me?”.

“The football field’s benches during lunch breaks sound a not so demanding first try, we could start spending them together”.

Jeno hugs him, and maybe kisses him some more until their lips get numb and red with saliva. Jaemin’s heart feels like a plastic bag floating with the tide, lost and pushed by the waves for long and maybe starting to finally see the shore.

Jaemin the next day smiles mirthfully as Renjun and Jeno are bickering over something useless before class, different opinions clashing between a scientific point of view and the younger by only a month pretending to be a bigger dreamer than Renjun is just to piss him off. Today Jeno opted to be a painful cynic in a debate about aliens' existence, knowing the other strongly believes in them and more honestly, Jeno believes that in a universe as vast as theirs it’s impossible they’re the only life forms existing there. Of course he won’t tell Renjun he’s right until the other starts to lose a brain cell, much for Jaemin’s amusement.

“Look who’s there”. Jaemin chirps, noticing Donghyuck and Jinsoul talking at their lockers. He knows Renjun has a little – a big, crush on the other, but he’d never admit it if asked. They got closer with all the matches they attended and watched together, Jaemin saw touchy hands whenever they finished their nights drunk. Yet when they’re at school, not out of their people’s view, they almost act as strangers. He’s also worried, joking like he always does because it would be weird if he doesn’t, also Jeno is quick to notice the way Jaemin backs and covers behind him trying to not be spotted by Donghyuck.

Jaemin never questions it, Renjun seems confused about it and unless his best friend wants to talk he’ll just stick for small teases like he’s doing right now. Jaemin after a slap at his thigh from Renjun trails his eyes to an interesting corner of their corridor, where Jisung is alone and texting at his phone. His hand lingers at the hem of Jeno’s jacket, slightly pulling and the other immediately catches his eyes. 

“I need to go, see you later?”. He says, and Jeno briefly watches where Jaemin’s attention is, turning with a questioning look. Jaemin tries to imply he won’t do anything stupid, he still wants to say some nice words about the party for him and Chenle anyway. In a world where he still doesn’t feel comfortable about sharing his preferences he wants to be proud of the ones standing for what are also his rights.

“Lunch break?”. Asks back Jeno, and his face is sweet, Jaemin bites his lips to avoid smiling as fondly as he ends up doing anyway. He’s really curious to know Jeno, anticipating some alone time with him. 

“Yeah”. Says Jaemin, subtly holding his fingers and Renjun rolls his eyes, squeezing them facing up the ceiling.

“Just kiss you fools, no one cares”. He says, and Jeno chuckles slapping his forearm, Renjun pretending to be hurt with a not so believable pained sound. Despite the kidding their friend knows better, winks at Jaemin goodbye and grabs Jeno's arm, they have a class to attend anyway.

Jaemin takes a breath, it’s not like he’s going to directly ask anything and he’s already sure Jisung knows nothing about his father. The kid is young, and a pretty emotional one who sucks at keeping his feelings for himself, everyone can clearly see whenever he’s upset. Just one look at Jisung and Jaemin can tell if he’s had a fight with Chenle or not. Jisung these days seems very happy, face light and breaking into smiles, often catching him walking around hand in hand with his boyfriend.

So his approach is useless, and truly made of some real congratulations about his and Chenle’s anniversary. Jisung despite being four years younger is almost taller than Jaemin, face young with his fifteen years old of baby cheeks and eyes glinting thankfully at his words.

Jaemin spots bright orange hair getting close to where they are, pecks Jisung’s cheek and stares briefly with an unreadable expression at Jaemin. He wants to twitch an eyebrow, make a face, but there’s a thin threatening air in the way Chenle circles his arm around Jisung’s waist, telling him sweetly he forgot something so he can avoid waiting for him, and suggests Jisung to reach his class or he’ll be late. Jaemin wants to laugh, there’s no way Chenle could be jealous of him talking to Jisung.

Jisung, completely oblivious of the heavy stare Chenle gave Jaemin still thanks him again, kisses Chenle and the scene would be sweet if he doesn’t straighten his back and his salty face screams an explanation even before he can ask. Chenle signals to follow him, walk a few steps where the corridor is already emptying.

“I don’t know what your deal is, but don’t put Jisung in the middle of it”.

Jaemin furrows his eyebrows. Does Chenle know about Jisung’s father? How does he know Jaemin knows it? It wouldn’t make sense.

“What are you talking about?”. He says instead, better safe than sorry. Chenle seems impatient, scoffing annoyed and looking behind them. There’s no one left, they’re going to be late for class. The first bell rings already, ten minutes left to understand whatever the younger is implying.

“Don’t make me lose time, Na. My dad said you know, and Jisung doesn’t yet and I’d like for his boyfriend to let him know our families have this”. He briefly let’s out of his pocket a tiny plastic back of white dust, Jaemin’s eyes wide. “- Kind of business going on”.

“Hide the shit right now!”. Jaemin wants to scream, he aggressively whispers instead, pushing Chenle’s hand holding cocaine down. “If you’re playing with me Chenle, I fucking swear-”.

“What, Jaemin?”. Chenle moves his hands around, upset. “Grow the fuck up. This is as real as it gets and I don’t care if you’re pretending it’s not real because you can’t accept it. Don’t fuck this up or it’s both our families drowning”.

Jaemin doesn’t even bother saying anything else other than “Fine, I wasn’t planning on telling Jisung anything other than congratulations for your anniversary since your mother invited me to your party. Apparently I needed to come prepared. Calm down, and go to class kid”.

Chenle startles, slightly confused at Jaemin’s reaction and turns away. Truth is, Jaemin doesn’t have it anymore to react, his heart hammering violently in his chest, lips pressing until they turn almost white. Whatever is his father's sketchy white business he has, sharing it with Chenle’s father, he doesn’t care. It’s his problem, and he’s wondering if their parents’ fights might have been for money problems, and if this is the most stupid solution for it. Or maybe the fights started because his mother found out.

They never tell Jaemin anything, he never has time to catch important information. This is what he gets now, and how angry he is. At least he knows neither Jisung and Chenle know about Mr Park and Lia. He finds his shaky hands closing in fists, blood where his nails dig too hard in the skin of his palms. How fucked up is that for what he knows all the cocaine he saw at Jisung’s place might come from their fathers’ crazy mingling. He shivers being aware he’s the one – even if not directly, selling that shit to teens.

Jaemin feels sick, familiar cold sweat and he’s tired, so tired and boiling with anger, calming down before he fixes his tie and heads to class.


	2. lunch table niceties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jaemin and Jeno find horror at the bottom of a drawer, the digging for secrets to unfold continues, discovering themselves and their very own things to unfold in the way.

Jisung doesn’t know about his father, and Jaemin is completely sure of it when he catches the pink haired boy getting out of his classroom laughing with Lia, her breaking in a smile awfully similar to Donghyuck. How wrong it is, the girl sharing stories or jokes with Jisung as she has a ridiculous affair with a man in his late forties. He could be her father, he is a father with a family he’s scattering so carelessly. 

“Hey”. 

He turns his head to the vibrant low voice, shaking his thoughts off. Jeno is smiling at him, and Jaemin watches over where some students are looking at them, kind of a novelty seeing them talking. If Jaemin’s honest he almost never spoke about everything that wasn’t stupid flirting to Jeno before that night at Jisung’s. Jaemin always found him attractive, often trying to get a chance with him but Jeno always kindly pushed him back, already aware Jaemin usually doesn’t mean anything serious behind his charms. He doesn’t mind the stares, everyone could easily think they somehow bonded during summer, and Jaemin would have loved to become friends earlier with Jeno if the other simply let him.

Still, he likes that all Jeno’s cold glances at Jaemin’s old attempts to approach him had a positive outcome, ending up asking if they could be more than friends. Maybe a friendship wasn’t the right start for them. Jaemin wants to know Jeno, and not only the way they already got a taste of. What his hobbies are, if he likes coffee as much as he does, how is he when he’s not at school.

Jeno, Jaemin realizes, is more than a book smart boy, athletic and of an unreachable beauty betraying his kind smiles. He’s witty, likes to tease Renjun seeming very comfortable around him and has good morals, because Jaemin can’t count on anyone to react as they did seeing Lia’s pictures. He’s sure someone else could have blackmailed her, or exposed everything and let the whole school see. They want to report what they found, Jaemin’s hands itches whenever his finger scrolls through all the proofs they have on his computer. But this is about a minor’s safety, Donghyuck’s sister, and as much as it heavies him he’s going to help her.

Also, if Lia knew, she would be against it. Try to protect her insane relationship because they don’t know what the man might be promising her. If only he could get his hands on the responses to those letters, Jaemin figures there must be a correspondence. Maybe they share letters because phones are not safe, and information is easy to find and leak when teenagers these days are attached to thin devices keeping all of their secrets. And sure burning some letters to ash in case someone could find out they have proof sounds safer than deleting information from your phone where somehow evidence remains, most likely to find a chance and get all pictures and texts back.

Jeno frowns, Jaemin has been mindlessly staring for too long and probably looks distracted. His morning just started and he’s already caught up with an illegal business his father has, marked on his diary two important tests he has to study for and is supposedly trying to find a reason behind a fourteen year old girl giving in to an old man. 

Jaemin smiles, would like to kiss Jeno’s cheek but he really can’t with everyone watching, resisting to hold his hand when they start walking outside for their lunch break.

“Let’s go, you promised me a date”. He jokes, softening his gaze before Jeno follows him.

Their school has three days a week where they stay until four in the evening inside the building walls following classes, except for an hour to eat and rest their tired eyes and minds continuously absorbing content. Their parents have no papers to sign to let them out of school during that free hour for the first and last year, both boys of age and despite being a trivial detail when they always got out anyway with a sign on a document, it’s thrilling the idea of having no ties to something as simple as plainly being out of school for lunch.

It’s still warm outside, sun beaming to Jeno’s button down when they sit at a bench, surprising Jaemin when he stops him from going inside a shop buying food for themselves. Jeno brought some homemade fried rice for both of them, passing an orange container and disposable chopsticks in his hands. Jaemin’s cheeks warm up, touched by the simple gesture.

He looks around, only some busy strangers heading wherever they don’t care where a few shops are across the street, not able to spot other students with their same uniforms and he glances back at Jeno who’s smiling curiously.

“What?”. 

Jaemin leans in, taking his time for a peck to his lips. It feels good to do something so simple and pure, out where anyone can see them. 

“Thank you”. He answers happily, opening the box and his stomach growls, he is hungry. Jaemin doesn’t eat much at home, the place itself closing his stomach in a sick hold as soon as he sits at the table. He doesn’t remember when it was the last time he ate well without his stomach turning in any twist of anger or sadness, chuckling between something Jeno says about his class and just feeling content without walking on broken glass, void of biting words and defensive answers.

Jaemin never had a serious relationship before, understanding when he was sixteen there’s an easier way to satisfy himself and have fun with someone’s company, where no feelings are involved and no one gets hurt. He’s used to one night stands, leaving someone’s bed and forget it with a drag of a cigarette, a few walks of shame and post sex overthinking. He never cares for romance, sharing a hug, wanting to please someone else in bed for other reasons than his ego and being told he’s good right on the spot or through corridor voices.

So this, Jeno asking to spend time with him, or Jaemin finding his fingers mindlessly wanting to hold and touch him is something new, something he thought someone like him couldn’t feel. His chopsticks are empty of food and he’s staring down at his half eaten rice.

“Don’t you like it? Sorry, I’m not the best at cooking”.

“No!”. Says alarmed Jaemin, fumbling his other hand quickly, carefully looking around again when it lays on Jeno’s cheek, strokes it gently. “This is the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me, and it tastes good”.

Jeno scrunches his nose, legs crossed on the bench and leans to the touch, a mild pout lingering at his lips. He’s adorable, eyes innocent and highlights of dark brown showing under the strong daylight of late morning that are hidden by the usual black. Jeno is handsome, and Jaemin can’t understand why he’s willingly staying next to him. It’s probably the secret they’re sharing, yet Jaemin has a feeling their night would have gone well even without that damned drawer opening under them with all its secrets they have to now deal with.

“You need better people around you”.

“I’m working on that”. Jaemin rests his hand on his knee. “We’re here together, aren’t we?”.

“This is pretty corny, Jaemin''. Laughs Jeno, pressing his shoulder closer to Jaemin’s, rests his head there and points at the container. Jaemin scoffs a laugh and nods, taking another bite of food.

It's a nice day outside, sitting at a bench across a street near their school and there’s a garden where kids are playing a few meters ahead of them. Trees are still of a bright green reflecting light in a blinding way to Jaemin’s eyes staying half closed, bare of shadows sparing them the burning sun on their skin. He can hear young kids’ laughter, high pitched and loud where they’re playing. Bubbly, lighthearted giggles and Jaemin smiles with them, enjoying the body pressed to him.

“Do you have the pendrive with you?”. Jeno asks suddenly, breaking that moment of calm and Jaemin looks at his watch. They should head back to school soon, or they’ll be late for the next class roll call.

“I do, I’m not sure it’s safe to keep it at mine though”.

“Let’s keep it at mine. My mother will think it’s for school or something”. Jeno shrugs “It’s not like we carry millions around or secrecy to keep in flash drives”.

“Isn’t it worse? What if she, I don’t know, really think it’s for school and then finds all that stuff? How do you explain it?”.

Jeno clicks his tongue dismissively. “She’s not the watchdog type, never looks through my stuff. I’m kind of boring Jaemin, I’m sure she still thinks I’m a virgin”.

Jaemin breaks his frown in a faint smile, bumping his shoulder with his. “Does she know you’re gay? Wait, I don’t think I asked you if you also like girls or-”.

“No, yes. I mean, I’m gay. And my mother knows”.

Jaemin shapes his lips and makes a small ‘Oh’ sound, nodding in understandment. From the way Jeno looks at him, Mrs Lee is probably fine with it, and he feels relieved somehow. Deep down, also envies him, he can’t imagine how liberating it must feel to be yourself in your household without changing gender or names when asked about your love life. Jaemin sometimes shared some of his attempted dates in the past to his mother, pretending it was a girl instead of a guy he met. He never had to correct himself, none of his brief dates ended being something important and relevant enough for him to come out.

Probably, if Jaemin ever says anything, he’s afraid he’d be ignored or misunderstood, especially when in his household everyone is too distracted by their own things, his parents almost forgetting they have a son still there at times. Maybe he should try and tell Aretha for starters, he has a feeling she’d accept him.

Jaemin is pleasantly startled to feel Jeno’s soft lips pressing to his, closes his eyes and threads fingers in his hair, now bare of humid sweat and almost silky falling in the space between his fingers. It’s sweet, still tastes of the rice they just had but he doesn’t care, kissing back and shaping lips without any rush, just enjoying the nice pressure.

“It will get better, I promise you”. He says, kisses him again. “I don’t know how things are with your parents, but I’m guessing they don’t know”.

“You’re right”. Jaemin bumps their noses together, lifting the corner of his mouth and staring down at Jeno’s lips again. They’re alone, no one is there to disturb and that is clear when he glances around again, Jeno sighing satisfied when his palms slides at his sides, gets lost in some other few kisses, fanning breaths to their close faces. Jaemin hooks one finger under Jeno’s tie, traces his hickey turning into a greenish color on his skin.

“By the way, I’m not too sure your mother thinks you're a virgin if you go around the house with all of these”. Jaemin presses a finger at a very obvious bite he gave Jeno right under his Adam's apple, the black haired boy chuckling, foreheads meeting.

Jaemin would like to ditch class and just leave with Jeno, but they both care about their grades, and that’s why they quietly intertwine hands on their way back, until it’s safe enough to do so. Jaemin never had a proper date, but he’s ready to erase all the past weird attempts and treasure this one, where it feels right to watch their synchronized steps and listening to Jeno’s pleasing voice talking about his three cats, randomly answering questions they ask whenever there’s something they’re thinking of and they want to know.

They’re in front of their school when Jaemin stops Jeno by the hem of his jacket, the other resting his back on the locker. It’s not like they’re doing anything scandalous, but only a fool or a very oblivious person wouldn’t notice the odd fondness of two boys not ready to part ways, Jeno circling his hand around Jaemin’s wrist, nails lightly scraping his paler skin there.

“Favorite color?”. Asks Jeno, steading his breath in warm puffs of air after climbing up – running the steep staircase to their floor.

“Pink”. Jaemin answers, squeezing Jeno’s hand when the first ring bells. “Thank you, for today. I actually have your mother right now, want to say hi?”.

Jaemin is joking, and wants to chuckle at the annoyed look Jeno makes, turning his head to the side sulking and Jaemin this time truly laughs, leaning closer mindlessly.

“We’re not doing anything wrong, and”. Jeno widens his eyes, using Jaemin’s chest to bend his knees and hide from who is actually his mother walking to teach a class where Jaemin should definitely already be sitting in his chair.

“You were saying?”. Jaemin's sly smile screams victory, Jeno is supposed to be in class and so is he. It’s okay, the perfect timing proves his point and Jeno raises his hands defeated when he leaves, waving at the boy disappearing somewhere to get an education. When he’s alone, Jaemin doesn’t fear it too much if it’s Mrs Lee recognizing him with her son. Not after Jeno shares about her accepting him, and he’s not sure if it’s just him overreacting but he smiles sheepishly at the look she gives him when he walks in class.

He takes a seat next to Renjun, who’s trying hard not to smirk when Jaemin opens his book and starts writing the date on his notes. For a moment he’s glad he likes literature or else it’d be awkward failing Jeno’s mother’s class. And as pleasing as his lunch break was, Jaemin is obviously distracted, not forgetting his previous conversation with Chenle.

The first week of school passes quickly, too busy with homework and avoiding his father delaying the built up anger because Jaemin’s days are actually not as bad, spending his free time between classes with Renjun and Jeno, or studying at the library for his tests instead of heading home.

Jaemin is immersed in one of his books, thumb pressing at the curving paper under his hand trying to highlight words when Chenle takes a seat across from him, where Jaemin and Renjun are studying. His best friend shares a look with Jaemin, and he would be surprised to see him there if it wasn’t for the most recent news.

Chenle’s hair is damp, and must have finished practice, being on the basketball team. Renjun tells him something in chinese to which the younger answers back, the orange haired boy sliding two fancy red letters their way, their names written in each one. They’re invitations for the Zhong family’s party, and there’s another letter Chenle gives Jaemin, gaze fixed on him.

Jaemin reads the name, furrows his eyebrows the younger’s way, index tracing to the cursive letters.

“Give this to him as well, mh?”. That’s all Chenle says confidently before bidding goodbye, cunning in his look and Jaemin does not like it one bit, about to stand up abruptly if it isn’t for Renjun holding his wrist, wide eyed as well.

“Don’t worry Jaem, I think he’s chill”.

“I just”. He presses his lips together, Renjun is not aware what Chenle just did is an open threat. Jaemin thought he had been careful, turns out he’s not allowed to breathe outside for a second or this happens. He’s trying to shut Jaemin up, and found something he cares about to do so. “I need to check if he truly is, wait for me”.

Their school is mostly empty at this hour, just janitors in the corridors cleaning from time to time, students nestled in the library like he was before and others following sports activities or extracurricular clubs. Jaemin catches up to where Chenle is walking, clearing his throat for attention. He shows the red letter with Jeno’s name, moves it in front of his face, eyes darkening.

“You’re now following me? What does this mean, Chenle?”. He asks, anger betraying the calmer tone he wanted to go for. Too bad, the younger is really touching a weak spot there, and the satisfied smile Chenle makes is proof he’s successfully getting the reaction he wanted.

“I saw you two”. Chenle scoffs, grabbing the letter, moving it in his hands. “At least if you want to keep it private don’t have sex where everyone can see you. Jisung’s windows are quite wide, don’t you think?”.

That’s where he saw them. Stupidly drunk for even taking that long to bring them somewhere private, and Jaemin wonders where exactly did Chenle saw them. Hopefully in the living room, where they were before they did anything serious and before they broke Jisung’s father’s desk.

“Liked the view?”. Jaemin’s face and tone lacks humour, staring down at the boy, trying to look for his intentions. He already has a hint of it, they’re not friends after all.

“Fucking left as soon as I saw, but”. Chenle hands him the letter, he picks it up reluctantly. “I still don’t trust you with your words. This is another way to tell you to stay quiet”.

“Kid, someone else has two know if they want to do business”. Jaemin smiles, narrows his eyes and shakes his head disappointed. So much for defending his ass while his father was being an homophobic piece of shit the other day. “I already told you, I don’t care what our fathers do. I already despise my own too much to care”.

Jaemin moves again the letter, fake mellow smile and a punch on the louder side thrown at the locker behind Chenle’s spine, notices the younger flinching caught out of guard. “See you at the party, doll”.

His mood gets killed right after that small dispute, asking Renjun with almost pleading eyes to just go home, and he’s relieved when the other simply nods, closing his books and a comforting hand resting at the small of Jaemin’s back as they walk to his chauffeur.

Renjun doesn’t say anything, letting Jaemin cuddle with him, bringing him down to his chest. They’ve been doing this since they were little, Renjun being the only one he could be softer around. Growing up, the times spent laying in bed and listening to each other’s calm breaths slowly disappeared. It doesn’t mean he cares less about the shorter boy with slim limbs and cold of his fingers permeable through the fabric of his shirt at his shoulders, and after the longest time they’re both back in Jaemin’s bed, maybe will nap for a while.

Jaemin is tired, he really needs to sleep, although he’s restless and shifts various times finding the most comfortable way to lay with Renjun. Now they’re older it’s kind of funny, Jaemin a significant amount of centimeters taller and much broader clinging to Renjun, yet the affection and always having each other’s back is quite strong when the older ruffles his blonde hair, worried face bending in a frown.

“What’s going on Jaem? You can tell me anything”. Renjun always has a pretty sparkle to his eyes, beaming with witty remarks, smart jokes and things he’s passionate about. Right now it’s a familiar sparkle, one slightly trembling because he cares about him.

“I’m sorry Junie, this time I don’t think I can”. Jaemin sighs, briefly looks down guilty for something he didn’t do. He knows he can trust Renjun, learned even the Huang’s family has done things they’re not very proud of in the past to save their reputation and that’s all they get for being thrown into this maddening playground. Where a distraction and a false move can be used for selfish reasons, any time. 

And Jaemin is mad because growing up in that environment should make them smarter, avoid repeating the same old shit their parents do but still they never learn. They follow their petty, dangerous steps until they’ll become exactly the people Jaemin hates right now.

“What about Jeno? Is there another reason why you suddenly started dating I don’t know?”.

“No, Chenle is just using someone I’m starting to care about in his favor and…”. Jaemin hesitates, closing a fist in Renjun’s shirt. “I can’t have my family find out about us, and it’s mainly a selfish reason because Jeno’s mother knows he’s gay. But I don’t think he’s ready to let anyone know, we just started dating and I already have someone using it against me”.

Renjun fixes his hair, combs them with his fingers, apprehensive glances in the way. “But it’s going well between you two, isn’t it? You seem happy around him”.

Jaemin nods, can’t be annoyed at the teasing smile Renjun makes, tickling his sides and he laughs, moving the gloom around them for a moment.

“I do, he’s something else, really”. Jaemin wants to shy away, if it wasn’t for Renjun being the one asking. His friend, always there for him, albeit some secrecy to things bigger than him he can’t tell. Jaemin and Jeno are already scared enough, dealing with a trouble they accidentally found, and dragging someone else down with it wouldn’t be fair. Renjun seems peaceful these days, and he wants to keep any frown out of his gentle features.

“Tell me about him. I know you two hoes started it off wildly, but you look pretty gooey now and I’m curious to find out what miracle Jeno did to you”.

Jaemin laughs, and starts telling Renjun. He can omit some details, and by that he means a literal case of underage and madly consensual sex. Allows to share some very nice words about Jeno, playfully hitting his best friend’s chest when he jokes around and the other starts tickling him down, crumpling bedsheets in a giggling mess because Jaemin is broader but Renjun’s thinner figure doesn’t stop from winning physical fights. He’s grateful, for a moment he can feel better, lighter before the world crashes back on them.

His chance to shut his mind off comes on Saturday, taking shots in Mark’s kitchen, a wide space that seems so crowded with all the bodies gathering there, hands busy taking emptying bottles and mixing alcohol together. He’s slightly dizzy, smoking a cigarette Donghyuck gave him, leaning at the fridge and staring at Taeil, another one of the fun university boys joining the supposed small gathering that turned into a messy party. Taeil is explaining to Mark how to make proper drinks without mixing a random bunch of stuff exactly how they’ve been doing all night. Jaemin already lost count of the ingredients, mind clouded with his tipsy state and lulling between Mark and Donghyuck bodies rescuing him from the slit of air coming from an open window, not helping the clouds of smoke to dissolve and clear the view.

Mark recently bought an apartment of his own, not as elegant and exaggerated like the Lee’s estate, because to be fair the canadian boy doesn’t really care about keeping up with their high end world. It’s fun, feels comfortable when Jaemin is friends with most people there and he’s been laughing with Doyoung, Taeil and Kun joining rarely and sharing their university antics.

Jaemin gets pulled out that small haze when Donghyuck’s eyes glint, moving quickly to greet someone who’s just arrived, stealing Doyoung’s presence as well immediately hugging the boy tightly. He takes a peak, and his heart speeds up seeing Jeno approaching his space, both acting a polite smile when Donghyuck moves a hand between them.

“Jaem, my boy, I don’t think I ever introduced you to Jeno”. Jaemin smirks with mirth, finding Donghyuck’s silly steps and tripping to Mark’s space funny, the older keeping an eye on him when he swings his drink dropping half of it to the floor. It’s already sticky in there. Poor Mark when he’ll have to deal with the mess tomorrow.

“You didn’t”. Jaemin answers as loudly as Donghyuck speaks, mocking him when music isn’t that loud and he can hear glimpses of Yukhei and Renjun conversation who are in the living room together if he focuses, twitching an eyebrow when he sees the younger sitting on his lap. Renjun hasn’t exactly come out, the only difference between them is he doesn’t care, lets himself be seen with Yukhei’s hands covering a big part of his upper thighs with how big they are compared to his skinny limbs.

“Nice to meet you”. Jaemin says, shaking Jeno’s hand who leans and furrows his eyebrows, glancing at Donghyuck.

“Jamie you said?”. 

“Jaemin”. Jaemin’s smile feels dazzling stretching his lips and Jeno gives him back the same look, hands taking a few seconds too long before they end that hold. 

No one is really paying attention to them, all engaged in a story Mark is sharing from one of the matches Jaemin probably didn’t attend, and he takes the chance to push his drink to Jeno’s lips, sharing something that makes both of them grimace because the cocktail attempt is horrible and flavors don’t match. Jaemin’s fingers burns with his third cigarette.

Time passes and Jeno’s lips are bitten red, wet with alcohol and Jaemin stares when Jeno takes his fingers and brings his lips to the white stick he’s holding, taking a drag wrapping his mouth prettily around it, staring right at Jaemin. His breath itches, the kitchen got empty, everyone back where music is except for Jungwoo who’s too drunk to care about them, grabbing another paper cup before disappearing as well.

Jaemin opens his mouth, inhales the smoke Jeno passes him and locks their lips in a kiss, turning off the cigarette to the kitchen table’s white marble. Sorry Mark – he briefly thinks before switching position and let Jeno’s back press to the counter, tongue sliding wet right where Jeno is already looking for him. They’re almost safe, most people in here are older and forgot high school from at least two good years now; they’re alone, music got louder and he’s sure everyone is having a good time, Jaemin as well when Jeno pushes his knee between his legs, moaning in a swallowed sound.

He keeps the pressure there, and Jaemin grinds on Jeno’s knee, roaming hands under his white shirt, stripping him off the thick leather jacket. Jeno throws his head back, hits the cupboard and whines in pain, so Jaemin’s hand immediately gets behind his head, moves his digits in circles to the hurting spot.

Jeno gives him a look, and despite pulling Jaemin closer with palms spread to his ass it’s kind of soft the way he kisses him instead, untucking his shirt from his belt so he can get his hands under it. Jaemin hums, hooks and slides his index under the line of Jeno’s boxers, gets a lovely moan rumbling in his neck where Jeno is sucking another bruise that will stay for the whole week.

“Touchy”. Whispers Jeno, tongue plainly licking and nipping at the skin, too busy gaping when Jaemin finds slick right inside his pants, closes his hand around Jeno’s length. They need to stop soon, or someone will definitely find them tonight. There’s something thrilling they both like, and they’re crazy for that, keeping their closeness longer. But he thinks of Chenle, who albeit being an asshole is definitely not a homophobe, and someone else in here might be.

“We should move somewhere else”.

Jeno stills Jaemin’s hand stroking his dick, encouraging him to continue. Jaemin pulls the hand, blinks twice a bit bewildered and Jeno makes an impatient sound that has him laugh, getting back at pleasing the other. 

“Now? Can’t we just lock the- oh, this is good”. Jeno is panting, still whispering and digging his nails at Jaemin’s nape. 

“It’s even more suspicious if we lock the door, Jeno”. Jaemin keeps chuckling, kisses his sweaty temple. “Let’s get in my car”.

“But your driver”. 

“I drove here myself”. 

Jeno looks at him, red cheeks and disheveled hair locks falling everywhere. He’s beautiful.

“First of all” Jaemin says, pushing Jeno down to lay on the backseat. “We won’t fuck”. He unzips Jeno’s pants, quickly strips him and gets back where they left, his hands cold, making Jeno jerk his hips.

“Why”. Jeno is throbbing, painfully hard his legs twitch; for Jaemin’s touches and for the freezing air cooling the car, an unusual chilly night. He gets down, bites the boy’s thigh, moving his tongue closer to his crotch, leaving a few bruises there.

He wraps his mouth to Jeno’s shaft, looks up and it is already an answer to Jeno’s simple question. They won’t have sex, that doesn’t mean he can’t please Jeno who seems impatient, back arching to his lips and Jaemin leaves a languid lick there. “Still”.

Jaemin starts with the intention of having some fun teasing Jeno, blowing him and reaching as far as he can until the boy shakes under him, fingers curling in his hair and lightly trying to push him at his own pace, Jaemin pulling out with a smirk every time. Jeno complaints, whines not really belonging to pleasure and more to annoyance, the full blown laugh Jaemin makes has the other half sitting, glaring at him and sustaining his upper body by pointing his forearms.

“You’re mean, first you won’t even fuck me and then you’ve mistaken me for a lollipop”.

Jaemin keeps laughing, takes a long wet strip with his tongue back where Jeno really is hard, and the small graze at his inner thigh makes him close his legs around Jaemin’s face.

“And don’t make fun of me”.

“I’m not”. Jaemin giggles, grabbing Jeno’s legs better and blows him again a few times. “You’re adorable, I’m sorry, I’ll make you cum I promise”.

“Don’t say stuff like that it’s embarrassing”. Jeno whines but he’s laughing too, face tensing with something Jaemin does with his tongue, and this time when the boy’s hands try to push at his head down again Jaemin lets him, hallowing his cheeks until he has to swallow Jeno, soothing his thighs that are closing again around his head, hips up and moaning satisfied.

He rests his cheek to Jeno’s stomach, listening to the uneven breath of him, face sinking with his skin and he opens a palm for Jeno to hold his hand. He’s uncomfortable, half laying and half pressing his right leg down to not fall down the backseat’s space, still not enough for him to get up or point that out to Jeno. The car he brought tonight is a less flashy one, smaller. 

He doesn’t know why, but they’re both shy when Jaemin decides to dress Jeno, locking eyes when he closes the button of jeans, Jeno timidly smiling at him before he’s pulled to his lap, nose dipping in his neck.

“You smell good”. Jeno mumbles, straddling the boy and circles his arms around his neck. Jaemin fixes his messy hair quietly, features washed out by darkness and only some yellowish street lights outside their small bubble inside the vehicle. What a surprise Jeno is, completely different than what he expected, a bright boy able to make his heart feel so light.

“Are you really okay with all of this''. Jaemin wants to make sure. It is rushed, they started dating a week ago and he’s still unsure how they got here. “This isn’t because of Jisung’s father, right? Because if it is, I don’t want you to feel forced to be attached to me in any way, we can work things out still being friends''.

“Jaemin”. Jeno cups his cheeks, shakes his head baffled. “I already liked you before we did anything last week. I, uhm, had a crush on you since last year, sorta”.

Jaemin stares at him and Jeno timidly pats his chest, scoffing a laugh. “I wouldn’t have thrown myself to you at that party if I didn’t like you, I never fool around this way. And I wanted to approach you differently, but people are shit and with all the gossip going around I thought it wasn’t a good idea, and that’s why I tried so hard to act cold when you were flirting with me. By the way, you’re not as subtle as you think you are”.

He laughs, taking in everything Jeno said, kisses the back of his hand. Jeno liking him sounds completely absurd, he was prepared for physical attraction, that was there since the start, even with Jeno eye rolls or blatantly ignoring Jaemin – and now he knows he was simply trying to not give in. 

“You’re crazy for liking me, I’m seriously lame”.

“Charismatic, knows how to talk with people, smart”. Jeno presses closer to his chest, bites his earlobe sensually and slightly grinds on him. “Sexy”.

“Hey”. He warns, doing nothing to detach, shutting his eyes at another mark that will bloom under his ear, Jeno’s favorite spot. 

“And there’s more, you’re actually plenty interesting. And kind, this is something I learned recently”.

Jeno opens the car door, climbs out and stretches a hand for Jaemin to take, dark eyes flashing happiness when he intertwines their hands together.

“Let’s go, I’m sure Hyuck is wondering where we are”.

The face he makes before pulling Jeno in one last slow kiss before getting back inside would be enough for Renjun to make fun of him for the entirety of the next three months, all lost gazes and heart picking an odd pace, biting his lips realizing he really likes Jeno Lee.

The night consumes a bit drunk and stupid, Mark screaming and Jaemin pointing his elbow to Jeno when he sees Renjun and Yukhei making out on the couch. Jeno stops him from taking a picture to send the boy, reminding him of his glorious hoe moments for the future. Mark overhears their conversation and starts giggling madly, Donghyuck too drunk to even register Jeno and Jaemin are particularly friendly for being two supposed strangers. Jaemin is happy seeing how much acceptance there’s in a room for the two kissing boys.

It’s fun, Doyoung at one point kind of narrows his eyes at him, holding Taeil in his lap because there’s no other space to sit other than the floor and tells him he’s keeping on eye on him, and that Jeno is like his own little brother and stresses frequently he is protective.

Jaemin raises his hands defeated, eyes looking for help but Jeno is just laughing at the scene, apparently he told the older they’re dating, saying him and Doyoung are very close friends and he kind of ends up sharing a lot with him.

They drank too much, so Mark offers them his guest room to sleep, him as well wasted to question everything. Jaemin obviously has a chauffeur that is paid to pick him up at any hour, or they could easily take a cab but instead what Mark focuses on is mumbling something about them being strangers and maybe it’s weird for them to sleep together, so they can “Make a pillow barrier or something” if they feel awkward. 

They tell him it’s fine, and Jaemin sits at the end of the bed opening his leg for Jeno to lay on top of him, kisses him and Jaemin snorts as he thinks of Mark’s words right when his tongue is licking the roof of Jeno’s mouth. He starts laughing at Jeno’s grimacing.

The boy grabs a pillow, covers Jaemin’s face with it but fails at escaping when the blonde grabs his thighs at the back, keeping him close.

“Hey where are you going”. Jaemin’s voice is hushed by the puffy cushion blocking his voice, tackled down by Jeno who does have some muscles and strength to keep up with him, ending up switching their positions after a few attempts, freeing their bodies from that stuffy pillow. Jeno raises his head to lick his bottom lip, sneaks his leg on Jaemin’s waist and pushes him down, both making a painful groan.

“Mark is right, we should make a pillow barrier, you’re too clingy”.

“Says the one who’s currently pushing me to his chest”. Jaemin finds his way to discard Jeno’s shirt to the floor, head light and on the drunk side, mapping lips with hickeys at Jeno’s pale chest, fingers and face sliding down to trace the line of his abs.

“No funny business at Mark’s place”. Warns Jeno, Jaemin huffing a warm puff of air where his bare skin meets the fabric of the boy’s jeans, looking up.

“But we have a bed”.

“But this is Mark’s new apartment”. He brings Jaemin back to a face level, both lying to the side and Jeno guides his head to his chest, where Jeno’s skin is covered with goosebumps. It’s cold tonight, temperature dropping fast after a not so good day of sun warming the asphalt and consuming their shoes’ soles.

“We never got to finish what we started back at Jisung’s party, and that could have been the best hookup I’ve ever had, not kidding”. Jaemin makes a stupid face, supposed to be serious and conving but it just makes Jeno squeeze his eyes happily.

“Silly, we have all the time”. Jeno comes closer to his face, whispers. “And if you want it that rough again, it’s okay, I dig it as well”.

“Jeno”. Jaemin whines, distressed with the boy’s addicting and sudden attitude. “You can’t say these things and then tell me we won’t do anything”.

“Not on Mark’s bed and apparently not in your car because you're cheating on me to keep her clean”.

“Fine”. Jaemin jokes, but maybe not really when he waits for Jeno standing up on his knees to the bed. “Let’s go in my car”.

“Oh my god, I’m kidding, you’re impossible”. Jeno covers his face with his hands, knees up and curling in a small ball, both enjoying that funny banter. When Jaemin lays back on the mattress, this time is to cover Jeno with the duvet, hugging him better, eyelids easily heavy and drifting to sleep.

He wakes up with a migraine, amplified by the armor piercing sound of his phone, ringing voidly in an attempt to stretch his arm and answer whoever is calling him. Jeno shifts next to him, groaning tired and clings, both freezing and sticking with the sensation of being lost, smelling of alcohol and the need for a shower as soon as possible.

“Hello?”.

“Don’t tell me you're still at Mark’s. We have lunch together, idiot. Move, I'm already at yours”.

It’s Donghyuck, voice an inch impatient and way too vibrant for his confusing awakening. How could he forget, today is the most relevant lunch of the normal useless Sundays where his parents invite the Lee’s or literally anyone who has ties with his father’s business to impress, letting everyone know they’re a good family and hosts. He sits up, rubs his eyes so roughly he can lose eyesight and he sees stars everywhere in the room for a few seconds. He’s shivering, Jeno still sleepy reaching his arm to find him, scrunching his nose with a sound.

“Come here”.

“Sorry baby, I need to go”. Jaemin bites his bottom lip at the pet name slipping, stroking Jeno’s cheek, looking pale and littered with hickeys. He yawns, blinking eyes to look up at Jaemin questiongly.

“Lunch with Donghyuck, and Lia. Maybe today can be helpful for us”. 

“Okay”. Jeno hums, grabbing weakly the collar of Jaemin’s shirt and pulls him down for a kiss. “Bye Nana”.

Jeno’s voice is husky, still more asleep than awake, eyes closing again quickly when Jaemin gets up and leaves the room. He spots Mark in the living room trying to clean some alcohol off the floor and asks him to check on Jeno and maybe wake him later. Mark jokes about them becoming besties after one night spent together and he laughs, hands in his pockets and some lonely amused steps to his car. If only Mark knew the rest of it.

Donghyuck is quite a valuable person, and Jaemin is extremely grateful when he grabs him unceremoniously from his car as soon as he parks outside and hides him in his bedroom before anyone can see him, sharp in time and earlier than ever. 

“I’ll pick an outfit for you, go shower, you stink”. 

Jaemin glares at him, clutching at his baby blue bathrobe before disappearing under the shower. Donghyuck gives him a pointed look when Jaemin is buttoning his shirt, smacking lips together tinted with faint a shade of red and judges down his marked skin. Jaemin shrugs, it’s not like they both weren’t drunk and gone a few hours prior at Mark’s place, takes in Donghyuck’s tidy look as he’s fixing Jaemin’s tie with practiced ease.

“Better”.

Sundays are Jaemin’s favorite days at their lunch table, for various reasons not necessarily connected between them. They have a catering company working to make a menu for them and whoever is visiting, usually it’s the Lee’s since their fathers collaborated for a new model of cars they designed together. His mother shows up, of course she does when they need to act like the happy family they aren’t, and back then he enjoyed Jaehyun’s lack of enthusiasm that made things spicy between niceties and good wine. At least it was fun not being the one causing trouble for once.

The long dining table shines under open windows and a silky tablecloth decorated with white and pink flowers, taking place after greeting Donghyuck's parents and Lia, cheeks meeting briefly and the usual compliments Mrs Lee likes to tell Jaemin, always too kind. 

Lia hugs him too, aloof even in that hold, polite smile and thin features similar to Donghyuck smiling at him, same heart shaped lips showing her straight line of white teeth. She looks older for her age, not really in her youthful looks — it's in the way she acts, calculated and exactly knowing how to move in these occasions only meant to show off their wealth. 

Luckily for them, both families are fairly warm to each other, Jaemin grew up and frequented the same environments as Donghyuck since they were kids. They're somewhat close, and Jaemin can't take his eyes off Lia since they started lunch, which is more about talking and catching up than eating, inspecting her hiding behind a glass of red wine. 

She’s standing across from him, drinking a chalice of water because she’s too young for wine, warm brown hair curled at the ends and moved to the side, uncovering the sun kissed skin of her shoulder very similar to her brother’s, contrasting with the bright white of her dress.

Pure, innocent, that's how she looks smiling and receiving praises from Jaemin’s mother about her excellent grades, being the best student between second year's. And Jaemin’s mind of course travels back to the pictures he saw, all those letters. The thought of such a small and thin girl like Lia indulging like Mr Park makes him swallow down all of the wine in his glass with one big gulp, avoiding the upcoming hiss when it burns in his closed throat.

There’s Donghyuck kicking his ankles under the table, a look that means so much – stop it, we just started, at least wait after the first course is done. Jaemin wants to scream, tell him what his sister is up to; what an unhappy lunch would it be if he finds out. 

Recently his family toned it down with all those Sunday lunches, everyone busy with summer holidays and his mother’s depression not really allowing them to have guests without opening the curtains to what really goes on inside their glass like lives. Lives beautiful, shining and so fragile to get scrapes and break, to handle with care if possible.

“Jaemin, I heard you're not on the swimming team anymore”. Donghyuck's father asks, straightening his back at his name being called into conversation.

“Yeah, I want to focus on this year’s exams at my best, it’s not like we were going anywhere with our team. The younger students seem promising though, I’m gladly coaching them”.

“As expected from Jaemin”. Says proudly Mrs Lee, and he can’t help but genuinely smile at the woman. She always had an out of place but reassuring trust towards him, never spares some nice words and is happy to see her son with him on the rare occasions he comes over.

Jaemin turns to Lia, courtesy of a smile. “I heard you’re following Hyuck’s steps, dancing team right?”.

Lia nods, taps her mouth shaded with the same lipstick of her brother with an embroidered napkin, the good ones they use for guests.

“It's fun to meet Hyuck during practice”. 

Dancing team, Jisung Park is also part of it. Jaemin finds it odd how the two got closer recently, seeing them laugh all happily not too many days ago. He knows Chenle spends time with Lia as well, and the picture keeps getting more confused in his head, trying to make sense to what he sees. Maybe it's convenient to befriend your supposed lover’s son, trying to win him over for something Jaemin still can't get.

They end up mentioning the party at the Zhong’s that’s coming up during the week, Jaemin tenses up until his father doesn’t make any unfortunate comment regarding all their fight, hopefully Jaemin’s strong reaction was the key to make him understand saying his shitty opinion only gives him trouble. Jaemin frequents a school of ‘good morals’, ‘no discrimination’, and how stupid it sounds when he’s heard people being openly ignorant or only wanting to fool around with someone like Jeno just because he doesn’t have their same money worth in his family’s accounts. 

It makes him angry, the hypocrisy of everything surrounding them, it costs nothing to be a decent person and it seems impossible to cross paths with kinder souls from time to time, in a school built on status judgment masked with a result of convenient facades to be accepted in their restricted society.

Sun shines behind his eyes when he closes them, chirping birds and face burning with the evening, lying on a sunbed outside where his pool is. He’s satisfied, dodged uncomfortable topics just fine and overall didn’t want to get up and leave as many times as usual, loosening the hold of his tie, where Jeno’s lips bruising his neck gets exposed under the clear light.

Donghyuck lays next to him, black sunglasses covering half of his face, sipping lemonade that Aretha kindly offered them. There’s no decency in the way he opens his white blouse, tanned skin gloriously beaming, as if he belongs to summer.

Jaemin’t can’t say the same about himself. Yes, he’s born in August, albeit right now he’d gladly avoid any light worsening his migraine and hangover still strong in a hazing rest of his sore muscles, squeezing tired eyes after drinking even more during lunch so it could be bearable. His stomach could twist thinking about the weird mixes of vodka, rum, weirdly flavored poison he didn’t puke out last night. They just made him reckless enough to get stuck in uncomfortable positions just to suck Jeno off, which he wants to laugh at. What a night.

“You were drunk as shit yesterday, how are you so active today?”.

Donghyuck pushes his glasses at the tip of his nose, beautifully shaped eyes taunting in a look.

“I was fine, and I clearly remember you stealing my friend away”. Donghyuck rests his spine back to the sunbed. “I didn’t know Jeno was your type”.

“How do you know we’re dating?”. Jaemin says surprised, raising up and looks back at Donghyuck when this time he actually removes his sunglasses, shocked.

“You’re what now? I thought you guys were hooking up”. He shakes his head “Since when are you exactly dating?”.

Jaemin hums, actually thinking if he can consider the past week as dating. They didn’t get to be together as much as he wanted, holding each other only a few minutes between classes if they were able to meet in a safe space. The night they just spent is a taste of how good it could be having time to spend with Jeno. He adores his company; it’s comfortable, Jaemin doesn’t feel he has to overly impress Jeno because he doesn’t fall for his wealth and Jaemin never wanted to impress him with that. They fall in each other’s spaces just fine, there’s never a dull moment with Jeno.

“Around a week”.

Donghyuck opens his mouth, a dramatically betrayed sound and expressions belonging to a cheap telenovela scene. “So you’re telling me you made me introduce two people that are already dating. There’s really a first time for everything”. 

Jaemin laughs, it is funny if he puts it that way, shaking hands with Jeno and pretending to memorize their names in that recital was amusing for both of them. “Sorry”. He says unapologetically, shrugging in a chuckle.

“I’m relieved, though”. Donghyuck leans back to the sunbed “Hopefully it’s serious, whatever you have”.

“I hope it is”. Jaemin answers immediately, glancing at his nails digging at his digits. “I’d like for it to stay between us for a while, if you can. Only Renjun knows”.

“Ah, Renjun”. Donghyuck bites his lip, steals a glance at Jaemin's way and it’s a treat seeing the bold boy blushing for once. He recalls the sight of his best friend making out with Yukhei, and having a glance of the unexplainable relationship the two have. Jaemin recognizes a brief sadness or defeat in the other’s eyes, confusing him more. If only one of them spoke about whatever happened.

Jaemin looks over the pool, trees drawn on water’s reflection mixed with the plastic light blue of the pool’s walls, leaving behind their parents and Lia still chatting about something they can’t hear where they are. Jaemin reminds himself he has plans and things to achieve from today’s lunch.

“What about Lia? I see her often with Jisung these days”.

“Jaemin”. Donghyuck smirks “Jisung is literally gay, his boyfriend’s family is organizing a whole ass party”.

“That’s not what I mean”. Jaemin sighs, cheeks inflated and it makes the other cackle. There’s no one else enjoying making Jaemin lose his patience as much as Donghyuck does, putting an extra effort twisting his words all the time. “They seem close”.

“Why so interested?”.

Jaemin makes a disinterested sound, moving his hand dismissively. “We’re leaving this school soon, it’s nice to see what the youngsters are up to”.

Donghyuck makes a sound in approval, falling quiet, only hearing him sucking the straw to the last drops of lemonade, noisy at the bottom of his glass. Pretty funny they are so young, lives like theirs give you many chances, experiences. Whenever Jaemin meets someone who is not like him they always point that out, how it looks like he’s lived three more lives than them. They have different hobbies, getting bored easily when they seriously have anything they want. Nothing stops them, and when everything bores you it’s not that hard to get in trouble.

“Lia, she’s weird recently”. Donghyuck says, probably more to himself than Jaemin. It has his attention, ears perking at it. “ I think growing up does that to you, right? I still view her as my little sister when she’s slowly becoming older and I should stop worrying too much”.

“How so?”.

“She’s barely home, has those little secrets with her friends and I just hope she’s being responsible whatever she does in her free time. I can’t complain, I was the same as her at her age”.

“Yeah, now you’re worse”. Jaemin humours and Donghyuck playfully pushes him, making him lose balance and almost fall in the pool. Jaemin is unsure Donghyuck would have gotten himself a forty years old lover at Lia’s age, if he’s honest.

She comes out that moment, house keys and a keychain looking awfully like a flash drive, or maybe Jaemin’s quick glance is deceiving him. Her dress flutters with the light steps she makes where Donghyuck sits, pecking his cheek sweetly. She also moves to Jaemin, same meeting of cheeks but less real, the one you give out of courtesy and he can’t blame her.

“I’m going, thank you for inviting us”.

“Always a pleasure”. Jaemin raises his martini, now boiling hot but it’s still good so out of his parents eyes he can keep drinking up his sorrows. What those are, he’s not sure.

“Wait, where are you going?”. Donghyuck stops her from slipping away, holding her hand. Seeing them together is interesting. Lia has more delicate features but overall if Donghyuck puts a wig on they could look like twins. Of course the boy’s thighs are firmer, long legs and honestly impressive body proportions. No wonder Renjun has a crush he’s not admitting to the point he ends up kissing someone else when they were in the same space.

“At Jisung’s, probably won’t get back home for dinner, don't wait for me”. She squeezes Donghyuck’s hand, fast steps to their garden’s pathway where the gateway is opening for her to exit.

“Hey! Be careful, text me when you’re heading back”.

She gives him a thumbs up, then blows a kiss in their direction. Donghyuck shakes his head, Jaemin’s fingers already itching to play Sherlock Holmes. It’s bigger than him, and really needs something that could help him and Jeno put together the pieces they have.

He excuses himself to the bathroom. Is dangerous texting someone with his friend in sight who’s able to snatch his phone out of his hands and see who’s stealing the attention on him. Donghyuck did it once when he was sixteen, the time he discovered Jaemin was hooking up with guys. He decided he really didn’t need to see Jaemin sexting while he was with his friends but Jaemin can’t trust him he won’t sneak a glance again, not when this time it’s something a lot more important than where he’ll put his dick.

He sits at the toilet, thumbs fast typing to the cracked screen of his phone. He dropped it yesterday somewhere, he doesn’t even remember but now it’s broken and he has to deal with it.

To: Injunie

hey  
i need a favor   
a biggg one  
can u pretend to be asking chenle to hang out?  
he’s a piece of shit but you’re friends with him  
i’m not mad <3

He’s satisfied because of course his best friend is a fast replier, used to Jaemin’s love for random messages and conversations. Unlike Jeno, not much of a texter adding it to why it feels like he hasn’t seen him much this week. Boy doesn’t even know what an emoji is.

From: Injunie

first of all  
that heart is a no  
i want no hearts  
also if he asks me to hang out fr   
i’m busy!!  
but yeah sure wait

So Jaemin waits. Taps his foot to the white floor at a jittery pattern, starting to think of reasonable excuses for taking so long in the bathroom to tell Donghyuck when he comes out. It’s a big house, it takes a while to get there, he feels sick because he’s been drinking his body weight with alcohol since yesterday, ate something funny before at lunch – his phone finally rings.

To: Injunie

busy doing what??  
if ur not getting wild with mr bulky  
(btw wtf!!) he’s hot  
k don’t distract  
anyways if ur not with him then   
u can’t tell me   
ur busy, i don’t buy it

From: Injunie

u distracted urself idiot  
chenle answered  
said he’s tasting cakes w jisung   
and his mom for the party  
these bitches look like they’re getting married  
also said jisung is spending the night w him  
basically told me to fuck off  
with kindness  
are u happy now criminal minds cast wannabe??

Jaemin snorts at the continuous buzzing of his phone, writing his answer.

To: Injunie

jesus how much do u type  
yes thank u  
i was doing older bro duties  
for a sister who’s not my sister  
let me know about yukhei tho

From: Injunie

extra gossip  
maybe u don’t care  
it’s about the hags  
jisung’s dad just got back   
from his business trip  
maybe for the new park campaign  
the watches line they have

To: Injunie

fancy  
and oh great  
another useless party to attend

From: Injunie

knew it lmao  
now  
yukhei is actually coming here so,,,,  
bye ! :)

Jaemin almost drops his phone, replying quickly how much of a traitor Renjun is before calming down and being proud of all the information he’s got. Lia’s flash drive at her keychain – he’s still not sure if it is relevant, but Jisung is not home, Mrs Park is still out of town and Lia is definitely heading to an evening with Jisung’s father. Whatever they have, it’s still going on, and Jaemin suddenly wants to check the dates of the letters.

“It’s okay, my mother is not home”. Jeno stops holding his hand to open the door of his house, Jaemin timidly following him inside. They were at school when Jaemin told him he wanted to talk about the recent Sunday events, asking to find somewhere safe they could bring everything up. 

Jeno has a neat garden outside, green bushes covering the front walls and he spots two smaller balconies connected to two rooms. It’s a modest house, of course Jaemin is used to useless big spaces but it feels nice, homey, like a house should be. Spaces filled with clothes hanging, a board with appointments written down, personal items and not chandeliers and expensive furniture making everything aseptic, as if someone doesn’t live there and Jaemin’s house is supposed to be a museum. Feels real.

Jaemin figures soon one of the balconies belongs to Jeno’s bedroom, bed with blue sheets, a long bookshelf and his desk has a tall stack of books and binders occupying its surface. There’s a few pictures pinned at a board, and Jaemin’s attention falls to one with a girl; she has Jeno’s same smile and happy wrinkling around her eyes, she looks taller with hair jet black. He also notices Jeno looks a lot younger in the photo, around middle school age.

“Do you have a sister?”. Jaemin asks, turning to where Jeno sits at the end of his bed, duvet rustling with his weight.

“Had”. Jeno says, sad smile as he gladly take Jaemin’s hand now taking place next to him. “She passed away five years ago, in a car crash”.

“Jeno”. Jaemin barely whispers, Jeno’s smooth skin of his cheek under his thumb before he hugs the boy, the other pressing his chin down his shoulder, staying there for a while.

“We were in shambles, my mother and I. My parents had recently divorced, and we lived in the most dysfunctional apartment for my last year of middle school, after the funeral and everything”. Jeno’s voice is low, as if talking louder will make him flee from Jaemin, never leaving his shoulder. Jaemin keeps soothing his back, hugs him closer. He sounds calm, yet there’s so much sadness at the bottom of his words and it’s clear how much he suffered.

“I’m so sorry, Jen”. Jaemin really is out of words, and listens to the boy’s calm breathing before he starts speaking again.

“We were afraid for some time about my education, where the money for high school would come from since my father really turned his back to us, cares about his new little family only. He really left us when we needed to to be a family the most”. 

Jaemin grips his hold. He’s so thankful he can hug Jeno, that's the only thing that feels effective or right to let him understand Jaemin is there for him. He had no idea Jeno went through all of this, nobody really knows anything about him. And Jaemin is relieved nobody does, no mean mouths can speak dirt on Jeno’s life this way.

“Luckily my mother had a high graduatory for her teaching position, and my middle school headteacher suggested that she should try out for these kinds of private schools, apply for a job here. That’s how I got to Neo Culture, also my grades were basically excellent to let me study here with a scholarship and everything, the rest of it I think everyone already knows. It got better at the end, look at his house. My mother worked so hard for me, I’m trying to pay it off with what I can do, which is to study well”.

“I’m glad you’re here, despite everything. I wish we could have been friends sooner, I had no idea Jeno. You’re strong, such a strong person, really”. Jaemin feels a light peck at his shoulder, slightly swinging their tangled bodies.

“I was hurt, I used to tell her everything and suddenly I had no one to talk to, becoming a real misfit being so different from all of you”.

“You’re not, Jeno, you’re better than most of the people at our school. And who treats you as a misfit is an asshole, unfortunately there are many in here”.

Jeno huffs, but it’s more of an amused one. He pulls just to cup Jaemin’s cheeks, and plays with the shell of his ear.

“I would have definitely told her about you. I met Doyoung at an open day at his university and we became friends, that’s why I tell him everything. It feels good when he treats me like an actual little brother”.

Jaemin tilts his head fondly, lingering a long kiss to his cheek. “I know I’m basically a stranger, but for anything, you can talk to me. I’d like to be that person for you, we’re working on it, aren’t we?”.

Jeno nods, holding both of Jaemin’s hands and getting them up. “I’d keep that in mind. And yes, we are working on it and I think it’s going well for now”.

He slides down his hands to the fabric of Jaemin’s uniform, fingers bumping to the buttons and fits his palms around his middle, looking up at him. Jaemin nods back, lips pressed together and the moment feels too nice to break it with the actual reason why they got in Jeno’s room in the first place. He eventually does, they don’t have much time.

“Want to know what I found out?”.

Jaemin starts explaining. From the keychain that awfully looked like a flash drive Lia obviously keeps around with her at all times. Probably is something very important and she’s not afraid to keep it around Mr Park. Her recent closeness with Jisung and how Donghyuck said she’s been odd recently. Jeno also gives him a pointed look that is meant to silently ask if he was careful and didn’t say anything weird that could make Donghyuck suspicious, but Jaemin has been very careful. Then he goes to how Lia blatantly lied, because Jisung was with Chenle tasting cakes and what else could she be doing at the Park’s mansion if not being with Mr Park who conveniently just got back home.

“I think, as absurd as it sounds, there’s really some sort of relationship behind this”. Jeno is biting his pencil, school books spread open in the living room in case his mother comes home and they can just pretend to be studying. “I mean, come on, he can’t even use Lia’s pictures as blackmail or he’d go straight up to court. She’s a minor”.

Jaemin wrinkles his nose, the idea of a genuine relationship between them still disturbs him. Although Jeno is right. There's no way he can use Lia’s picture against her or Donghyuck's family without getting in trouble as well. He takes out the papers of printed letters from his bag and the red letter of Chenle slides to the bed, Jeno’s name clear in sight.

“What’s that?”. Says Jeno curiously, taking the piece of thick paper in his hands. Jaemin sighs, it was about to happen anyway.

“For a party, Chenle invited us”. Jaemin fingers lightly tap against Jeno’s, biting his lips nervously. “It’s not as nice as it sounds, he uhm, he knows about us. And there’s a thing he holds against my family so this is his way to let me know I should stay quiet. I want to be honest with you, Jeno. Chenle doesn’t like me, these are things that happen all the time to families like ours. Chenle might be gay but that would not stop him from exposing us if he needs to. You can still come with me, if you still want me even when it means dealing with these things. I’d be nice to have you around”.

If Jeno can open his heart and share his personal life with Jaemin then he needs to be less selfish and put his cards on the table, as rough as they get. It is risky for Jeno to be with him, at least now he knows.

“Are you in any kind of trouble?”. Asks Jeno, frowning between his lovely eyes Jaemin wants to kiss away. It’s not fair, tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.

“Not me, my father on the other hand”. Jaemin almost laughs bitterly. For once he’s not guilty of anything but having a shitty father, that is not something he can control. Jeno nods, pecks him quickly and fixes his slippery glasses.

“Then I’d love to come with you”.

The Zhong’s estate is all lightened up on a casual Thursday evening, lights guiding them through the pathway after a security guard checked their names on the list and let them in. The chinese boy’s mother has a love for fountains, that one’s clear with the amount of water plays splashing the space of their gardens, water colored with lights and Jeno seems both uneasy and fascinated. 

Jaemin smiles, he looks good. After a lot of complaining and him and Aretha persuading him it is okay to be spoiled sometimes, Jeno is wearing a black suit they bought at Jaemin’s favorite tailoring where he trusts all the employers his specific taste for fancy clothing to show off on these foolish nights will be respected. He’s wearing an emerald one, a bit flashy but who cares, it compliments his blonde locks.

He’d love to hold Jeno’s hand, walk in together as his date and not a school friend like he ends up introducing him to his parents attending not too long after they enter the excessive ballroom.

All soft tones, pink and cream colors in the decorations of the room, waiters moving around with flutes of champagne and wine, Jaemin snagging a drink for him and Jeno. He clinks their glasses together, winking slyly when Jeno hesitates to drink.

“Trust me, you’ll need it”.

Jeno looks handsome. He leaves his glasses at home and Jaemin’s attention falters by how warm and sparkly the boy’s eyes are under the important chandelier lights, crystal drops hanging from the high ceilings. Also his hair is styled, parted in the middle and forehead showing off. Jaemin always finds beauty in Jeno, but tonight he’s a treat for everyone’s eyes, and more times than said Jaemin protectively holds his back walking in the room as some people are clearly checking Jeno out.

They spot Renjun, roped by Chenle’s mother and smiling politely, stripped of cocky looks, sounding too mellow he hears Jeno chuckle next to him, probably finding the whole scene funny as well. They know Renjun is completely different with them.

These kinds of nights are network business, and Jaemin navigates through some dignified names of headteachers of different prestigious universities, engaging conversations with professors his father knows. Jaemin doesn’t really care about going to university, keeping up with his studies, but if that means he can create his own future and study far away from his home like Jaehyun did, then he’s all in for that. Regardless, he finds introducing Jeno to every important face he shakes hands with, and maybe brags a little about the boy’s grades and skills.

Jeno takes him by his sleeve and hides them behind a wide column, in a darker corner of the ballroom. Jaemin notices his pink cheeks, contrasting with how serious his nervous frown is.

“You don’t have to do all of this”. 

Jaemin smiles, fixes Jeno’s collar and takes the chance to caress the bare skin there of his neck, locking eyes with him.

“Can’t I be proud of my smart date? It’s nothing, and I like to introduce you to everyone”. Jaemin pursues his lips, a small glance where Renjun notices them and links his arm with another mother to impress, leaving them space. He winks his thanks in his direction. “Also, there’s too many people thinking you look very handsome tonight”.

“I only want you to think I’m handsome”. Jeno whispers, and Jaemin’s stomach does a funny twist, carefully pressing his lips to the boy’s jaw. They’re impossible, and he’s not surprised their friends already caught up with their relationship.

“I think of it every day, and no suit needed. Don’t worry, beautiful”. He gives a nudge to his arm, the first sincere smile of the night only for him. “My mother said she’d like to have a chat with us as well, let’s go”.

As the night goes on, Jeno seems less nervous, sharing some smiles he recognizes as genuine talking with Renjun’s father, his best friend’s parents also familiar with Jeno’s face, and they take their time to treat Jaemin with that friendly and light manner he adores, teasing him as well. He usually enjoys staying at the Huang’s – even hearing Renjun loudly complaining in chinese during meals and his mother answering with that same biting tone is confusing and entertaining at the same time.

Jeno excuses himself to the bathroom and Jaemin talks with his mother who chirps about how handsome and kind Jeno is, nice to see her smiling for once. Jaemin looks around the room for a while. Several minutes are passing and he is about to go and look for his night’s company before Jeno appears again, sheepishingly telling him he got lost on the way back. He makes a weird smile Jaemin doesn’t take too seriously, he's probably still nervous. The Zhong’s estate is excessively big, he kind of relates, feels microscopic in the wide room.

They get distracted by Chenle’s mother tapping the microphone and starting to greet and thank everyone for coming to the party. Chenle is next to her, orange hair styled back and a restless look when he calls Jisung and advances in the middle of the room where everyone is gathered, stretching a shaky hand for his taller boyfriend to take. Chenle takes a deep breath.

“I don’t know exactly how to say this, I tried rehearsing it in my head for days and I think it’s best to, ehm”. 

Jaemin can’t avoid the shocked gasp mingling with everyone else’s surprise when Chenle bends on one knee, opening a tiny blue velvety box kept in his pocket to reveal a demanding ring, diamond glowing under the lights and Jisung’s trembling eyes. A white gold band, a promise ring, an engagement ring, no one is sure because the two boyfriends are just staring lovingly at the other without saying anything. Jisung’s eyes are questioning, maybe confused and not expecting the night to take such an important turn. It makes sense; they’re young but they already secured a future and stability, their only concern should be keeping that relationship as strong as it is now.

“This is for the future, Sungie. We don’t have to rush it”. Chenle grins, looking particularly soft, licking his chapped lips shaking and showing his teeth. “We’re young, there’s still a lot I need to learn about you, and I’m excited to take every single one of these steps. Ugly bits, all the insecurities you see in yourself that in my eyes are beautiful and unique because they make you, you. So if you give me the honor to accept me and all of the flaws I’ll show you in the future, I’m here and I’ll gladly grow and discover all of it staying next to you. Always”.

Jisung’s watery eyes now are definitely shedding tears, nodding and whispering a trail of “Yes, Chenle, yes” that has everyone clapping happily and coo at the sweet couple hugging, Jaemin forgetting for a moment his dispute with Chenle, feeling pride and smiling at the scene. They’re beautiful, and brave, for a moment he stares at Jeno and if someone as young as Chenle and Jisung can do it, maybe they also can.

Still, there’s someone who’s not happy, clapping awkwardly and a fake smile Jaemin recognizes too well. And that hope crumbles, faster than how it built under the two lover’s hug. His father obviously keeping it together, claps dying down to a slow distracted beat lead by disgust, looking uncomfortable and out of place. Jaemin knows what his father thinks of it, and has vigorously expressed it. This hurts more, right in front of his eyes the picture of how he’d see Jaemin, him and Jeno if one day he ever decides to speak up. His father is an absent figure, someone he despises most times and easily gets out of him the worst and mean parts hiding under his heart. But it hurts, stomach dropping and eyes prickling with an acceptance he’ll never receive in his life, by someone who should support him no matter what. 

“I want to leave”. Whispers Jaemin, shutting eyes at the broken sound of his voice. Jeno turns, worried and scanning him. He holds Jeno’s hand, blinking eyes to erase that wet haze, taking a deep breath. “Please”.

Jeno takes him home. It’s late, around midnight, and there’s a silent agreement where in Jeno’s room Jaemin takes off his clothes, Jeno kissing his forehead. It’s peaceful, awfully quiet in the night and Jaemin’s brain won’t shut up, breathing a shaky sound when Jeno kisses his neck, slow and extremely sweet. He’s aware something is off, and he is truly the best person he could have close right now when he doesn’t ask anything, just leans in and takes care of him.

His bare skin is cold, the room is as well, and Jaemin rests his chin on the boy’s shoulder, circles one leg around his hips and moves, getting a sound out of Jeno who crawls his fingers holding Jaemin’s head, letting their tongues meet in a kiss. When Jaemin’s back meets the mattress and they’re still lost into wet sounds of slick lips not ready to separate, Jaemin’s slope of his nose nudges Jeno’s cheek, inhaling his sweet fragrance.

“Can we switch tonight?”.

Jeno blinks a few times, hand tangled under his blonde hair messing between his fingers and the soft pillow. He nods, kisses him again, taking both their time to breath, to memorize patterns of skin. It’s lovely, and so different from how Jaemin likes to touch or be touched. He can show Jeno this side of him. Like Chenle said, the ugly bits he’s not proud of or scared to expose, the ones he’s afraid no one would like if he says them out loud or shows them.

“Are you sure?”.

“I trust you”. Jaemin smiles, a bit sad but it warms up under Jeno’s stare, finger tracing his pink lips. “I think tonight I need you like this, if you want to”.

“Of course, Jaem, I’m just making sure”. 

Jaemin’s mind is clouded. He can’t renounce this, that warmth sitting just right at the end of his stomach and the back of his heart. Unfair that someone is disgusted by his right to feel, to grip at someone with a fondness melting his body relaxing under Jeno, sounds escaping his lips when Jeno’s slim fingers are moving inside him reaching a place that has his thighs shaking, long whine exhaling as his spine arches and his neck cranes for Jeno to bite there.

His brain elaborates and hurts; this is the closest part of him, what feels like being finally himself. No protecting cocky smiles or foolish flirting just for the sake of looking like he has everything under control, eyes wet with tears of a burning he doesn’t get often and moaning in Jeno’s mouth as languid and affected as he is by all of this, no fulfilling sensation moving inside him can compare to the need of pleasing Jeno, of making him feel safe whatever they’re doing.

He keeps crying, this is right, he is right. He lets out one choked sound startling Jeno, who stops moving and glances everywhere to his shut eyes and gaping mouth, hand open on Jeno’s chest.

“Did I do something wrong? Hey, Jaem-”.

“You’re perfect”. Jaemin opens one eye, rocking his hips back to Jeno, rolling them over so the boy is now half sitting and he straddles him. “I’m fine, just a bit overwhelmed”.

“We can stop, really. Do you want to continue?”.

Jaemin nods, forehead pressed at Jeno’s chest, sweating and heating up with their movements. He sinks down again, Jeno’s breath itching and hands finding place to his hips, helping him move. It’s languid, not quiet, pleased sounds mingling louder and breathy and Jaemin keeps gaping against Jeno’s neck; feeling good, feeling safe and not alone.

Jeno’s fingers curling behind his thighs, spreading him and his hips grind forward, the new position making Jeno curse, one hand stroking Jaemin in their close bodies where there was already friction. The extra attention has his hands steady at the headboard, and it doesn’t take long before he spills between their bodies and Jeno cums inside him making Jaemin leap with that feeling, first time trusting someone enough to do this.   
He starts shaking; overwhelmed, overstimulated, tears still embedded between his long lashes pressing down his cheeks with how powerfully his eyes are closed, taking his breath collapsing on Jeno.

There’s not a part of him regretting this, not a part of him that wants to leave. Jeno holds him, and in that embrace he finds himself braver, focusing on that light of acceptance he felt at the party again. Jaemin really likes Jeno.

Jaemin’s muscles are sore, tangling his body with Jeno after they decently get clean, ears relaxed with the ruffling sound of the puffy duvet hugging their bare bodies. He’s tired, it crashes on his body violently, how heavy his eyes are and feels numb pressing his head to Jeno’s chest, fingers and arm slumped on his waist listening to Jeno’s steady heartbeat.

“Jaemin?”. Whispers Jeno, checks if he’s awake. He makes a low sound in response, he’s listening.

“I saw your father and Chenle’s tonight. When I went to the bathroom”. 

Jaemin freezes, teeth nipping at his bottom lip painfully, breath shuddering. There’s a finger under his chin, Jeno gently but firmly asking him to look at his eyes, at least what he can catch with the night’s dark. 

“What did you see?”.

“Is that why Chenle is threatening you with our relationship?”.

Jaemin’s chest feels on fire, painful and drastically falling from the calmness they were lulling in before. God knows what Jeno is thinking of his family, of him. He’s aware he never had fondness for their lifestyles, their apparent carefree living. After knowing more about Jeno’s family he feels guilty, and incredibly uneasy he tastes blood on his lips. Biting too hard.

“We’re terrible, aren’t we?”. Jaemin finds the will to make a bitter laugh, completely filled with hatred from everything, slowly turning his back to Jeno because he can’t stand it but he stops him, holds his hand.

“Our lives are completely different”. Jeno starts, eyes digging something, the anticipation Jeno will break things off and give up because he’s right, they’re different. He and his mother are honest people living hurtful difficulties and lives where they earn and deserve all the positive outcomes. Jaemin can’t say anything about his; guilt twisting his guts thinking about his father’s recent white business. “But you’re not like them. You’re not, Jaemin”.

“What if I am? What if I turn out to be like that. It’s dreadful, Jeno. The weight we keep with us and I know you might think we’re just stupidly spoiled trust funds and there are worse things in life, hell, with what happened to you I don’t blame you if you laugh at me and tell me to grow up. Chenle already did, it’s the truth”.

“You won’t. We haven’t been hanging out for long but all I see is a very beautiful and selfless heart in you. And when things get too much, you can always come here. No matter how different the places we grew up are, no matter how much you think I can’t understand what is happening to you”. Jeno kisses his forehead “That’s what I wanted to say, and why I brought your father up”.

And Jaemin, for the first time since he was fourteen and fought badly with Renjun, cries. Liberating sobs, strong and loud muffled by Jeno’s chest, turning into a chuckle because this is something building up inside him for years, and ugly is being breathless with sobs – but he feels weightless. Laughing at the ugly sight of his stuffy nose and wet when Jeno lends him a tissue, taking deep breaths and knocking out until later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here we are, chapter 2
> 
> i went a little crazy with the length for this one, i'm sorry but the story is bulky and there's a lot to unpack slowly without creating misunderstandings for the future chapters. 
> 
> this one is mainly dedicated to jaemin and jeno's relationship growing and shaping, i had a lot of fun portraying them more in depth in here... if you want to you can always share your thoughts here in the comments, i'm curious to know what they are :) see you in the next chapter!
> 
> you can also find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jen26do) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


	3. standing up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if jaemin looks better, he's able to uncover what was already under his nose.

Jaemin wakes up to goosebumps and Jeno’s fingers caressing his arm slumped on his body. The sun is beaming outside, it must be already too late to be opening his eyes now. He makes a noise, voice hoarse and feels the burn of his eyelashes closing shut. The bed is too comfortable to move, and he winces once he tries to sit, giving up and crashing back to the mattress, sinking with the fluffy sheets.

He hears a low choppy chuckle next to him, smiles when it sounds so pretty and exactly what he needs to smile as well after waking up.

“Morning”. Jeno whispers, grabbing Jaemin’s leg and threads it between his, leaning in before Jaemin puts his palm at the boy’s mouth, shaking his head.

“I’m sure my breath smells”. 

“I don’t care, it’s just a peck”.

“No”.

“Please?”. Shit. How can Jaemin resist puppy eyes right when he’s still half unconscious and likes the boy’s warm body a little too much to say no. Fairly, Jaemin would still give in even if he asks in a few hours, awake and back to reality. Jeno pecks him, but the drag of his lips shapes busier, tries to deepen the kiss.

“You said a peck”. Jaemin’s hand feels Jeno’s firm muscles of his lean stomach when he starts hovering him, bare and contracting under his touch. “Liar”.

His eyes are hurting, sleep turns them heavy and weak with the migraine caused by the lack of rest and alcohol consumed recently, his stomach a survivor of all Jaemin puts it through. Jeno’s muscles are addicting, and Jaemin takes his time to trace fingers everywhere, meeting firm skin at his biceps, smooth chest and maybe his lips linger around his nipples, slightly nipping there and enjoying how easily Jeno reacts, exhaling sweet sighs.

They do nothing much, not even when he’s kissing his lower stomach where the waistband of Jeno’s boxer is, lazily peppering kisses and biting more marks. Their bodies are a war zone of purplish and fading green spots and it’s all for how Jeno’s skin is so soft, no hair in sight where the boy waxes everything literally everywhere he’s put his hands on, enjoying nestling between his legs, one arm circling around his thigh. 

Jeno raises an eyebrow at him, doing nothing to resist him, spreading his leg anyway. He knows. His mother is most likely already awake and in the house, catching them ditching school if they leave the room. Maybe they should also talk more quietly, or she already saw Jeno home before and he’s not aware of it. He playfully bites his inner thigh, comes back up to hug him and steal some of the duvet, it’s cold.

“How are you?”. Asks Jeno, hands threading in his mussy hair, probably looking a complete mess, nothing he can fix on the spot to seem more decent. He likes the intimacy, of being barely awake and not too attractive when Jeno seems so willing to have him close. He leans to graze their noses together.

“Better now, thank you”.

“Would you like to get breakfast?”. Jeno’s cheek grows in a hidden smile “That entails meeting your teacher. I’m hungry, please say yes”.

“I don’t think she’d be too happy to see what we look like”. Jaemin teases, actually a bit nervous to face Mrs Lee in another occasion completely different from being one her students listening to her talk from the desk and taking notes or finding him as a classmate casually doing homework at Jeno’s house. Meeting Mrs Lee means letting her see what they are together.

“Not if we tell her we’re dating”. 

“Do you want to? Because I’d like to openly say it”.

Jeno’s eyes are dazzling, this time smiling happily and kisses him, tongue darting out and Jaemin can stop minding about morning breath if the boy melts like this in his arms. Lazily making out, feeling his muscles building under his hands to steady on top of Jaemin, low and soft moans at their bodies moving close. Jaemin’s hands sneak under Jeno’s boxers just to touch his skin, no other intention but to reach whenever he can, because he likes having all of him and touch.

And it’s soft the skin he finds there, sinking under his digits, Jeno’s mouth open for Jaemin to lick inside. It’s probably a compromising kiss and sight for a morning barely started, and his own noisy exhaling steam air back at his own cupid’s bow, nails scratching Jeno’s hips when he rocks his body taken by their driven state.

“What do you want me to call you if my mother asks? She will, I never bring boys home”. Jeno says quietly, both calming down and he is still trailing lips all over Jaemin’s face, who combs Jeno’s air finding the smell of hairspray still hugging his black strands.

“Is it too rushed if I want you to say boyfriend?”. Jaemin’s heart jumps erratic, stomach churning.

“Most definitely. But you’re lucky, I think boyfriend sounds very nice”. Jeno chuckles, and Jaemin does too, lost in their small bubble of happiness nobody can take for them in this room, craning his neck to catch his lips again.

“We’re so gross”. Jokes Jaemin, grimacing at their enamoured hold, not even doing anything to take Jeno off him, hands still trapped in his hair.

Jeno lends him a hoodie and comfortable clothes, intertwining their hands when they climb down the stairs, a reassuring and pretty smile seeing Jaemin nervous. He really doesn’t know why, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. If your son is a student sometimes it can happen that they end up dating someone from their same school and that someone is also your student because you’re a teacher, right?. Jaemin thinks it’s not really about Jeno’s mother, he’s nervous – and excited, introducing himself to a woman that will most likely accept them for being together.

And when she looks up from a cup of tea tilting her head with a face reading surprise, Jaemin wonders if maybe she has some kind of unspoken grudge for him he doesn’t know about yet, or she actually doesn’t even like Jaemin that much. He’s been distracted during her recent classes and the object of his distractions is now squeezing his hand, noticing Jaemin is not moving a muscle.

“Good morning”. Jaemin says flustered after Jeno does, looking at him for help when he moves a chair for him to sit at the kitchen’s table. The woman looks relaxed, hair down when they’re usually up, still radiating beauty without makeup and a kind smile his way, hands cupped around her mug, white cardigan looking soft hugging her thin frame.

He feels nauseous, back straight and hands shaking in his lap, until Jeno puts one on top of his. He gets reminded of how they must look, the glance he took of himself before at the mirror not too encouraging, answers written all over their faces. He also was about to panic for all the bites around his neck he can’t hide, tried to fix his hair but there’s blonde pointing in every direction, eyes filled with nervous sleep and youthful, so very imperfectly youthful and fallen for the boy next to him.

“Jaemin Na?”. She turns to Jeno, smiling sweetly at both of them before turning the attention to her son. “I see Jen, you really like the handsome and brilliant ones”.

Jaemin’s cheeks are on fire, flushing and absently blinking to the woman, taking a deep breath, glancing down at the purple ceramic of her cup of tea.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, I fell asleep with Jeno after the party yesterday and we just woke up”.

“It’s okay, darling”. She chuckles, moves a hand dismissively and stands up to the stove. “Coffee or tea?”.

Jaemin eventually calms down, fingers playing with the rim of his coffee mug, recalling to the woman Chenle’s proposal they celebrated, well, at least their guests kept celebrating because Jaemin asked to leave. Mrs Lee seems very amazed about every detail, and she also tells Jaemin he didn’t have to buy the suit for Jeno, to at least let them pay for it. Jaemin shakes his head raising his shoulders sheepishly, tip of his ears red and looks fondly at Jeno.

“It’s a gift, I really don’t mind”. He hesitates, Jeno’s gaze lovely and heavy on him, bites his lower lip. “He looks very handsome with it”.

Jeno’s mother covers her mouth in a small laugh, Jeno blushing and nudging at his shoulder before grabbing Jaemin’s hand and intertwining their fingers again, this time up to the table where Mrs Lee can see, glancing down at their clasped and sweaty hands. 

Jaemin swallows down his hammering heart, mouth slightly agape when he looks at Jeno, unconsciously soothing the back of it with his fingers, calming him from completely losing it. That has the woman smiling, giving him a bright one and turns to Jeno clearing his throat to catch her attention.

“Mom”. He says, a little nervous himself with his stumbling voice, Jeno is basically trembling in his hand. “Jaemin and I are dating. We’re boyfriends”.

Mrs Lee nods, stretches her arms on the table with her palms up, encouraging them to hold her hands. She swings them briefly, leans in Jaemin’s direction and the way her face grows in a smile is identical to Jeno, holding that same gentleness at the end of her closing eyes.

“I’m your teacher, but I’m also a mother”. She says, hand warm and slightly rough at her palms, where work and years accumulate and it’s still pleasing to keep in his, hand cream smell falling on his own. “Jaemin, you’re more than welcome here. I’m proud of you guys for telling me, and you can trust me, okay?”.

Is too late when Jaemin realizes his eyes are wet, emotional. He feels accepted, an immense weight getting off his chest, hand shaking in his boyfriend’s and in the woman’s holds they both notice. He swallows down loudly the lump in his throat, only nodding not trusting his voice right now, bottom lip quivering.

“Treat my Jeno well, yeah?”. Her voice sounds touched as well, pinching his cheek lovingly when a tear eventually falls down his cheek, her getting up whispering a “Come here”. He immediately falls in her hold, motherly, and so important she offers it to him. Jaemin starts sniffling when Jeno gets up to hug him from behind, sandwiched between them.

“Thank you”. Jaemin says, voice broken and sincere when he pulls from her hug. “And all I care is to make Jeno happy”.

Jeno is still circling hands around his middle from behind and lingers a kiss at his cheek as soon as he can, right in front of the woman. He thought it would be weird but he feels at ease, body swinging briefly with Jeno’s. She ruffles her son’s hair, getting back at the kitchen table and the laptop open next to her seat.

He turns into Jeno’s arms, slightly embarrassed when the boy slides his tears away with his thumbs, pressing their foreheads together.

“Eat something, you are so nervous I never seen you like this”. Jeno whispers but it’s loud enough for the woman to send them a funny glare, Jaemin holding back a laugh. His body is still shaking, happy and relieved but he knows he won’t calm down, stomach twisting in everything pleasing. He plays with the threads of Jeno’s hoodie, eventually walking back to the table.

“I know Jaemin’s attendance is usually impeccable. I’ll close one eye for today, but you know we have a class together in about”. She checks the screen of her laptop. “Three hours”.

Jaemin presses his lips, busted and eyebrows frowning. “I’m sorry Mrs Lee”.

“When we’re not at school you can call me Minsuh”. She winks at him, Jeno snickers and almost chokes on his tea at the sight.

“I promise you we’re going to study once we wake up properly”. Jaemin gives him one of his witty smiles, trying to scroll off that very emotional state he’s in. “Minsuh”.

“That’s the spirit”. She snaps and points her finger his way, and Jeno is boiling with cringing complaints, telling her to stop. Jaemin laughs, pushing him playfully.

They head back to Jeno’s bedroom after breakfast, Jaemin giddy and pulls him into a kiss as soon as he closes the door, Minsuh on her own getting ready for school. Jeno circles his arms around Jaemin’s neck, opens his mouth for his tongue to kiss, already practiced with the way they move in each other’s space. It’s kind of addicting getting to know someone how he does with Jeno, with so much freedom and hands grabbing his hips. 

Jeno’s breath is fatigued, Jaemin stealing it with kisses after climbing up the stairs, not able to catch it up when they’re too busy and still not tired to twirl tongues together, biting Jaemin’s bottom lip and his hips buckling up.

“You’re seriously my boyfriend now, right?”.

Jaemin stares at him, nods incredulously, kissing Jeno’s jaw. “Of course baby”.

Jeno is a bit impatient, rocking their clothed bodies together and he grips the hem of Jaemin’s shirt to take it off. He backs up looking at him, shaking his head with mirth.

“There’s your mother in the other room”. 

“You didn’t care last night”. Jeno tongue wets his neck before biting languidly. Jaemin sighs and throws his head back to the white door. It takes a lot of internal strength to slightly push Jeno at a safe distance, wide eyed and a bit in love with how red and glossy the boy’s lips are, gazes almost feline up and down his body. Jaemin feels wanted, euphoric with how nice everything feels today.

“She’s leaving soon. Be patient, beautiful”. 

“I like seeing you happy”. Jeno blurts out, Jaemin’s smile gooey, picking the boy up until he circles both legs and arms around him so he won't fall, walking over the desk where he presses his thighs and Jeno’s back caged at the wall keeping both of them steady.

“Mh, like our first time”. Jokes Jeno, mocking the messy way he was bouncing up and down with Jaemin inside him when they did it at Jisung’s party. Jaemin is almost scandalized, if it isn’t for the funny atmosphere and the way Jeno is enjoying this too much, the reenactment creates a friction they both like, him closing his eyes when Jaemin presses him to the desk.

“Jeno why are you like this”. Jaemin chuckles between a whine, chest shaking so much because it turns into a full blown laugh and Jeno raises his eyebrows looking down between them, hand boldly palming Jaemin’s covered crotch.

“I can’t believe you got hard for this, Jaemin!”.

“Quiet!”. Jaemin says loudly and alarmed, mentioning with his head in the door’s direction, hands still on Jeno’s inner thighs opening his legs so he can settle in between. “I won’t be able to look at your mother’s eyes ever again if she heard you”.

“I’m pretty sure she knows we do it, look at your neck”.

“Maybe you should look at yours”.

“Yeah I look hot with all these hickeys, and what about it?”.

“You do but no need to brag here, this isn’t a competition sir we’re supposed to do teamwork here”.

Jeno takes his hands, slides them further up his crotch and Jaemin leans in smiling, noses touching. “How about you start with-”.

“Guys I’m leaving!”. Screams Minsuh, and they hear her laughing until there’s the sound of the door closing and Jaemin despite being red can’t help but laugh too, shutting eyes and cringing in a strong grimace, falling quiet for a moment, taking in how stupid they must sound.

“You were saying?”. He glances up again to bite Jeno’s lips, kisses him on the cheek and the boy softens, flutters his eyelashes fanning his reddened cheeks, still looking extremely comfortable around him and that makes Jaemin bubbly. It seems a lifetime ago staring at Jeno’s awkwardly standing in front of him out of Jisung’s house, almost refusing his lift home.

“We should take this to the shower”.

Jaemin snaps his tongue in agreement, picking up Jeno back in his arms. “Sounds good”. He spins them around, head inspecting the corridor outside and Jeno’s nose hides in his cheek, laughing. “Where’s the bathroom?”.

Jaemin knows it’s risky. But he came to school earlier, doesn’t have the first two hours of classes because their teacher is sick at home so curiosity takes the best of him, taking out of his bag the printed letters, threading them between the pages of his book. He’s been wanting to check the dates, and according to the least recent they have from the stack in Mr Park’s drawer the first one belongs to June. 

In June, when there were voices one of Mr Park’s projects failed, secrecy behind it but Jaemin back then casually heard it from his father, not caring much. He doesn’t remember much. It makes the most sense, really. In June their collaboration failed, probably Lia’s father still has something Mr Park needs so he went to her as an alternative – probably a desperate attempt to get it.

Jaemin’s eyebrows knot where his fingers slide on top of another paper, the date looking weird. There’s an extra number on the date, probably a typo if she typed the letters on a computer but how can it be if she was writing by hand? You can mix letters, maybe distractedly write another year, definitely not stick a casual number in between. Jaemin starts reading the letters again, finds another number embedded between words, where it shouldn’t be. That’s a hidden code, what could she possibly be giving him? Jaemin doesn't have the time to inspect all the letters because he hears a rather impatient voice screaming, low and padded like Jisung’s one. He shoves everything in his backpack, walks where the chaos is.

Jisung has his hand up, closed in a fist and eyes slightly trembling despite the guy caging him at the lockers is significantly centimeters shorter, brown hair and cocky smile forcefully taking Jisung by his wrist. It’s his left one, where he is wearing Chenle’s promise in his ring finger, jaw scraped with blood and already starting to bruise.

“It was already sickening seeing you faggots together, now you have the courage to show up with this?”.

Jisung closes his fist tighter, tries to pull his arm back and screams a “Stop it!”. He’s crying.

“Oh, now your little husband is not around you act like such a girl, don’t you? You’re disgusting, I bet you like it when he fucks you in the ass”.

“Oh, imagine being so frustrated about your own sexuality you need to harass others”. Jaemin walks in, not able to sound calm and moves closer to Noah, one of the seniors he knows from the swimming team. He never liked that asshole, now has a proper reason to.

“This is none of your business, Na”.

“It fucking is!”. He finally pushes the boy off Jisung, and pushes him against the locker, the sound it makes strongly of metal shaking under the sudden slam. “You don’t go around and speak slurs to people, fucking idiot”.

He briefly turns to Jisung, a careful look asking if he’s okay. Jisung takes a few steps back, eyes watery and barely nods, hand clutching at his left one protecting his ring. Jaemin’s heart constricts seeing the younger boy this scared.

“What? Did you become a gay too Jaemin”.

“You’d love to suck my dick if I let you”. Jaemin considers spitting on the other’s face crumbling, slams him again from his collar, keeping him in place. “You have two options, darling. You leave and let Jisung alone, which is convenient”. He gives him a dirty look, the boy’s shirt wrinkling under his fist. “Or you know damn well this school has zero tollerance for bullying, and drug use. And oh, dear Noah, I do know exactly where to put my hands to bring the headteacher all the shit you sell in here”.

Noah stares at him, frees from his hold where Jaemin has loosened it, he knows it’s done. 

“Fine”. He turns to Jisung, eyes angry when he starts walking away.

“Remember, baby”. Jaemin’s voice sounds harsh, venom dripping from his honey tone supposedly there to mock the boy. “It doesn’t make you manly throwing punches around, learn some fucking manners. Wishing you the worst day”.

Jaemin immediately turns to Jisung, noticing the way he flinches when he comes closer. He sighs, bending down where the younger slides to the floor. Jisung’s breathing is uneven, hands trembling and the way he’s curling on himself makes Jaemin press his lips worried.

“Did he do something else while I wasn’t here?”. 

Jisung shakes his head, finger reaching where his jaw is bleeding, wincing in pain. Jaemin nods, opens his hands for Jisung to take and get up, tries to give him a hopefully reassuring smile. He’s shaking so much, quiet and doesn’t dare to say anything.

“Okay”. Jaemin smooths down the boy’s messy collar of his shirt. “Let’s go grab ice for your face. We can get that asshole expelled if you want to but I’m sure he won’t touch you anymore”.

When they reach the school’s medbay Jaemin lies for Jisung who still looks petrified. He was running and the corridor's floor was slippery and he got hurt. Their school nurse lends him ice and a patch, letting them take place at one of the beds saying Jisung feels a bit dizzy with the hit and needs to rest. Jaemin doesn’t really know why he does it, but he can feel Jisung’s pain.

It’s not about the cut bleeding and him hissing air when Jaemin pats it to disinfect it. He feels hurt and discouraged, seeing how much violence can be for simply loving someone. These are things that could also happen to Jaemin if he came out. You see, he’s emotionally used to rescue himself at all times, growing thick environments his personality allows to and doesn’t really care if it’s one of the useless mean souls of his school talking shit about him. But Jisung, he knows how emotional and insecure he is, always worrying and stressing about everyone’s opinions. Somehow he’s happy Chenle is the one to be with him, the orange haired boy follows the same path as Jaemin. 

“You’re brave, Jisung. Braver than all those cowards and their ill words behind your back. Notice how they only get close to you when you’re alone. They’re the weak ones, they’re wrong. There’s nothing sickening with you, please keep it in mind”.

“Thank you”. Jisung looks down, moves his ring and it dazzles under the pale lights of the room, Jaemin following his gaze to it. “He always said these things to me, I never told Chenle because he gets very angry and I could manage it alone. But after he gave me the ring it got worse. I wonder if it was a good idea accepting so soon when we still have at least three years of school left before thinking of moving together or taking next steps”.

“It’s beautiful, and you looked very happy when Chenle proposed, those are your real and raw feelings Jisung. If you’re sure about what you have with him when it’s you two alone, you already did a big part of it”. Jaemin smiles, squeezes and briefly swings their hands together, looking up at Jisung. “You two are good for each other, don’t doubt your relationship for a bunch of idiots who know nothing about you”.

“Why are you so kind to me?”. Jisung whispers, still scared and Jaemin wants to hug him. He looks so tall, handsome and sweet with his pink hair and he’s very playful and smart around his friends. It hurts to see him so caught up in his head when he’s so young.

“Because it costs nothing to be a decent person and let others be happy”. Jaemin finally sticks the patch to Jisung’s jaw. “Because I get you more than what you think”.

Jisung pouts, looking nervous and as if he’s choosing his words. “Jaemin, sorry if I ask, are you and Jeno dating?”. 

Jaemin frowns. “Did Chenle tell you?”.

“No”. Jisung makes a shy smile, sitting more comfortably with his shoulders slumping. “I think I saw you kissing him at our party, and Jeno would never do that with anyone if it’s not someone special”.

“Are you and Jeno friends?”. Jaemin smiles, he didn’t know this one.

Jisung shakes his head, and finally gets up. “Not really. He’s been swinging by the dance club recently, and Donghyuck introduced him to everyone. I just think he’s nice, and people talk about how he is impossible to win over. Guess you found the weak spot”.

Jaemin chuckles, rests his hand at the younger’s shoulder when they get out of the room, slow steps and he still has time before his next classes anyway. “That I don’t know. And Jeno is not to win over, he just needed someone to accept him when he opens up. Guess I needed that myself. Being closed and hiding sucks, but I can’t find a reason to not try and be with him”.

“Can I wave at you if we meet each other in the corridors?”. Jisung suddenly asks, and Jaemin smiles amazed, nudging at his shoulder.

“Of course you can, you don’t need permission. Ah, you’re adorable”.

Renjun is showing him a mock test he obviously failed, trying to find excuses and save up red marks defensively saying he did nothing wrong. Jaemin rolls his eyes, starting their little banter made of him telling Renjun there’s nothing wrong to fail for once and the shorter boy never admitting his academic mistakes and twirling around his words. If Renjun doesn’t directly answer a simple yes or no question, it means whatever he did is not going how he planned.

They’re walking out of school, and honestly Jaemin is tired but he promised Renjun they’ll study together and help him make it to the actual test without failing, after a long verbal fight for the other’s pride. 

“Na”. He turns to find Chenle, probably running after them and his chest inflates rushed a few times. “Can I have a word with you? Possibly alone”.

Renjun raises his hands, and points to his car and the Huang’s driver patiently waiting in the lacquered black short limousine. “I’ll wait”. Of course he knows there’s something serious going on between them, and Jaemin is grateful he asks nothing.

Albeit this time, Chenle’s eyes turn kind once they’re alone, fumbling a bit with his hands. “I actually just wanted to thank you, Jisung told me what you did”.

Oh, this one’s new. “It’s nothing, how is he? Remind him to change the patch”. Jaemin says, a little awkward and waiting for Chenle looking like he’s about to speak again.

“Good, he kind of thinks you’re his hero or something now”. 

Jaemin holds back a grin, twitching his eyebrows a little, clearing his throat. It’s quite funny, Chenle looks bare of his usual threatening looks and sounding a lot like he’s about to apologize.

“I know we started off on the wrong foot and-”.

“You, started wrong”. Jaemin interrupts him, gesturing to continue not before a huff from Chenle.

“Yeah, fine. Thank you, for protecting him. Jisung means a lot to me and whoever stands up for him is also standing up for me”.

“Good. Are you going to stop threatening me and Jeno now?”.

“I wasn’t going to do anything, if you want me to be honest”. Chenle threads a hand in his orange hair, more fading into a dark yellowish color and Jaemin can see dark roots growing back. “It’s shit outing someone, I just said it to find an excuse to shut you up”.

“How kind of you”. Jaemin’s answers are sarcastics, but he sees Chenle is sincere with this. There’s no one else that could understand that fear better than him. “Okay, I think that’s all, right? Say hi to Jisung, and congrats on your proposal”.

“Bye Jaemin”.

“Mh, I guess we’re on name basis now, what an upgrade”. Jaemin winks at him, a mirthful smile before he turns and gets in Renjun’s car. This is something he can share, forgetting the riot Renjun can get in his words when he hears or sees these kinds of episodes at school.

He spends the evening at Renjun’s place, and being with his best friend has him complaining about missing Jeno, who started tutoring younger students recently and as great as it sounds when he recently said he needed extra money, now he doesn’t see him as much. He joked with him on the phone saying he’d gladly have Jeno as his sugar baby so they can gather some time together instead of working. Jeno with the same humour told him he’s not old enough to be one and his attempt – which was more serious than said, failed. Jaemin has a lot of money he doesn’t even know what to do with anyway, he wouldn’t mind giving them to Jeno. He presses his forehead to the table, and a book page sticks to his skin.

His phone rings, and that’s how he gets up from that slumber and Renjun is sipping orange juice instead of studying. They suck, and if Jaemin doesn’t fix his sleeping schedule he will fail school for sure.

From: Donghyuck

hey bastard  
when you’re done sucking Jeno’s face  
there’s a party at mine on saturday  
aaaa big one

“Did you know Donghyuck is throwing a party?”. Jaemin glances up, Renjun nodding and shrugging his shoulders. Weird.

“Mh we talked yesterday and mentioned it”.

“Oh so you talk? I thought you were keeping the whole acting like strangers recital, especially after that night at Mark’s”.

“It can’t work between us, okay?”. Renjun says out of patience, fingers digging in his temples. “That doesn’t mean I like him any less”.

“Then why do you lose your time with Yukhei? The guy’s hot, I get it, but you were in the same space and you could have spent the night with Donghyuck instead of him”.

Renjun makes a sad smile, eyes fogged with something Jaemin doesn’t know. “I have to start somewhere to forget him and see him as a friend. I’m still going to the party. Yukhei is there and he’s nice. Also, I know you and Jeno will disappear to make out or something, even when you have good intentions only”.

“If you want to talk to me about it one day, I’m here”. Jaemin says instead, avoiding the change of topic. Renjun is not a stranger, and Jaemin is not someone he can verbally move into conversation as he pleases, the other is good at that.

“I know, Jaem”. Renjun finishes the juice in his glass, smacks his lips together in a sound. “Now help me study, I don’t understand shit”.

Jaemin chuckles, types quickly a reply to Donghyuck and the boy texts him back as fast, and he’s very interested to see the answer. 

They eventually end up studying for a bunch of hours and get a part of the work done, headache persistently growing and they take a small break where Jaemin sits at the high stools of the kitchen island, light marble and one of the cleaning ladies gives him a medicine. He says his thanks, chugging down the bitter taste and all he has to do is wait, patiently holding his cheek in the palm of his hand. 

Renjun gets closer to where he is, hands at his shoulders removing them from time to time busy with his phone. He pats there, catching Jaemin’s attention.

“Wanna do something with Mark? He just texted me”.

“Something like what?”.

“Smoking maybe? I don’t know what he’s up to. Ask Jeno if he’s free, you look miserable”. 

Renjun is obviously kidding but Jaemin really misses the black haired boy. His body still tingles with how happy he’s been at Jeno’s house, and that peaceful day was enough to get him through the week. He just had the time to share some easy kisses during breaks at school and mostly talking about their day on the phone before sleeping, both too tired to keep the conversation going for long. Also Minsuh always gives him a kind smile when he walks in her class, and suddenly he remembers Renjun knows nothing about it.

“Jeno and I came out to his mother”. 

Renjun turns, stumped and his phone dings with another text. 

“Seriously? How did she take it, must be weird finding one of your top students in your son’s bed”.

“Shut up”. Jaemin pushes him, and Renjun grins and leans at the fridge, brown hair growing more into a mullet and messily spreading to the furniture with his head pressed there.

“I suppose it went well. Does Mark know? I think you’re safe with him, it’s a small gathering anyway. You can smooch all the time you want”.

“It did. And no, shit, I need to tell you this one”. Jaemin laughs, and retells how Mark thought they were strangers and Donghyuck literally introduced them while Renjun was making out with Yukhei. The boy starts laughing so much when he gets to the shared bed part he almost cries, clutching at his stomach and breathes with hiccups, knees bending as he always does. Jaemin doesn’t even think it’s that hilarious, but he shares he can’t wait to see Mark’s face if Jeno textes him back and is free to hang out with them.

Turns out Jeno was already at Mark’s place, roped by Donghyuck who found him wandering in the library after he finished tutoring a first year student. Is priceless the face Mark makes when Jaemin confidently kisses Jeno, it really is a small gathering. Usually his small gatherings are everything but small, and Mark enjoys the pain of having a whole apartment to clean by himself. He never bothers calling and paying someone to do it for him which makes him crazy. Jaemin has seen the state of his apartment after a party and looking at how clean it looks as he enters he feels bad for the possible consequences.

He can tell Jeno missed him too, and he’s reminded they're not alone by Renjun clearing his throat scolding. Jeno doesn't care, presses one last peck to his cheek and narrows his eyes Renjun’s way.

“Bummer, I never see him”.

“Did you get together at my party or something?”. Mark says confused, eyes blinking slowly and joint in hand, hidden in fading a cloud of smoke. He’s gone, the rim of his eyes red and lips glossy. Jaemin pinches his cheek to kid, arm around his shoulders.

Donghyuck starts explaining for Jaemin who finally takes place on the couch and has Jeno boldly sitting on his lap, arms latched around the boy’s slim waist. He can't help but pepper his neck, eyes fluttering shut with how tired he is. He likes to have his body weight on him, thighs pressed on top of him and Jeno always smells good, tip of his nose rubbing to the good shampoo fragrance in his hair.

“So you're telling me I was feeling bad for making you two sleep together when you probably fucked in my guest room”.

Jeno laughs, stretching an arm to slap Mark’s butt. “We would never, I swear we did nothing in there”.

Mark puckers his lips cutely, glancing properly at the couple. “Mh okay, you look good together”. He gives the joint to Jeno who’s having the time of his life sharing sly looks with the boys. “Enjoy”.

Jeno keeps the burning joint in hand, until Jaemin steals it by the filter and takes a drag, tapping Jeno’s cheek so he can open his mouth and exhale. His tongue drags out to wet Jeno’s lips, setting a slow pace to their kisses, lazy and almost on the brink of sleep. The heated space of Mark’s living room is drowsy, and the dark circles under his eyes speak more than his slow movements.

“You should sleep more”. Mumbles Jeno to his lips “Maybe we could take the weekend off and laze in my room, you like that?”.

Jaemin’s hand goes under Jeno’s shirt, just to stroke his warm skin there. Renjun is right; all good intentions but they end up attached like this. He glances over where Jisung and Chenle just joined the little gathering, Mark screaming his congratulations to the couple, holding his hand to see the ring. It’s funny because sober Mark is the exact opposite, still fun and chill but would never enjoy as much as he’s doing right now stealing people into conversation with that same enthusiasm.

“I’d love that”. Jaemin takes a deep breath to the spot of Jeno's neck where his cologne lingers stronger, moving to his ear and whispers. “But we have plans. I’m sure Donghyuck already mentioned a party at his place”.

Jeno is drawing patterns to his scalp with fingers threading in his hair, looking at him seriously. “You think we’ll find something there”.

“A big party where everyone is busy and Lia is out for the second year’s school trip? Couldn't get any better and easier for us”.

“What do you have in my mind”. Jeno whispers slowly, almost imperceptible if he isn't so close.

“The letters we have, I noticed they hold another message-”.

“Sh”. Jeno starts a sudden hungry kiss, and Jaemin is a bit startled until he simply moves his palms tracing his spine, Jeno shivering with it. 

“Is this how you are when you're not hiding? Jesus”.

Jaemin opens his eyes spotting Chenle, and now he gets it. Smart and careful Jeno. He shares a brief look with him and he winks, finding that extremely attractive. Winking his life away is Jaemin’s personal trait, and seeing Jeno do the same is addictive.

“Hi Chenle, where's Jisung. At least he's not as lame as you are”. Jaemin neck cranes to look over, spotting pinkish hair and blushed cheeks, waving happily at the boy.

He gets up, genuinely content to see him and they walk to the kitchen together. Jaemin pours soda in two glasses, honestly tired of alcohol and Jisung politely accepts, mildly bowing and resting his back to the stove space. He’s so formal for no reason and Jaemin tells him a few times it’s fine to loosen up. They take a few sips silently, he’s only taken two drags of weed yet he already feels lighter, thinks he would gladly sleep a few hours and maybe Mark’s guest room sounds tempting, headache finally gone.

“So...”. Jisung breaths a shy laugh. “You and Jeno look nice”.

“We’re kind of corny to be honest, I guess it's how the first month of a relationship works, hm?”.

“If it makes you feel better Chenle used to push me away, he was scared while I was kind of the opposite when we started dating”. 

“Really? See, it takes a lot of courage not giving up when the person you like makes it hard”.

“I was always sure about us. I knew under all that fear Chenle wanted me too, so I found my way to share that conviction in him as well”. Jisung grins, moves his left hand’s fingers where his ring shines. “It worked just fine”.

Jaemin tries to follow everyone’s conversations mingling together, sitting at the couch and even has a friendly exchange with Chenle, all because Jisung took him really at heart after defending him and god, he is sweet. Jisung is such a nice boy, and Jaemin really feels bad for everything happening behind his back. He promises himself he’ll find answers, not only to end his continuous trail of thoughts. It is also for Jisung, who’s friends with Lia for intentions that most likely have nothing to do with a genuine friendship. He wants to protect him, Jaemin doesn’t know how but he’ll find a way.

They smoke some more and Mark even brings in edibles, pretty sure Donghyuck did them because they look too good to be the canadian’s handiwork. He gets on Jeno’s lap at one point, after standing up the whole time to gain some life talking with everyone and not fall asleep. Jeno pulls him there, and between a few talks he starts to get distracted more frequently only listening to them being loud teenagers, he falls asleep with his face smashed on Jeno’s chest. 

There’s a familiar fragrance hitting his nostrils and hands moving faintly to stroke his cheek, eyes turning white as he tries to open them, dim lights of Mark’s living room and laying on the couch in Jeno’s arms. He thinks they’re alone, it’s completely still the silence in the room so he shifts to kiss him, hand crawling until it finds silky black hair at his nape. He makes a pleased sound, Jeno’s body is a furnace and he’s kind of shivering cold.

Jeno’s breathing is soft and warm on his face, looking a lot more awake and cheeks pinking when he looks at Jaemin. “Slept well?”.

“I feel like shit”. Jaemin flows out a terribly hoarse voice, lips chapped when he tries to wet them and throat dry, clearing it a few times feeling like he’s swallowing needles. His headache is back and worse now he’s awake, groaning and pushing his forehead to Jeno’s chest in a useless attempt to soothe his head.

“Want to go home?”.

“I can give you guys a lift”. Jaemin raises up his head from his boyfriend’s chest, smiling incredibly wide and no matter how dizzy and almost stumbling on the floor he runs the short steps to embrace the older boy, feet up for a few seconds in a short spin.

“You fucker, when did you get here?”. Jaemin backs up to stare at Jaehyun, brown locks and sweet dimples marking his familiar smile. He missed that smile.

“An hour ago, Mark told me to come here because I tried calling you ten times and you weren’t answering”. Jaehyun gives him a sly look, looking over where Jeno is sitting back to the couch, now flushing. “But someone was busy, and high”.

Jaemin glares at Jaehyun before sending an apologetic look to Jeno, who’s fixing his sleep filled shirt. So his brother saw everything, has been here the whole time as he’s kissing him. Good, at least they have something to talk about and break the ice with after being away for almost an year.

“So? You’re not introducing me to your boyfriend?”.

“You’re fine with us”.

“Why wouldn’t I”. Jaehyun ruffles his hair, walking closer to where Jeno is, pointing at Jaemin. “You’re a saint for keeping up with him”.

Jaehyun is holding up just fine. Los Angeles is cool, has long walks at the beach between classes – which Jaemin finds amazing. He’s met an older student, Taeyong is his name, he shows pictures of them and the campus and tells them how he helped him get familiar with the place. They currently have a shared apartment because Jaehyun gave up living alone soon and wanted company. He joined a band, the boy always loved playing piano and Jaemin knows his singing is just as good as the years spent learning how to press on the keyboard skillfully. Jaehyun seems happier, free of those frowns and angered voice like it used to be before he left.

“You’re staying home these days?”.

“I’m with Johnny, if you want to come by”. Jaehyun gives him a look, and he’s sure his older brother is aware how he and Johnny were during the summer before meeting Jeno. “I’m coming over for lunch one of these days, say hi to mom… and dad”.

Jaemin fixes the boy’s flannel, nods a few times. “We won’t mind a lift, since you mentioned”.

Jeno clears his throat, a hand on his thigh out of habit and is already close enough their noses brush when he turns. “You can stay at mine”.

“Sure”. He pecks Jeno’s lips, notices Jaehyun's proud smile broken by a funny wiggling of his eyebrows. He’s sure his brother is happy to know Jaemin found a stable presence in his life, it was no secret he used to sleep around most nights, maybe most of the school still believes that.

“They don’t know about you, right?”. He asks, and there’s a delicacy in that question Jaemin appreciates. He sighs, there’s not really need to explain when Jaehyun has a fair share of references.

“Things are shit since you’re gone”. Jaemin gets up, sneaks arm around Jeno and one around his brother. “Luckily you’re here, even if it’s for two weeks only”.

Jeno gets in the house first, by Jaemin’s gentle request when he stays in the car with the older. The way he’s staring at the car key hanging is void, finding courage to even gather his thoughts. He looks up to Jaehyun. Warm brown hair, probably lightened more by the sun, skin tanner than ever when he’s always on the paler side. The family necklace he still wears, Jaemin has the same one. A trait that bonds them through distance, a family name none of them really recognize in. Maybe it once did, when they were younger.

“You know about dad’s business, don’t you?”. Jaemin scoffs, turns his head to the window. “That’s why you don’t want to stay home”.

Jaehyun holds his hand, warm and familiar, he’s the closest thing that still feels like family. But he’s also far from him, so how much it doesn’t matter how he makes him feel, he’s distant. “Come with me to Los Angeles, Nana. Once you graduate”.

Jaemin would love to. To escape, live another life that doesn’t quite taste like this one that’s slowly turning him to ash. More than a month ago he would have jumped on the first airplane and left without finishing his studies, without leaving a trace. He’s happy he didn’t, life kept someone for him to find soon after nights spent packing stuff and not going anywhere. Jaemin thinks of black silky hair, the moon hidden in a pair of eyes waiting for him to come home right now. 

“You can bring him with you if you want to”.

“This is not about me”. Jaemin presses his lips together. “I can’t have him following me around the world for a whim of mine. Jeno deserves his own choices, he’s so smart and kind there’s really nothing he can’t do. And it hurts, because I’d still let him go if I have to, I just wish we can be together for longer. I’m resisting because he’s here, and of course Renjun as well”.

“I never thought I’d see the day you fall in love with someone”.

“Love?”. Jaemin smiles, looks at his hands in his lap. “I have no idea of what it means. Things just feel right with Jeno, and I’m holding to that feeling”.

“Fine”. Jaehyun ruffles his hair, grimaces a bit. “You bleached too much, your ends are gone”.

“Did you also become a hairdresser in LA?”. Jaemin teases, escaping the older and opens the car door, limbs tired and boneless standing back on his feet. 

“I’ll see you around”. Jaehyun shows his dimples, smile stretching and dazzling in the night.

“You better”. 

Boisterous pop music playing loudly making people dance with vibrating chests to the bass is what Jaemin and Jeno find when they arrive at Donghyuck’s mansion. It’s a modern type of building, unlike more traditional houses like Jaemin’s, all open spaces, wide grey walls and a pool, glass windows anticipating the crowded bodies dancing.

Donghyuck tries to move in the chaos and approach them, giving up in the middle of it with his arm up holding a drink, rising shoulder apologetically and drinks down most of what he has in the cup, probably drunk when it drools over his chin. A very nice surprise is seeing Renjun coming to the rescue, holding the honey haired boy by his arm rolling his eyes. Donghyuck follows him and then Jaemin loses them in the pressed crowd. 

How Donghyuck managed to invite these many people is unknown, filling such a big space like the one of his house is demanding. Jaemin can barely move, holds Jeno’s hand afraid to lose him.

“We should enjoy the party for a while”. Says Jeno loudly in his ear, no one can hear them with music muffling everything. “We would look suspicious”.

“Donghyuck could think we disappeared to kiss or something”.

Jeno looks around, bites his lips and glances up with a very fond look at Jaemin, a few steps too close. He naturally holds his hips, looking over Jeno’s shoulder but no one is paying attention, no one cares when Taeil who’s choosing the music puts on the speaker one that has everyone scream. 

“Do we really care about what our school thinks to not kiss here?”.

Jaemin stares back. Ideally, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t because when there’s people he’s comfortable with he never holds back from having Jeno all over him, letting everyone he trusts know what he has with him is serious. Jaemin doesn’t feel sick or wrong for who he likes, but he’s scared. He’d love to kiss Jeno in front of everyone. There’s a part of him, an insistent one that holds him back, and he realizes his smile is turning sad.

He starts walking, and disappears behind a door where they won’t be disturbed. Donghyuck won’t mind if he sees them, he understands. When Jeno trails behind he hugs him, palms opening on his shoulder blades, sighing.

“I’m sorry. I would like to tell everyone we’re together but I can’t do that”. 

“What’s holding you back?”. Jeno asks. It sounds curious, sounds like another question. Open up to me – that’s what it means, because Jeno won’t ever force him to say anything Jaemin is not ready to share yet.

“I’m scared. My father won’t ever accept me, and I live in fear that someone might want to mess with me and tell my family if they see me together with someone. But now it’s different. I can’t trust them, I lost all the trust I had since Jaehyun has gone to college. And I care about you, Jeno”. Jaemin smiles at him, at least tries to. “I don’t care if they end up doing something extreme to what they think is fixing me but I don’t want them to touch you. And if we’re together I’m scared they would blame you. I’m so afraid if they find out they will shape me into someone I’m not”.

Jeno opens a palm to his chest, where his heart is, it’s pounding with his confession . “This is yours, Nana. No one but you can force you to change. You won’t change if it’s someone else doing it for you, you’d just bring walls and layers where underneath it all there’s still Jaemin. I really like the Jaemin that’s there at the bottom of everything you can build out of fear, or protection”. Jeno pecks him, fingers playing at the shell of his ear. “And it’s not the end of the world if we can’t kiss at a party, I just like to know where you stand. That’s why I want you to talk to me”.

“Can you stop being perfect?”. Jaemin wanted to sound more serious but that’s all he can say. “I really like you, so much, and if we were dating for a little longer I’d be sure there’s more to it”.

“I think we’re on the same page with that”. Jeno chuckles, keeps peppering Jaemin’s face with short presses of lips. “Sometimes I don’t know if I’m very clingy and feeling a lot because you’re my first boyfriend or if we’re actually already there''.

“Seems like none of us is ready to say it, maybe it’s still soon”.

“It’s okay, we have a lot of time for it”. Jeno clings to Jaemin, collects a fallen eyelash and blows on it. 

Jaemin turns, looks at stairs up to the second floor, where the bedrooms are. Jeno checks behind them as they push Lia's door open after getting in the wrong one, they recently moved and Jaemin is not too familiar with the rooms. Jaemin is immediately looking for that keychain when he enters the purple colored walls, and needs to make sure he really saw a flash drive in there.

“The letters”. Jaemin starts when he finds it, sitting at the girl’s desk and opens her laptop. “They’re not simple love letters. They have a code, or something I’m still trying to figure out. That’s what I was trying to tell you the other day”.

Jaemin’s confidence falters when the girl doesn’t have a password for her laptop. It’s too easy. Jeno is behind him, hands on his shoulders and they both look at the file opening once he inserts the light blue pen drive. Jaemin scrolls through a bunch of scanned documents, reading them quickly. He’s not sure how much time they have.

“What is Lia doing?”. Says Jeno, glancing down at Jaemin the same moment he looks up. They’re different papers. For a new house, mixed with Mr Park’s correspondences, saying she’s been a good girl and he’ll make sure to treat her well. Jaemin feels sick, swallowing down his disturbed breathing a few times. The letters mention on different occasions a building Mr Park is looking for, asks Lia often if she’s been there. Says she needs to take something important from there so she can leave with him.

“Take pictures of this”. 

“Are these college applications? She’s fourteen, and literally has all the money to be accepted anywhere she wants, why is she doing all of this?”.

“I don’t know Jeno, if we can figure those numbers out and understand what they mean maybe we have something. He’s looking for something Lia has”.

“This is getting bigger than us. What if she wants to run away? We can’t keep this for ourselves longer because if she leaves, it’s our fault”.

They move to get pictures of everything they need, until Jeno shuts the laptop for Jaemin and removes the keychain and pen drive back where it was. He has Jaemin up and closer by his hips, side profile beautifully illuminated with pale moonlight rays when he looks over the door, his birthmark under his eye in sight and soft dark hair falling behind his ears, parted in the middle.

“Kiss me”. He says eyeing him, back of his thighs pressing where the desk chair is.

“Baby I don’t think it’s the right time”. Jaemin widens his eyes when Jeno is fast to unzip his own jeans, grabs Jaemin’s hand to cup at his crotch.

“Ah, fuck Nana, keep going”. He fake moans, well, Jaemin recognizes it is fake when it’s too loud for Jeno, pushing hips against his hand and grabbing his nape to start a dirty kiss, immediately licking in his mouth. Jaemin is shocked, but goes along with whatever Jeno is doing, a bit stiff with the way he moves his mouth at first. 

“Kiss me like you want me”. He whispers a lot more quietly and makes another exaggerated moan of his name, guiding Jaemin’s hand in his underwear, this time hissing for real when Jaemin strokes him.

“I always want you”. Jaemin says genuinely, but his smile is teasing when Jeno starts making real pleased sounds, licking his mouth with his legs leaning more against the chair and the desk. “Whatever you’re doing, you seem to be enjoying this”.

Jeno presses his tongue against his bottom lip, head resting at Jaemin’s shoulder and looking where the door is now opened, gaping with breathy sounds as Jaemin keeps stroking him, hand circled around his shaft and moving despite not knowing exactly what is going on.

Jaemin feels Jeno hiding his head in his shoulder, whispering “I’m sorry I thought he was taking less time to arrive here” right before there’s some louder steps and a few curses with Donghyuck’s familiar nasal but sweet voice, now loud when he’s screaming at them. Jeno turns on his back pretending to be covering himself because he got caught, but really he’s just grimacing at Jaemin who understands now, and huffs a short laugh. 

Jeno heard Donghyuck before Jaemin could, had to find a quick and believable excuse for them being up in the Lee’s family rooms instead of dancing at the party. Again, very smart of Jeno. Not so convenient when they’re now both hard and facing a bewildered Donghyuck.

“Guys... fuck, guys!”. He stresses, voice loud enough to echo in the girl’s room. “Can’t you keep your hands in your pockets for another hour? Or at least use the bathrooms up here, not my sister’s room”.

Jeno puts a hand on top of his mouth shaping an innocent “Oh” sound, pretending to look around and bites his index finger. Jaemin is impressed, shocked and kind of wants to fuck Jeno right now because this side of him is utterly attractive. The apologetic face he makes is priceless. “Sorry Hyuck, I should have noticed the ballet shoes, this isn’t your room”.

“So you would have done it in my bedroom if you knew you were in mine?”. Donghyuck glances over Jaemin, probably asking if the boy is drunk or there’s no other explanation for Jeno to act like this. Jaemin might blurt out he loves him for all he’s witnessing tonight, he just raises his shoulders at their friend, amuse written all over his features.

“Yeah, you deserve it”. Jeno walks out of the room, tilts his head for Jaemin to follow. “The bathroom you said, hm?”.

“I’m not drunk enough for this”. Donghyuck moves a hand dismissively, leaving them alone getting back at the party quickly. When he’s gone and out of sight they both start laughing, Jaemin shaking with his own laughter and hides his face in the crook of Jeno’s neck.

“What was all you just did”. He glances up, Jeno gets back at kissing him, a bit impatient now and a lot needy. They stumble back to the bathroom, this time locking the door and no intention to fake it.

He thinks they’re really gone tonight, Jeno stripped off clothes quickly and gasps laying at the bathroom’s freezing floor, legs open for Jaemin. He goes for something different, straight up licking inside his hole and Jeno sighs, legs tensing around his head. They’re impossible, and they have so much to do, instead they’re in a bathroom at a party none of them cares about attending and losing time having sex.

“Nana, use your fingers. It’s nice, but I kind of want to ride you so, be quick”.

Jaemin gapes at Jeno when he looks up from where he was busy pleasuring Jeno, and the black haired boy chuckles, bringing him closer to his face. 

“So?”.

“What happened to my Jeno, the one who’s my boyfriend, who are you?”.

“Still Jeno”. He circles one leg around Jaemin. “I’m just very comfortable with you”.

Jaemin smiles, gives him a very sweet kiss breaking off for a moment of their horny thoughts and sounds. That doesn’t last long before Jeno takes his hand and pushes it where his rim is, Jaemin squeezing his eyes in a small laugh.

“You’re impatient tonight”.

“Yeah”. Jeno rolls them over straddling Jaemin and takes his dick to align it for himself and Jaemin takes his hands back in his worried eyes.

“Let me prep you, not like this”.

“Let me try, I’ll bottom myself at my own pace”. Jeno guides Jaemin’s hand around his ass, stretches him and he finds a way to push the tip inside him on his own. “You just have to keep me spread like this''.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, Jeno’s face does twist in pain probably burning more than he expected, and Jaemin kind of glares at him but the boy leans down to kiss him, biting skin at his neck when he’s halfway down, sinking teeth to move the pain somewhere else. 

When Jeno starts setting a pace and Jaemin closes his eyes, he’s dizzy and sees stars. Jeno is tight, mewling breathy sounds that make him go crazy, focusing on the quick snap of his hips and wet noises between their bodies. Jeno’s thighs shake, he’s tired and Jaemin can tell from how he slows down abruptly, shifting position and finishes them off setting a quick pace they both need tonight.

He’s got used to this, to this kind of closeness with Jeno. Jaemin loves to hear his fluttery heartbeat on his chest mixing with his own, the fatigued breath slowing down and how Jeno keeps moaning whenever they kiss after, liking to pull later than he’d do with anyone else, rocking a bit his lips when they’re both overstimulated. 

Jaemin likes to check every time with a light heart that Jeno is always fine, sighing and relaxing with him. If it’s in a bed or on a bathroom floor now sweating cold and humid it doesn’t matter. 

“Round two?”. Says Jeno against his chest, looking spent. “Kidding, I’m so tired”.

“I’ll clean you up. Then we can go home, we won’t even wake your mother”.

“Of course, she’s with the second year’s on that stupid sport trip nobody likes”.

“I forgot”. Jaemin laughs, guilty when he says “I actually loved it”.

Jaemin is putting his cold jeans back on, watching Jeno’s slim waist getting covered with a shirt again. He’s happy, knees wobbly and pink cheeks seeing his boyfriend limping around the room. Jeno looks disheveled with his mussy hair and littered jaw, wetting a towel to clean himself better where he’s still not wearing his underwear. The pit of his stomach gets warm knowing there’s no shame for them to do things that used to embarrass Jaemin in the past, even on the one night stands he had. He wants to help, staring at the boy’s perfect shapes until his phone buzzes with a message.

His heart drops, taking in a sharp breath. He scrolls to photos of the printed letters of Lia in his math book. Between books he left at Renjun’s place the other day.

From: Injunie

jaemin  
what the fuck are these?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo, this chapter still has some building relationships - ones are mending, like jaemin and chenle's one and jaehyun is back!!
> 
> i had fun writing this, jaemin and jeno are cool investigating boyfriends and i'm glad this story has now a space where jaemin feels accepted and can find safety with jeno and his mother. and yes, jeno's mother's name is totally made up so please don't come at me ;-; plus hopefully you're starting to get an idea of what is happening
> 
> sorry if there are some typos or more obvious mistakes, i have severe concentration problems (i space out a lot or start overthinking) and my house has been noisy recently, with the holidays and everything. i get easily distracted when i proofread because no matter how hard i try my mind focuses on my parents talking, or louder sounds falter my attention and it gives me very bad headaches. it's a struggle i can't do much with. i'll definitely read the chapters all over again when i'm alone with some peace and quiet. <3
> 
> thank you for reading this, as always, you can find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jen26do) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


	4. white dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where things started to unfold and complicate in another shape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:
> 
> If you didn't carefully I ask you again to check the tags of the story!   
> there's many triggering topics in here

Jaemin ignores Renjun’s call, for the fifth time. His chest has been hurting with stress, walking the perfectly clean path to the house. He puts on his best plastic smile after knocking at Donghyuck’s house door, of course, all out of courtesy, they have security at the gateway which is something Jaemin has never seen before. They already know he’s here.

Strange, but he can’t be bothered when Mrs. Lee is hugging him, chirping some good words about how handsome he is and she’s happy to see him. Jaemin should be in school, studying at the library when he has a few tests to pass, instead he’s here and trying to avoid Renjun storming him with overly expressive texts and ignored calls.

The house is impeccable, the recent party completely forgotten in the perfectly untouched glass windows and shiny floors. He smiles one last time, heads upstairs where Donghyuck should be in his room, stopping his steps as he’s climbing up the stairs when he hears voices arguing.

“I know he isn’t home most of the time you say you’re visiting, what are you doing with him Lia?”. 

It’s Donghyuck, voice angry and there’s a silent pause before he can hear anything else.

“Nothing! We’re doing a project together and it was a coincidence that Mr. Park was there, you know, he lives there too”.

Jaemin tries to be quiet, gets closer where the siblings’ voices get louder. 

“That’s bullshit and you should be careful, fuck, you know our fathers-”.

Jaemin sees Lia holding Donghyuck’s arm to stop him from talking, turns over where he is now facing both of them. 

“I’m sorry, is it a bad time? I’m only here to give you these”. He shows Donghyuck’s notes he gave him to study, though it was a perfect excuse to dig more and maybe pass by Lia’s room again with his fairly good acting skills. But Lia is back, almost making that damned keychain her arm extension, never leaving it unobserved once. She steps back from the firm grip at her brother’s arm.

“No, he’s all yours”.

She walks in her room, and Jaemin is no fool to hear she purposely slams the door louder. And he recognizes that face Donghyuck makes when he’s lying, stretched - I have everything under control - smile and roll of his eyes as he takes the stack of notes back.

“Teenagers, right?”.

“Yeah, seemed a little nervous”. Jaemin can play the same game well, he swims in one-man temperance movements since he was put in society and learned how to use his words. How to weigh them. “Sorry for eavesdropping, it really was unintentional. Is Lia familiar with Jisung’s father?”.

“She seems more like his daughter than my parents’ ”.

Jaemin swallows, lips sticking together, disturbed by Donghyuck’s words. He feels sick, always does since he found out, and he’s not sure how long he can hold everything inside. It was supposed to be only him and Jeno, now Renjun knows too and Donghyuck definitely is aware of something he doesn’t want to share with anyone. 

“Isn’t it strange? Her hanging out with that man when Jisung isn’t around?”.

Donghyuck shrugs his shoulders, moves closer to pat Jaemin’s back. “The day you’ll get what goes on in her mind let me know. I have to go, see you at school”.

“Bye”. Jaemin turns, disappointed and confused. Maybe Donghyuck knows something, has an inkling of the situation. But no, he wouldn’t accept the reality of it so calmly, there must be something else he’s angry about.

Jaemin stays for more, Donghyuck’s mother offering tea and meaningless chatter about school and their social links and the events for the week, there’s always something going on, to attend and dress up and impress and bond for business. Today the sky is particularly clear, so much and it’s getting colder, Jaemin looks at the flat water of the swimming pool. 

His brain is at the brink of crumbling, spending the whole night giving sense to all the numbers taken from the letters, moving them to create phone numbers, digit codes, all to nothing. He can’t find the key, or whatever they need to have a shred of helpful evidence.

Donghyuck’s mother lets him notice he looks tired, saying he should take some breaks from his studying for exams, he’ll pass for sure. Of course, Jaemin wants to scoff, everyone can pass in this school, dishonesty seen more than he sees his parents. Jaemin likes to earn, and by taking the effort to actually study on top of everything instead of investing some good money to their school and have it the easy way it’s not making it any easier.

He hears Lia climbing down the stairs, hair up for ballet and eyebrows furrowing when she looks outside. This time she smiles at Jaemin, it’s rare to see her true emotions and for once he can tell things are not going as well as she wants to make it seem. It’s satisfying, clutching at her bag when she turns to her mother.

“Where is the chauffeur? I have practice”.

Her mother smacks her lips together, apologetic features to the girl’s way. Her nails are of a peach shade, adorned with rings pressing to the table, leaning to look outside.

“I’m sorry darling, you know they need to change the wheels monthly. You can call a taxi, I have things to do at the office”.

“I can give you a lift”. Jaemin smiles kindly, the same way Lia does and her perfectly shaped eyebrows fall for a moment. “I need to be at the library”.

“Oh can you, sweet? As always, you’re an angel”.

Lia does a small scoff and Jaemin catches it, giving her a funny glare. Yeah, he’s not an angel or the lover boy that every single mother of his friends adores, and that is no secret, not even to the freshman of their school. She smooths her uniform skirt, starts walking ahead of him. He stands up, waves at Mrs Lee before following Lia outside.

“Let’s go then”.

Jaemin, despite seeing Lia since the day she was born to date, knows nothing about her. She has that poker face, unreadable, sometimes if you really pay attention displaying emotions. She’s stone cold, and it’s oddly terrifying considering she’s so young. Donghyuck is quite the opposite; always caused scenes while growing up, his personal battles somehow ending up in everyone's mouths the day after they happened. Jaemin is sure the only thing that’s really private is his family business and whatever relationship Renjun and him have. He’s gotten better.

She doesn’t seem an ounce entertained by Jaemin, moves her cured nails fast typing texts, lips pressing in concentration. Jaemin subtly leans in to watch, and then does one obvious look just to tease her, smirking at the way she hides the screen in her chest.

“Got a boyfriend to hide?”. Jaemin winks at her, eyes focusing again on the road. “Or girlfriend, I don’t judge”.

“Yeah, it would be hypocritical of you. Everyone knows you’re quite open”.

Jaemin smiles, he’s never said anything directly but he stands for everyone and their freedom to love, nothing bad with it. “Everyone should be. And don’t change the topic”.

“Look, you’re not my father, or my brother”. She answers ready, sneering harshly.

“Your brother doesn’t seem too happy”. Jaemin glances over her, moving the car mirror down and she’s fixing her brown hair. “Maybe I would avoid men over forty”.

There it is, exactly what Jaemin wanted. A reaction. Her confident face falls, just for a moment, the biting smile ready for another answer staggers, and she closes the mirror in front of her stretching her arm up. She looks at Jaemin carefully, as she’s asking if he knows and what he’s talking about at the same time, calculating her words and choices. He sees all of it in her glance.

It lasts very shortly, small huff out of her puffy lips. “I’m fourteen”.

“You’re fourteen”. Jaemin is satisfied, he still has nothing but at least she knows it is dangerous, and wrong. He stops right in front of the school, stairs of grey stone and a few students outside. “I’m kidding, but don’t give Hyuck too much trouble”.

She leans in to peck Jaemin’s cheek, cold as ever but it’s funny when she looks like an annoyed little sister. They used to be closer, and he used to treat her as one until she grew up and suddenly he doesn’t know anymore what every stare of her means. Suddenly all the little things he could attach on to make her birthday gifts or make her laugh were gone, replaced with this stranger he’s in a way close due to their families. “Thank you for the lift”.

Jaemin has plans when he gets to school, and none of those entail Renjun taking him by the arm, pushing him to the first locker of the boys’ changing room. He sighs, looks down at the shorter before he throws his head back to the locker, making an annoyed sound.

“Renjun it’s not the time”.

“Oh no, it is the time”. His best friend shoves the printed papers to his chest, an angry stare as they get crumpled in a fist. “Why do you have these and they’re not in the police’s hands or Donghyuck’s family lawyer?”.

“It’s not simple, I’m losing my head behind this for more than a month”. He pushes him off, takes a seat at the cold bench. Renjun seems calmer after taking a few breaths, walks to sit next to him, and Jaemin grabs the papers and folds them. No one else needs to see.

“Help me understand”. Renjun shakes his shoulders. “This is sickening Jaemin”.

So he has no chance but to explain. About him and Jeno finding out the letters breaking a drawer, to which Renjun grimaces. How Lia keeps the correspondents in a flash drive she always keeps with her, all the time. Says how the chance to grab it was when she was on her school trip. That was a slip, but Jaemin starts thinking maybe she wanted someone to see it, a very hazardous request for help. And the numbers, the ones in the letters Jaemin can’t figure out, all the documents and papers for a planned future somewhere else.

“Let me help you, at least figuring those numbers out”.

“I stayed quiet because this is driving me mad, Jeno too. You don’t need to be involved, and it is consensual. Lia knows, she wants to be with him and is aware she can’t go around and tell everyone”.

“Do you think he figured the message out?”. 

“No, I’m sure we’ll know when he does”. Jaemin greets his teeth, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. 

“Jeno thinks he has or is looking for something about their family. Remember around June? When they ended that contract Lee and Park had together abruptly? Of course the news only came through our parents, but it wasn’t exactly private”.

“Shit, you’re right”. Renjun frowns, looks over one of the numbers Jaemin found and circled in the papers with a pencil. “I think my father mentioned they were building a luxury complex, maybe I’m not sure, and probably failed for money or something else”.

“I don’t think it’s for money”. 

“Me too”. Renjun sighs “Everyone already forgot, why would he keep a grudge on their family?”.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. And he’s using Lia in the process, made a girl infatuated for him promising all nice things. He’s sick. Why, she can have everything already, why get it from him”.

Renjun glances up at Jaemin, from where he was looking at the newest pictures they took from her flash drive, a file listing all accounts of the things promised by Mr. Park. They didn’t have a proper chance to look at everything they got from the party, it’s been only a few days and they’re still students who need to focus and sleep. Jaemin is already losing it, but his eyes glint for a moment when he sees it.

Renjun zooms on the photo, biting the inside of his cheek in a sly smile. “She’s checking on him, keeping evidence”.

Jaemin gets home, dragging his feet and backpack to the floor through the entrance. It is awfully quiet, just got back from visiting Johnny and Jaehyun to throw some punches for practice before the two decided to go and watch a match. He can’t, after spending that last bit of energy for his fists meeting the rough surface of the red punching bag he’s not sure he can climb the stairs without taking a break.

So he does, sitting on a step, cheek smashed to the white ceramic of the railings. He had a few shots, stomach hurting and empty. Jaemin makes a tired noise, body sore when he arches his spine noticing a light turned on in one of the living rooms. Aretha is most likely already asleep, or maybe she has a day off he can’t remember. 

He recently stopped thinking, didn’t see Jeno all day. He wants to text him, Jeno is probably asleep and none of them enjoy talking on their phone anyways, so he just finds himself staring at his phone’s locker. Jeno is smiling, a pic he took of him in a huge hoodie and a pencil tucked behind his ear. He traces a finger around the phone’s borders before locking it and getting up, seeing why his parents are still awake.

The closer he gets to the room the stronger is the fragrance of candles only his mother lights up, clenching in his jacket because it’s freezing. His heart picks up an odd pace, jumpy and restless like his entire body, and walks quickly to close the window.

His mother is asleep with an arm folded and forehead resting there, hair falling over her shoulders and the coffee table. There’s a glass of wine next to her, red smudged and sliding around the chalice, a pink lipstick stain. Jaemin takes two fingers to feel her pulse, it’s fast and he’s relieved she’s just sleeping, taking in hand the full sachet of cocaine next to her pills. It seems untouched, anger boiling in Jaemin’s blood when he sprints up to his father’s studio.

Cold blood is truly what Jaemin needs when he opens the door ready to scream at the man. He doesn’t care what kind of dirty business and problems he digs his hands, arms, or his whole body in, hauling his mother behind is something he simply can’t stand. He’s not surprised that his father doesn’t mind, only inhales a shaky breath when he sees him cheating countless times with another woman under him on the couch.

He’s heard of it some other nights and ignored as much as he could. He’s motionless seeing it in front of him, happening. The hand around the bag of cocaine tightens, hears his father curse and that woman’s moans stopping when he widens his eyes at Jaemin.

He shows what he has in his hand, does a bitter smile and his view is glossy with tears he won’t take the bother to shed. He’s tired. 

“Don’t ever dare hurting my mother again with your bullshit”. He opens the bag to blow inside, white dust falling and floating in the air. “Enjoy your night, asshole”.

His father doesn’t have the time to walk over, cover himself and stop Jaemin. He probably is not a single bit affected, and Jaemin has already walked out of the house, the office door left slammed.

He takes a cab, his phone’s battery gone and all he remembers is the vip room where Yukhei mentioned he organizes some parties during the week. Jaemin’s father doesn’t see this is ruining the people he’s supposed to love, most likely empty of every ounce of care he once had for his mother. Hell, they built a family, a house together, something good must have been there at one point.

The club is jazzed, colorful lights and red couches in between moving bodies, chaotic. All Jaemin needs to forget, to stop thinking for a second. About school, a whole corrupted business, an illegal relationship, his mother drowning with alcohol and pills to survive that hellhole of their house. Scared to divorce, scared to leave Jaemin probably. He’s chugging down a drink, out of breath and he spills it on his shirt with the waves of nervous trembling.

This is who he really is at the bottom of all the layers Jeno mentioned a few days ago. A scared little boy, taken over responsibilities, too weak to seek help and shuts his eyes swallowing down another drink, burning in his throat. His eyes are wet, threading hands in his hair into fists.

“Slow down, champion”. 

Jaemin looks up. Orange hair back being extremely bright and out of place with all the boring tones of their school, now complimenting the club’s space. Chenle gives him a second look, sits next to him with an arm slung around his shoulders. He looks a bit too happy. 

And Jaemin sinks his lips until they hurt, taking in his hands the reason why Chenle is so euphoric. 

“Does Jisung know? Chenle, just because our fathers have it you can’t-”.

“It won’t kill me for a night. And you won’t too. You look like you need it”. 

Jaemin keeps turning it in his hand, unsure. Maybe if his father sees what such innocent looking dust can do to people you supposedly care about, maybe if he touches the bottom there’s a chance he will notice. They’re in public, so Jaemin wets his finger, dips it in the bag and looks up at Chenle.

“Just this once, you too”. He says, stern look and he licks his poisoned digit, does it a few times more sure no one is minding them at this darker corner where the booth Jaemin decided to nestle in is.

He takes the whole bag. There’s music rumbling in his chest, sweat dripping from his temples as he moves with the music, fingers opening the slots of his shirt, spine sticking to the walls as he follows the rhythm. Jaemin can hear his breathing, amplified and numb, sweetly numb everywhere he touches and ruffles Chenle’s hair when they meet again.

He’s laughing, weightless and touching the sky with his dusted fingers, swinging by the counter again, the taste of bitter peach lingering at the tip of his tongue, spinning on his barstool seat when his eyes lock with Johnny and Jaehyun.

Jaemin stands up to greet the older, stumbles in the other’s firm arms avoiding the fall. He giggles, cups Johnny’s cheeks.

“Hey, that’s where you guys are hiding?”. He kisses Johnny’s cheek, grabs his hand to the center of the room. “Dance with me”.

Johnny is warm, so very warm and his lazy moves have his face fall on the older’s shoulder. No one can compare, he’s not Jeno. What would Jeno think of him, the song that plays next is good. He’s like the rest of them, Jaemin likes to believe he’s different, but look at him. That’s exactly who he is, his head spins every time he looks up to Johnny who’s asking something he can’t understand, touches his face to find tears when his senseless mouth tastes salt breaking that sweet slurry of fruit and vodka and something he’s had he can’t recall anymore.

He feels handled to a couch, blinking twice the smudged concerned face of Jaehyun, sweeping his hair back and Johnny pushes a glass of water to his lips, until he takes a sip tasting thick and even more bitter liquid than everything he drank tonight.

Jaehyun hovers him, gently petting his hair. “Jaemin, how much did you drink? Why are you here alone?”.

“A little”. He starts hiccuping, clinging to Jaehyun’s figure when he hugs him.

“Idiot, you’re wasted. Let’s get you home”.

“No”. Jaemin curls his fingers around the boy’s wrist, pleading with such a short word. “Everywhere but home, please”.

Jaemin finishes up the night puking, Johnny soothing his back as he bends to the toilet, dry heaves filling the echoing space. He’s about to fall asleep on the floor after releasing everything in his body until there’s only spit drooling on his chin if it isn’t for both boys picking him up and tucking him to bed.

He feels the mattress sinking down next to him, Jaehyun curls his body and shapes it to match Jaemin’s position, chest pressing at his spine. 

“Nana, what happened? Did you fight with Jeno? With dad?”. He feels his brother’s nose pressing to his neck, voice low and near. Like the old days, when Jaemin was little and had nightmares during storms running to the older’s bedroom for rescue. “You never get drunk”.

“I’m fine”. Jaemin croaks out, throat sore with the violent twisting of his insides. “Tomorrow will be fine”.

He hears a piercing whistling sound, shitfitng and clinging to Johnny. Jaemin manages a smile, engulfed by the two older boys, starting to sweat with the walls of his head pounding painfully the more his brain realizes he is awake.

Johnny’s room is familiar, he’s seen it tons of times at night. This is the first time his hurting and tired eyes give a proper look around, not busy crawling to the bed and face the pillow for Johnny to fool around with him like it used to be.

Johnny combs his hair, fingers long. It’s calming, slow, the boy’s cologne smells nice and warm but it doesn't affect him anymore. Instead, it's very friendly and he appreciates it. Renjun was never much of a cuddler anyway, it’s good to give in something and not owning intimacy with anyone. Nothing really works anymore when there's someone else’s hands, smile, and the way he gently brings Jaemin down to his chest he can't stop thinking about.

Jaehyun sneaks an arm around Jaemin, falling onto Johnny’s stomach. He pats his palm there a few times, nose sinking in Jaemin’s blonde hair.

“I left for college worried about my little brother and my best friend while you two got wild together all summer”.

Jaehyun chuckles, and Jaemin slightly turns his head to look at him apologetically but all he sees is mirth fallen in warm brown.

“Leave him alone”. Johnny playfully hits the older who now has dimples back in sight. “Jaemin has a boyfriend now, he looks kind”.

“Nana”. Jaehyun hugs him properly when he turns and hides his face in the wrinkly grey shirt, holding his face to lock eyes. “Why did you get that drunk last night? We were worried sick”.

Jaemin won't tell. Not how bad it is, everything that Jaehyun luckily only knows a small part of. He can’t admit the suffocating air he inhales whenever he's home, sticking and blocking his lungs in a house as big as theirs. Can’t admit he has some good people in his life that make him want to stay, but at the same time he wishes he would get drunk or high and never wake up again. Never face once again their life, the expectations, reputation to keep solid and for what? To have a father selling cocaine, a mother loopy with pills whenever her husband brings home another woman to fuck under her eyes? 

Jaemin makes a sheepish smile, softens his for Jaehyun. “I’m sorry, it's nothing, I just fought with Jeno”.

Jaemin feels bad for the genuine encouragement and worried eyes of the other. “Nothing you can't fix, right?”.

“Don't worry”. Jaemin lays on Jaehyun’s chest, eyes turning empty. “It is something stupid. I was stupid”.

“Maybe you should rest some more and then try to meet him. I’m sure he wants to make up”.

Jaemin opens his mouth, hears the wet sound of Jeno’s tongue licking inside, presses closer where he’s straddling him on the couch. He feels boneless, doing nothing but latching his hands on the boy’s neck, one fistful of hair as his breathing thickens lacking air from their kiss.

Jeno’s mother is not home, and they just had a long phone call with Renjun. Lia is keeping track of all the investments Mr Park is making for her, as they already figured, she’s checking on the man. She probably understood at some point he is fooling her, and if she’s playing with him back she’s risking a lot. Also Jaemin doesn’t know what or who Lia is protecting, but it must be something about her entire family, most likely related to their older business. Renjun is trying to give a sense to the numbers they have, said maybe a fresher view can help them.

He’s not happy there’s another person knowing, at least it can serve to let this nightmare be over faster. Jaemin whines, feeble from the way Jeno is nipping his neck. He weightens down the boy, fist tight in his hair and he shivers the second time he whines, sounding more painful than pleasured. His head keeps spinning, and the next second he realizes he’s gripping at Jeno, gasping for air.

“Nana”. Jeno's face crumbles when Jaemin starts taking deep and choked breaths, high pitched fatigued sounds because he can’t breath. “Hey, what’s going on, can you hear me?”.

He’s familiar with that feeling. Jaemin is panicking. He stutters something, he’s not sure what comes out of his mouth, pressing his digits and nails to Jeno’s shoulders. His eyes are shut, wet with tears and at one point he starts hearing his breathing pattern so he can focus again on it, and hears Jeno's gentle voice, holding him close and soothing his back.

“Baby, calm down, breath for me okay?”. 

Jaemin nods, fingers hooked at the collar of Jeno’s shirt. There’s blood in his chapped lips, eyes blown and trembling looking up at his boyfriend, making another pained sound.

“Did something happen at home?”.

“Just a bad day”. Jaemin knows Jeno doesn’t believe him, he can’t convince himself either. 

“Help me make it better”. Jeno leans in, pecks him even when he tastes like blood and cold sweat. “You need to rest, stay here tonight. No need to entertain me in any way, hm? You can crash on the mattress and not speak a word”.

“I love you”. Jeno is drying his tears, it’s not the first time. He’s the only one to see him weak, him and Jaehyun. Always got taught to be strong, manly, the steel pillar of his family. Jaemin is young, and as much as they all like to play grownups, he’s fading with something bigger than him. When you’re young you always have that security of having adults who got your back, someone responsible to keep you out of all the corrupted and messy situations you could get in. This is ruining Jaemin’s life, he has no adults to save him, that security is thrown through the tears he’s shedding in front of Jeno. “I’m sorry I love you, I’m sorry Jeno”.

“Why? Don’t be sorry, this is good, Nana”. Jeno’s eyes are confused, and somehow watery as well. “I love you too, I love you, there’s nothing wrong with it”.

“Can I really stay here?”.

Jeno cups his cheeks, presses a short kiss to his forehead. “As long as you need it”.

“Hey handsome”. Jaemin blocks Chenle from leaving school, the other turning with a grimace. He looks up and down to his figure, wrinkling his nose.

“Don't call me that ever again”.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, rests at one of the break room seats. He’s fidgety, nails bitten and despite Jeno helping him and letting him sleep at his place he needs a push. A little something. He’s already gotten a few times, wrong parties and places attending with invitations from the right circle to get it.

He looks a bit lost, he’s gotten told a lot recently. And Jaemin sees it too. Ill pale, permanent livid eyes and he wanders around, unsure what he’s looking for. It's his only way to bare his home, to smile during dinner and tell his father it's okay if he fucks every woman he can with a biting smile. Shrugged off the man’s excuses. Turns out his business does quite well to save him.

“You keep it around, don't you?”. 

Chenle stares at him, checks no one is listening to them before he leans in.

“I don't sell at school and not a single minor is involved if it worries you. You know it better than me all these shitty people-”.

“I’d like some of it”.

“We said once”. Chenle’s glance is stern, screaming how much of a bad idea it is. Jaemin always avoided it as much as he could, even after seeing his father in the middle of business. The younger keeps it around, accepts the reality of things and Jaemin envies him.

“Sometimes even I change my mind”. Jaemin shrugs, sighs as he gets his wallet. “How much?”.

“I don't need money”. Chenle scoffs, shakes his hand to pass a bag of cocaine to him. “And it's family business, it's not like you need to pay”.

“How convenient”. Jaemin doesn’t even know what smiling means anymore, it's just a lipped stretch of lips, sad even under Chenle’s eyes now.

“Jaemin, you’re losing control”.

He stands up, holds Chenle’s knee. “Exactly”.

Jaemin gets out of his last class, one week of temporary euphory in and out his nostrils. His heart is pounding in his ears, he’s sure the bio test went well. Minsuh gave him an odd look, most likely from the way he looked completely lifeless the day before at her and Jeno’s house just to walk now in the school’s corridors. A renewed Jaemin, running when he spots Jeno.

The boy turns startled when Jaemin hugs him from behind, makes a quick look around where everyone is already staring at them. Jeno manages a smile, holds a hand up probably meant to rest on his cheek but he stops, that is until Jaemin takes his wrist and encourages him to do it. He keeps smiling, huffs a laugh and leans closer, looking up at Jeno when their noses brush together.

“Nana what are you doing?”.

“Fuck everyone else, kiss me”.

Jeno chuckles at Jaemin wily hands trying to hook at the slots to touch his skin, kisses him with a languid kiss probably not too appropriate for school, tongue lingering for a moment too long in his mouth. Jaemin’s stomach jumps, laughs again and presses his lips at his jaw.

“Are you 0kay?”. Jeno keeps grinning incredulously, traces a thumb through his eyebrow. Jaemin looks over at a girl subtly holding her phone up in her direction and blows her a kiss, like someone needs proof of them being together when they’re in a busy corridor after a test for everyone to see.

“I’m happy”. He kisses him again. “And my parents aren’t home”.

Jeno rarely has been at his house. Jaemin doesn’t like to show that part of him, is afraid there will be something compromising that could back Jeno away from him. His boyfriend knows how sketchy a big part of their money is nowadays, saw it before Jaemin and yet he’s still here, willingly holding his hand as Jaemin runs to the indoor pool. 

“Are you sure we’re alone?”. Jeno asks as Jaemin is stripping off his clothes, licking his bottom lip with his fingers curled to take off his underwear.

“Maybe you wanna take this off”. Jeno rolls his eyes, presses closer with Jaemin’s hungry kisses, discarding the last piece of clothing. “Don’t worry, it’s just us”.

Jaemin is sucking on Jeno’s neck, hands sliding down his chest and abdomen, guides the boy’s hands down his ass and he hisses when Jaemin palms him through his jeans.

“What are you doing?”. Jeno warns, still gladly holding Jaemin’s leg crawling up his hips.

“We haven’t done it in so long, baby”. The glass doors of the pool illuminate the space to notice Jeno’s goosebumps, and the red rim of Jaemin’s eyes, long lashes fluttering shut in a moan when the other strokes him. “I miss you”.

“I can tell”. Jeno groans when Jaemin turns back and presses his ass to Jeno’s length, grinds back at every movement. He feels the other's usual veiny hands curling at his cock, does a few strokes when Jaemin is impatient. Jeno presses his lips to his ears, bites the skin there. “And you want me to take care of you”.

“I can top as well, I don’t mind, just-”. Jaemin rocks back to him, breathy moans out of his lips echoing louder in the room. “Do something”.

Jeno chuckles, raising his hands in question when Jaemin pulls and dips right into the pool, blinking drops of water embedded in his long lashes. “We have a pool, let’s use it well, all of these fucking money”.

Jeno swims where he is, Jaemin paddling away until he reaches the borders of the pool, resting his back there and spreads his legs open for his boyfriend to settle in between. Jeno tastes like chlorine, hands slippery trying to grip at his shoulders, Jaemin quite desperate to feel something and throws his head back at the easy slip of Jeno’s fingers inside him.

His senses are amplified, water splashing with every crashing of water at their frenzy movements, the way the sun filters pale through the space, his neck stinging with a few harsh bites of blooming hickeys and how clear and loud their moans are. They’re some frantic choked sounds, head hidden in his folded arms to the pool border as he arches his spine feeling Jeno deeper, his own voice muffled but Jeno’s heavy breathing is all over him. It’s an uncomfortable position, one leg bent up to give him more acces, closed at the corner where water is low enough for them to touch the ground.

He’s overstimulated, sobbing moans because it feels good, every poisoned feeling doubled with its sensitiveness, gripping the pool walls meeting every snap of hips back. 

“Close?”. Asks Jeno out of breath, he’s probably tight. He tries to relax, and Jeno is always good, his ears perk at every small sound and he shivers with a nod, feeling a wet kiss at his nape. Jaemin smiles, wet hair sticking to his forehead dropping water down the slope of his nose. 

“Am I loud? I feel like I’m being loud”. Everything sounds too far from quiet, he’s not sure. His skin is covered in needles giving him a kind of artificial electricity, whining again Jeno’s name when he takes too long to answer.

“Very”. Jeno tries to chuckle, and from what he knows he’s sure his face is contracting with the next sound he makes in between. “It’s sexy, keep going”.

Jaemin lightly slams his forehead to the pavement, eyes shut when Jeno starts hitting a very good spot. The indoor pool’s space is filled with breaths, rushed and the splashing of water mixed in between and when Jaemin looks up, he gasps for a different reason than Jeno’s thrusting. His mother is standing at the other side of the glass, still far from them, glass of wine in hand and completely still.

He starts trembling, and he’s glad Jeno’s face is buried in his shoulder getting close to his release, Jaemin’s body moving forward with every strong thrusts as he gapes blinking absently a few times at the woman. She covers her mouth with one of her cured hands, turning in her bathrobe to get away from there.

Jaemin pretends to cum, he’s too distracted. He forces himself to clench around Jeno as the other is genuinely enjoying when he cums, palms gently sliding where he was grabbing at his hips. Jaemin shuts his eyes again, hands rubbing strongly until he finds a few eyelashes stuck on his skin.

He turns to face Jeno, smiling widely, trying to calm his breathing. He pushes Jeno’s wet hair back, grazes his fingers at the line of his jaw, eyes mellow. His heart hurts with nervousness, sickness but he doesn’t want to bother or worry Jeno even more than what he’s been doing recently.

“There are some clean bathrobes and showers right through that corridor, I’ll join you in a moment”. Another familiar lipped smile as he cups Jeno’s cheek. “Wait for me?”.

“Sure”. Jeno frowns from his previous smile, kissing softly Jaemin’s forehead. “Everything okay? You look weird”.

“I’m always okay with you”. He closes his eyes at another careful press of lips, this time on his cheek. 

Truth is, as Jaemin walks with bare feet and clutching at his bathrobe, he’s terrified. All he’s asking is for his mother to not cause a scene, Jeno is still here and that’s the last thing he wants. He can’t even expect her to smile or read a positive expression or anything, anyone would be shocked to see their son having sex in the family pool when you’re home. 

So, with heart eating all his rationality almost making him flee, he walks to her studio. She’s smoking, the same glass of wine on the long desk and staring outside the window, finger tracing where she’s not wearing her wedding ring anymore. Jaemin notices right in that moment, clearing his throat.

She looks at him, eyes glazed with sadness and sighs before gesturing the seat in front of her, Jaemin pressing his lips together and nods. 

“Look, mom, I only ask you to scream at me later if you despise me that much. He’s here and I care about him, I know you hating on me would ruin everything between us. He’s the only good thing I have in my life right now”.

Her eyes are wide, a baffled huff of air. “Hate on you? Jaemin, I’m your mother”.

“It’s not like it has ever stopped dad from calling slurs that address me as well”.

“He doesn’t know”.

“Does it matter?”. Jaemin looks down, flumbles with a pen there on the table. “That’s what he actually thinks of me If I tell him”.

Jaemin feels her mother’s warm hand holding his, torturing her lips before she raises her cheeks in that familiar smile he’s missed so much. “What’s his name?”.

“What?”.

“Jaemin, I can’t change you. And it’s not my plan, I’m proud of who you are, sometimes I think with you and Jaehyun I gave birth to the best parts of me so I can see them and get inspired whenever my life guides me in the wrong places”.

She opens her arms, and Jaemin has never felt more defeated and somehow safe sitting in his mother’s lap, damp hair staining her thin clothes. He breathes her perfume, a sweet one she’s been wearing for as long as Jaemin can remember, cold nose sniffling to avoid all the tears he’s been shedding recently.

“I’m not your best part, I make too many mistakes”.

“Mh, one of them is definitely being so intimate in our pool with your boyfriend”. Jaemin cringes, laughing embarrassed. “Because he is your boyfriend, right? Don’t do it with strangers, and be careful if you do”.

“Jeno, his name is Jeno. And he’s my boyfriend, don’t worry”. His mother nods, tries to fix the muss of blonde in his head through her long nails. They stay quiet for a moment, and he hopes Jeno is waiting for him and has some patience.

“Can I meet him? With clothes back on and we can pretend I didn’t see you”.

“Please”. Jaemin hugs her, gives her a peck on the cheek. “Thank you mom, means a lot”.

“I know this is hard for you, but you could have told me sooner. You’re my son, I support you. And this is just something small, it doesn’t change who you are”.

She puckers her lips in a funny way staring down at a spot of his neck, covering it with Jaemin’s bathrobe. “Go change, I’ll wait for you in the living room”.

“Which one?”.

“Our personal one”. She pinches his cheek. “The guest one is too formal, I don’t like it”.

Jaemin chuckles. “You designed it”.

“I did many things that don’t fit who I am anymore, sweet”. 

Jaemin tells Jeno his mother wants to meet him, and there’s nothing to worry about. He figures the other trusts him from the lack of fear in his eyes, maybe he is nervous because he cares about Jeno being appreciated like he already does. Jaemin stands in front of the mirror of his bedroom to fade away the shower’s condense from his bathroom, shivering with the opened window and he’s combing properly his hair, the shirt he needs to wear folded on the bed.

He watches Jeno settle behind him, chin resting on his shoulder. His fingers start tracing up his stomach to his first rib. Jaemin has his arms up to fix his hair, and the bones stick out more than when he’s relaxed, locks eyes with Jeno in the mirror. He grabs his unbusy hand to kiss the palm of it, and Jaemin leans back to his chest comfortably.

“You’re very thin, I noticed it before but now-”. Jeno clears his throat, closes his eyes to press his cold nose on the crook of his neck. “I noticed you’re not eating”.

Jaemin looks at his own reflection. His face has slimmed down, eyes looking bigger and more consumed every time he stares at himself. He takes a deep breath, turns to hug Jeno.

“I’m okay, I’m just not that hungry recently. With school and everything else”.

“That thing we found, it can’t consume you, okay? We can always call the police”.

“No, no we can’t. We need to protect Donghyuck and Lia, no matter how fucked whatever they’re trying to save about their family is. We always have each other’s back in here, that’s how it works, we can’t”.

Jeno doesn’t say anything, sighing as he hugs him back. 

It’s not as bad as Jaemin thought it would be. His mother is nice, really makes an effort to pretend she didn’t see a thing reading an unspoken complicity and Jeno’s red cheeks and sheepish attitude is a treat to witness. They talk for a while and it would be very weird to retell how they met, so they opt for a second truth. They truly started talking at school, Jaemin admits he really liked Jeno and so his boyfriend does his part saying he was already crushing on him. Jeno admits he joined the swimming team organization for some time just to see Jaemin, and from how flushed he is he can tell this is not made up. He holds his hand as they talk with the woman.

It is nice having his mother by his side, nice to spend some fun hours around Jeno and Jaehyun during the week, but the morning Jaemin hides near the school with a joint in hand he feels smashed on the ground, rough and scraping all that’s left of him.

He swallows a few times, dipped fingers in a white bag Chenle reluctantly gave him this time, and almost pleads the younger after a solid week of finding his way to get it directly from his house. He can’t take too much of it or his father will notice, and can’t pretend to be selling it. He doesn’t want to nor is ready to handle the weight of bringing easy money in.

He sticks his tongue inside the finished back, rubs his nose with it until he rests at a brickwork, inhaling burning smoke alone. He has a few texts from Renjun, pretends he was late and is aware it’s not a great excuse when he has a driver to bring him to school. His wrists are weak, bones hurting whenever he moves or lifts his arm, weed relaxing his jumpy state. 

Minsuh looks at him worried when he enters the classroom, Jaemin smiles and takes a seat. He can’t focus. He just stares blankly to what he has in front of him, watches the blue legs of the chair blurring into colorful lines, flashes of black and color of his fluttery lashes. He swallows back a few gagging sensations, head spinning and nose itching with an odd feeling, stomach dropping continuously as he’s falling from a rollercoaster.

He watches a drop of blood staining his book, growing to a few more when he presses a hand on his nose, wiping the chair back with a strong sound muffled to his ears whistling. He gets up to quickly run to the bathroom, not saying anything. His legs wobble after a few steps, and before he can reach the door his entire body surrenders. The last thing he feels is the extreme pain of his knees hitting the ground and Jeno’s mother calling his name.

“Nana? Please Jaemin, it’s me, Jeno, wake up”.

“Guys, please don’t crowd him, Jeno you too”.

“No”. Jaemin half opens his eyes at the nervous and higher voice, recognizes Jeno cupping his cheeks, warm fingers trembling. He has a backpack under his head, winces when he tries to lean closer to the boy. He rubs his nose at Jeno’s palm, chapped lips sticking muddy when he tries to say something.

He shakes his head, fingers curling at his nape to bring their forehead together. “I’m fine”.

“You’re scaring me to death Jaemin, you’re not fine”. Jeno’s teeth are chattering, Jaemin tilts his head to place a brief kiss. “We need to call an ambulance”.

“Don’t”. Jaemin looks at him scared, that’s the last thing he wants, to have doctors find all the shit flooding in his blood. “I just- rest”. He makes a tired sob, latching his hands around Jeno’s neck and he tries to sit up, falling on the other’s chest when he does. He says nothing, grips at him and shuts his eyes, doesn’t want to know about what anyone around them thinks. 

“I’m worried for you”.

Minsuh squats down, strokes Jaemin’s cheek and keeps a reassuring hand on Jeno’s shoulders, worrying about their exposure. He’s not sure she knows they already kissed in the corridors and voices run fast at Neo Culture. Jaemin can’t even keep his eyes open, watches Jeno’s uniform dirt with blood.

“Not again, shit”.

“Okay, okay”. Jeno picks him up, arms firm around his dead weight and his legs, Jaemin doesn’t have the strength to circle them properly on his waist. “At least the school infirmary, we’re going there”.

Jaemin falls asleep. Jeno skips the nexts class and keeps checking on him, his pulse, palm pressed at his sweaty forehead and he notices the pity stares of the nurse after an hour of not getting up from the little chair next to his bed. Jaemin is sleeping, mouth slightly open and curled on the thick cream blanket and he must be really sick to fall asleep there, the most uncomfortable space of the school. The break room couches are better compared to where Jaemin is sleeping.

Renjun walks in, of course he’s already heard what happened and curses quietly to where they’re staying. He ironically checks his pulse too, as if there isn’t already a nurse there who did all the basic checks on him but Jaemin looks almost gone. His heart beats loud, and that’s the only thing reassuring Jeno.

He’s pale, almost blending with the white walls’ color, lips of a sick shade and there’s a faint blood stain in his cupid’s bow where his nose started bleeding again and Jeno messily cleaned him up. 

“Where’s Jaemin’s backpack”. Renjun asks seriously, sharing a look with a disheveled Jeno, stuttering in his words because he’s lost, too focused staring at Jaemin as if it would make it any better. “God, Jeno”.

Renjun hugs him, thin frame but a hold so strong Jeno crumbles in it, bites his lip and starts trembling, quiet sobs loud in the almost empty room. Renjun pats his back, detaches after a minute to look at him. 

“Jaemin is right, you’re really a large sized baby”. He smiles, breaking that thick air, shaking softly his shoulders as he keeps looking down.

“If we never found that stupid drawer, he, we, he wouldn’t-”.

“Jeno, listen to me. We’ll get at the bottom of this, okay?”. Renjun pats his cheek stained with tears, grabs a tissue for him and looks around the room. “Is that Jaemin’s bag?”.

Jeno nods. He watches the shorter searching voidly for something, he’s not sure what. Probably Renjun isn’t either, moving to Jaemin’s sleeping body and before Jeno can stop him he moves Jaemin’s arm, palming at his jacket’s pockets, eyes turning dark and fixed on the empty bag still lightly dusted with white.

Jeno holds his hand, hides it from the nurse or anyone that can come in to visit Jaemin. Renjun is petrified, eyes glancing up to Jaemin’s sleeping face, fist tightening around the border of the bed. Jeno swallows the lump in his throat, heart picking a fast beat. Jaemin is not happy, did this to bare everything and how stupid was of him to believe it, looking so lost after being energetic and euphoric around him. 

He thinks of the swimming pool day and he shivers, afraid he’s hurt him. Jaemin was driven by something that has nothing to do with his feelings for him, went all over with drugs to stay bubbly and not hurt him. It all finds a place back to where he couldn’t take his hands on Jaemin’s humor. 

“How stupid of me, of course”. Renjun whispers, sits next to Jeno, keeps staring at Jaemin. “The mood swings, sometimes I can’t recognize him, too out of control and he’s not like this, never. Who the fuck is selling it to him”.

“Or gifting”. Jeno says, tight-lipped. It’s more to himself than to Renjun, realizing he made a mistake when the other turns serious.

“Jeno, what does it mean? We don’t have the privilege to hide things right now, are you aware?”.

“I can’t”. Jeno’s voice breaks, inhaling deeply as his eyes get watery. “Jaemin, I promised to him I won’t”.

“Is he in any dangerous circle?”. 

“No, it’s not that. He’s safe, for anything else”.

Jaemin shifts in his sleep, pillow staining again with blood. “Shit”. Jeno gets up to cover his nose, ice bag pressing at his forehead. Renjun notices the half opened eyes of his best friend, deciding they all hurt too much today and they can take a small break from all that’s happening, he’ll think of it later.

He sits on the other side of the bed, holds Jaemin’s hand and both boys stay there until Jaemin’s mother picks him up to bring him home. Jeno is about to get home with a heavy heart but the woman holds his shoulder, smiles sweetly at him.

“Don’t frown too much, darling. Want to come with us?”.

“I’d like that”. Jeno looks and feels distraught, hair messy and eyes blown. “I need to call my mom first?”.

“Sure, take your time”.

Jeno faces Renjun out of the door, walking closer to him and holds his arm, sighing and staring at his shoes for a moment before he looks up at him. There’s so much he wants to say but nothing comes out, so Renjun speaks for him.

“I know you’re protecting him, Jeno. But if you happen to know who gave Jaemin that shit tell them for me i’ll strangle them with bare hands”.

Jeno waits. Talks with Jaemin’s mother, tries to convince her he’s just very tired and stressed with exams and he has a fever. He feels horrible, but has to do it for all of them, and never in his life he thought he’d protect the people he used to despite and avoid. That until he fell in love with one of them, realized there’s so much good and hurt mixed in one very fragile body curling next to him on the bed.

His uniform is dirty with Jaemin’s blood, not a good reason to leave or not keep the boy close to his chest. And to hear his boyfriend’s snoring and heartbeat keeping up a pace under his wrist is what convinces Jeno they can fix this. Jaemin’s mother comes in with some clean clothes, tells Jeno to wear them and make himself home.

Jeno still has that small bag in his pocket, calling his name, torturing him with the way it’s ruining Jaemin. He takes it out, lips curling to not cry when Jaemin wakes up and looks at him, cold fingers pressing at his face. Jeno lifts it and Jaemin stands still, eyes darkened an ill purplish color and chapped pale lips bitten.

“Why”. Jeno’s voice trembles, he’s not afraid to do so if he’s with Jaemin. “Just give a reason why you’re doing this”.

“Attention seeker problems”. Jaemin whispers, hand falling on his chest. “A desperate way to let my father notice what this shit does to you. I guess I failed, I ended up hurting someone else that loves me, and I’m addicted. It makes me feel good, frees me from all this shit”.

“You need to stop”. Jeno’s eyes are pleading, foreheads resting together and Jaemin can see how scared they are. “Renjun and I will take care of this, of Lia and all the other things but you need to stop. There won't be anything left of you, Nana”.

Jeno holds up one of his bony wrists, dried blood there from his nose. He circles it with his fingers, and there’s still so much space the hold is loose. Jaemin hates the sight of it.

“You can’t disappear on us, okay?”. Jeno cries, closing a salty kiss tasting of sadness. Nothing else but sadness. “I love you, I can’t lose you”.

Jeno wakes up to his phone ringing, getting up from where Jaemin is deep asleep to not wake him and answer what he sees is Renjun calling.

“Are you up for a night trip?”. That’s what Renjun says, Jeno getting closer to the door and as distant as he can from Jaemin’s bed.

“Not really in the mood, you know”.

“The numbers of the letters are coordinates, I found one that makes sense and is not too far from here”.

“Are you serious? Yes, I, uhm”.

“You don't want to leave Jaemin. It’s okay Jeno, I can go alone”.

“No, I’m going with you. Jaemin would kill me to know I let you go alone”. Jeno lifts the corner of his mouth in a small smile, not that the other can see him. “And we're friends, aren't we?”.

Renjun chuckles from the other line. “Friends who solve crimes together stay together, right. Thank you for taking care of him, I’ll remember it”. 

“Our relationship might have started off the way it did but”. Jeno stops, body leaning to the door staring at Jaemin sleeping.

“I know, you love him and he loves you, no need to rub it in the single’s faces”.

“You could have it too. With Donghyuck, he told me everything”.

“Yeah, fine. Move your ass outside, I’m picking you up”.

They drive to a lonely zone free of buildings and Jeno is glad he has Renjun with him. After ten minutes of a long asphalted street bare of lights that had both of them questioning if they were going in the right direction, they found an abandoned construction site, walking between rusty steel and bright orange plastic tapes. It must be the infamous business left unfinished, somewhere Mr. Park knows very well when he was funding half of the project, walking quite disappointed, shoes dirty with crunching dirt.

“All the secrecy in the letters for this? What did she gain?”.

“A good laugh”. Renjun folds his arms in the too big yellow and black flannel, straight hair too long pushed back with the wind. “She has him in her little fingers, and I hope he won’t figure it out because she can get hurt after such a mock. This is her way to let him know she didn’t fall for his tricks”.

“He can’t do anything without dirtying his name or seeing him in court for a case he’s already lost. Also, if she really loves her, which is sick”. Jeno grimaces “He would hesitate to let someone else do the work for him and hurt Lia”.

“He doesn’t love her”. Renjun is freezing and his voice stumbles for the cold, and when Jeno is about to give his jacket he raises a hand to stop him. “But she definitely did and I’m sure she’s hurt. And Jeno, a young and smart fourteen year old like Lia getting mad is worse than anything else. I’m sure she’d do anything to drown his name. This is her warning”. 

Renjun chuckles, kicks a piece of consumed material. “Very classy, if I have to be honest”.

“What do we do from here?”. Jeno says then, defeated. This ruined Jaemin’s life even more, he has an addicted boyfriend at home barely alive for this whole story. “What was the use?”.

“We protect her. And Donghyuck in case he does something. Keep your flash drive as proof just in case and go on with your lives. We have bigger problems and Lia is handling this perfectly. I’m still curious to know what happened here for their families to break things off”.

“Something really bad to cover up”. Jeno guesses, furrows his eyebrows at a spot where he sees some fresh flowers in a vase, tilting his head in that direction. “A death”.

He points where he’s looking and Renjun follows, mouth gaping before he glances back at Jeno. Jeno smacks his lips together and folds his arms in his chest as well. “Add cheap materials for the constructions, an accident on work for underpaid employers and a lack of suretyship as guaranteed felony. I’m not surprised if they paid the victim’s family to shut up”.

“They would have lost a lot of money for sure if someone reports it”.

“What if Mr. Park wants to expose Donghyuck’s family and meant to persuade Lia to not involve him? It sounds a lot like revenge”.

“You’re smart”. Renjun smiles at him, pats his back. “I already knew it, Jaemin dates no fool but you know, I mean actually smart”.

“Let’s get out of here, we can come back tomorrow and ask if there’s any deceased in the last months, just to confirm our theory”.

Jaemin wakes up. The room spins when he rolls off his bed, pressing wrists at his temples in a useless attempt to make that migraine stop. 

It’s been around three days off school, Jeno and Renjun are together and he’s been updated about the recent events and homework. He doesn’t remember most of it, too far gone and tired, walking around feeling a ghost haunting his house walls. There’s a familiar itching and eagerness he can’t shake off, the same one ruining his digits digging nails and scraping skin, the same one making him stumble in his father’s office searching for more.

His body needs more, he’s left to a corpse without that rush, those grams of happiness. It’s not real happiness, just something shaking him from the haze, from the permanent slumber. Jaemin doesn’t have the energy to be quiet, moving loudly papers and opening drawers in his father’s office. He consumes his own products, Jaemin has seen it often, and he’s scared of the relief washing out his body when he dips his nose with cocaine.

He’s still in his pajamas, crumpled shirt of Jeno and boxers, abandoned against the opened drawer of his father’s desk. The room is dark, empty glass smelling of scotch and a full ashtray. Aretha would scold him if she gets to clean the dinner leftovers in his room and finds him up, he’s still holding a bottle of water he’s supposed to drink.

He holds a dispirited laugh back seeing the door opening to a slit of light, his father staring down where he is.

“Hi dad”. Jaemin’s bony spine hurts, everywhere hurts when he sits. “Want some?”. He lifts cocaine for him to widen his eyes.

“Jaemin”. He scolds, discarding his jacket on the desk. “What are you holding?”.

“Oh, you mean this?”. Jaemin dips a finger as he’s been learning to do daily, languidly darts out his tongue just to piss the man more. “It’s cocaine, dad, I thought you were very familiar with it. Don’t you sell it?”.

“Jaemin I’m not laughing”. Jaemin smiles seeing the man’s jaw clenching, maybe he does have a heart under all that selfishness. “Is this why you’re sick?”.

Jaemin gets up, a bit nauseous and very much angry with the way he gets closer to the man, drops the empty bag in his hands. “There’s a lot you can’t control”.

Jaemin laughs, dry and his voice hoarse and weaker each day more. “Want an example? I’m gay, dad”. He scoffs, twitches one cocky eyebrow as he properly locks eyes with more mature and familiar features to his looking shocked. “I fuck around with guys, and they fuck me really, really good”.

“Jaemin, this is not the time to be joking-”.

“I love it. That’s me, your son Jaemin Na, gay and a cocaine addict now. I’m not any less of a man, I have the right to love whoever I want and because of you, I’ve been scared my entire life. And now that I found someone good for me, someone that makes me feel safer than this damn place I should call home you’re still ruining everything for me, always ruining my fucking life!”. He points a finger at his chest, crying his eyes out and he’s screaming, so loud he hears some steps and sees Jaehyun entering the office confused. He forgot he was supposed to come for dinner today.

“You can kick me out, but I’m tired of living a lie, tired of your stupid advices to which daughter of which family I should be interested in. I can’t love somebody’s daughter, I don’t want to. I don’t expect you to say anything else because you already had your fair share of nasty comments about people like me, Jisung, Chenle and my boyfriend”. 

Jaemin starts walking out, sees Jaehyun and his bottom lip quivers. “Have a good dinner everyone, I’m out”.

Jaemin starts running through the doors, Jaehyun chasing him and sprinting until he stops in front of him with opened arms, locking him in a tight hug Jaemin starts crying, screaming – he’s not sure anymore, in.

“Breathe. Take some deep breaths, I’m here”.

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I want to disappear”.

Jaehyun shuts his eyes in a frown, holds Jaemin tighter. “No, no, there’s so many people who care about you and we want you in our lives. What would I do without my little brother? You bring so much joy to me, Nana. And Renjun, he cares so much about you and could go to the moon for you, Johnny too. Jeno, Nana, you can’t forget him, he loves you so much. It’s impossible not to, you’re amazing”.

“You’re leaving in a few days, Jaehyun”.

“I won’t if you need me. Fuck it, you’re more important than any degree”.

“I won’t take that from you”. 

Jaemin feels like fainting, knees wobbling and Jaehyun picks him up, starts climbing the stairs up his room until he feels his back meeting the mattress, closes his eyes immediately where tears tickle his skin. Jaehyun stays next to him, another night spent puking, unconscious and fainting on the toilet.

Jeno comes in the early morning, holds his hair back as his stomach contracts painfully and out of his mouth, snot and tears mixed in his face and he feels so ashamed. What has he become, he can’t recognize his own thoughts or what his drugged state wants anymore, just falls apart on Jeno’s chest, feels a towel gently cleaning his face.

The next days seem unreal, sweating, screaming, waking up from nightmares and crying from the strain of eating the food Jeno patiently feeds him with a closed stomach. He’s been skipping school and almost fears he’d lose the year with his poor attendance, migraines breaking through his skull.

One day Jeno comes into his bedroom, curls next to him on the bed. He looks tired, smiling when he leans down to kiss him. They haven’t in a while, Jaemin looks barely alive and he’s been avoiding intimacy in any form. It’s a miracle he at least hugs Jeno to sleep, his body a furnace compared to his icy skin. Jaemin is underweight, wears three shirts and still shivers sickly and that alone is enough to visit a doctor. He smiles back, because Jeno looks so hopeful, there’s an odd glint he follows, and tries to kiss him back.

“It’s over, Jaemin. The Lia thing, we don’t have to worry. We’re keeping a copy of the files, just to be careful. You already know he can’t do anything”. Jeno traces his fingers where Jaemin’s cheekbone is prominent, lacking any lively color and fullness. “You need to tell me who gave you all that cocaine, that’s the last thing I need to know”.

“It was a gift at first”. Jaemin looks down, clutches more at the thick blanket thrown over his body. “Then I always got it from myself, my dad”.

“Who? I know you’re lying. Jaemin I need to know, you always said you never wanted to try”.

Jaemin presses closer, tries to find more warmth because he keeps shivering, threads his fingers in Jeno’s black hair, always soft and tickling his skin. Jeno is still the same, just sadder, and Jaemin is the reason behind it. He’s been hurting Jeno too much recently, he owes him an answer. His lips graze the shell of his ear, lashes closed and touching his cheeks as he whispers. “Chenle. But he didn’t mean anything bad”.

When you’re as thin as Jaemin is now, a grip like Jeno’s feels ten times stronger, head burying in his shoulder. “Thank you”. He whispers back, and from the pattern of his breath Jaemin knows he’s crying. He rolls them over, shifts on top of Jeno to frame his face and kiss him, shaping lips the way they used to. It’s sad, but Jaemin knows there’s still a sparkle there, one stronger than their messed up bodies and minds.

Jeno kisses back, hands sliding through his shoulder blades, his spine and under his shirt, and Jaemin hisses. He looks worried, opening immediately his eyes and Jaemin chuckles briefly, shaking his head as he takes one hand back under his clothes.

“It’s just very cold”.

Jeno looks outside, sun still beating strongly and hot despite being full autumn, glancing back sweetly at Jaemin. “Let me warm you up”.

“I’m too weak to do anything, I’m sorry”. Jaemin pouts, face grimacing with sadness but Jeno laughs, kissing him again.

“I meant a hug, silly”.

Jeno wants to rip his uniform off, heated and holding a folder with all the letters printed again, furious steps until he walks in the basketball field, where the lockers are. He doesn’t feel an ounce of self control when he pushes Chenle strongly against the lockers, damp orange hair and eyes wide realizing it is him being violent. Jeno is never one for conflict, always avoiding it but this time Jaemin is hurting, and he can’t think straight when he screams.

“The fuck do you have in that rotten mind of yours?”.

From the look Chenle gives him Jeno knows he understands, sighing and looking over some of his mates mentioning his head to leave them alone.

“If this is for Jaemin, let me tell you that-”.

“I don’t wanna hear it, you fucking gave him that shit and now he’s falling apart because of it”. Jeno pushes the folder on the boy’s chest, lockers trembling behind him with how harsh his movements are. “I have the original files, don’t you dare touch Jaemin ever again or these are out since you all love threatening people so much”.

He knows he has to protect Lia and Donghyuck but there’s nothing that can stop his anger but this. Chenle starts to read, eyes trembling and he looks genuinely confused. He looks terrified when he looks up, flipping through the other letters.

“Jeno, are these real?”.

“They are, Jaemin and I found these, it was a mistake. You’re future father in law fucks with a fourteen year old, I’m sure you don’t want everyone to know. Stay away from Jaemin”.

He scatters the papers on the floor, Chenle standing still and mouth gaping in shock. He figures he didn’t know, but if the way they keep saying rich families always protect each other and their dirty business, the younger won’t speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sad... this chapter is an emotional rollercoaster and i hate to see jaemin hurting
> 
> thank you if you're reading this and taking your time to read my longggg chapters.  
> i really get lost into ideas and scenes so they turn into many words, and if you're still here, it means a lot. <3


	5. diamond

Chenle keeps the fork lingering around his lips, teeth nipping harsh silver. He focuses on his mother’s chatter, plates moving and everyone else eating and enjoying dinner. He can’t stop thinking about those words, pages crumpled and turning thinner from ruining them in his hands. The hold around his fork is sweaty, loose. Their dining room’s chandelier shines too brightly on his unfocused eyes, staring blankly somewhere where the windows reflect the happy scenery at the table.

“Right, Chenle?”.

He slightly gapes, his fork back on the table and he looks at Mr. Park who apparently asked him a question. Chenle is thankful for Jisung, long fingers threading in his hair and a gentle smile to him before he turns to his father.

“Of course, Lele is coming with us next week”.

Jisung moves his fingers to cup Chenle’s cheek, gives him a second look before turning back to his food and their parents planning winter holidays for them to spend all together. Chenle can’t be bothered eating, nor is too excited for the holidays when he has this new piece of information changing completely the way he sees his boyfriend’s father.

Truth is, Chenle kind of tried to dig around Jisung’s house the past days, find something that could make sense of all the madness. He’s sure Jaemin knows more, but he can’t get close to him without Jeno probably throwing hands or worse, exposing Jisung. Jaemin has been weird for some time now, he concludes. If it was for Mr. Park alone he’d probably already do something, but Jeno knew what he was risking when he told him. Jeno can’t threaten his father’s business, it also involves Jaemin and this was the only thing left for him. He’s also not sure Jaemin knows what he’s doing.

He’s uncomfortable, sharing a few smiles and barely participating in their conversation, holding Jisung’s hand under the table.

Jaemin fixes his loose tie, a look down his messy notes. Minsuh has been sharing some glances his way frequently in the next hour, explaining the test procedure for tomorrow. There’s a Christmas tree decorated in their classroom, lights sparkling in the bare space and an upcoming party at Chenle’s house next month he doesn’t have the mood to attend. He has to since it is another event for families to show off, and no matter his coming out he’s sure his family wants him there.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas, despite colorful lights and even his father mentioning the plans he has to spend their break. They don’t really talk, the man mentioning how Jaemin was intoxicated and confused that night, Jaemin doesn’t have the will to fight anymore or confirm again he in fact likes boys. He can count on his brother and mother by his side, he can close an eye and ignore everything until he graduates. It sucks, of course, Jaemin kept crying and shaking from anger for longer than he likes to admit, and maybe also avoided Jeno who seems nervous these days.

He’s biting his fingers absently when he notices the class is empty, everyone going back home after the last hour of school for today, and Minsuh has taken a chair to sit across from him on his small desk. 

“How are you, sweet?”. She asks, calmly taking Jaemin’s hand to stop ruining his fingers with his teeth, holding it in hers. They’re alone and even if they weren’t, by now everyone knows Jaemin and Jeno are dating. It’s not a surprise to see Mrs. Lee checking up on him, especially after fainting at school which had him walking around the corridor hearing whispers about him. 

Reason why he’s usually the first to escape out of the building or the last one, he feels uncomfortable under all those stares trying to uncomplicate him. 

“Tired, if you want me to be honest”.

“Come home with me? I think Jeno is studying, he won’t mind”. Her eyes wrinkle with a smile, awfully similar to Jeno and he feels safe under the motherly hands fixing his messy hair. “Are you guys okay?”.

“Yeah, it’s just”. Jaemin sighs, starts moving some pens back in his bag because he still hasn't moved a finger to leave. “I don’t know”.

Jaemin ends up following Minsuh home, he’s comfortable around the woman. They talk about exams, and if Jaemin needs some rest he should take it even at the cost of missing a few more days of school. He doesn’t look any better, and more subtly he does go out and get high when the itching comes back stronger. Jeno can tell, and they don’t really talk about it. At least Jaemin tries to ignore it every time Jeno speaks up, and maybe they’ve been fighting more frequently and none of them like conflict so they end up upset and avoiding the other.

He finds the courage to just open Jeno’s bedroom door, sees him reading a book on his bed. He can tell Jeno really wasn’t expecting him with the look in his eyes, uptight as he straightens his back. Jaemin keeps his hands in his pockets, avoids looking at him and focuses everywhere else in the room.

“Your mother asked me to come here, I can’t really say no to her”.

“You’re not forced to do anything”. Jeno huffs, there’s the sound of a flipping page.

“I wanted to come”. Jaemin thinks it is absurd feeling so vulnerable pressing his knee on the mattress, nervous for Jeno pushing him away. Jeno pats the space next to him. He’s unsure of everything, has been hurting the older too much and he’d understand if the other doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

He sits next to Jeno, hands folding in his crossed legs. Jaemin finally stares at him, cheek smashed on his left shoulder as support for his heavy head. 

“If you want to break up you can tell me. I know I’m making you sad, it’s all on me”.

Jeno looks at him, no glint in his eyes, it’s been too long since he last saw that. He also seems angered, despite answering calmly. “Do you want to?”.

Jaemin doesn’t know. He’s damaging himself with his own hands, kept getting high after him and Chenle tried it together, yet the first thing Jeno did was protect him. He risked, threatening Chenle with something no one should know they’ve been keeping for months, and all of this because his first thought is Jaemin, always, no matter how much he fucks up.

Jaemin’s eyes are teary when he starts shaking his head. “I don’t”.

“Come here”.

Jeno’s hair is soft, and so are his pillows when he rests his head there, eyes closed and hugging Jeno. He doesn’t feel relief, aware the tension will grow soon again with how troubled their relationship is, but right now there’s nothing else he wants but to take care of Jeno the same way the other has been doing for months.

Jaemin’s body is weak, albeit he shifts so Jeno can rest to his chest, kissing his jaw. The way Jeno’s neck cranes is warm, trusting when Jaemin presses his lips there, fingers tracing the line of his spine. He likes to feel Jeno close, especially now their minds are so distracted, not in tune as much as they like to believe they are. His skin’s texture under him is the only thing that’s still real and close.

“I miss you, Nana”.

“I’m here”. 

“Are you really?”. 

Jaemin brings Jeno closer by his nape and looks up the ceiling, shutting eyes only to swallow down that painful lump in his throat. His lungs are on fire, and he slowly focuses on the way Jeno’s hair smells of a sweet shampoo he’s switched to recently, hair tickling his nose. Jeno’s body is firm, but right now his waist feels so thin around his palms and the shirt fabric, sliding until he claps his fingers together around it like he’s done too many times.

“I’m sorry”.

They share some kisses for the next hour. Most of them don’t feel quite right, Jaemin breathing heavily and tries to give meaning in the way his tongue looks for Jeno’s, more pliant and mingling warm air on their faces. Their lips twirling together are loud, and Jaemin really tries to roam his hands down the lines of Jeno’s abs, to circle one of his legs between him so they're closer. Jeno reacts, of course he does, currently moving against his leg in a slow friction, a few sounds escaping his lips, none of them really doing anything. They’re not enjoying it, and he feels uncomfortable from the way Jeno is really trying to make it work.

Jaemin pulls, biting his bottom lip as he looks at Jeno fluttering his eyelashes and stares at him. The older makes a small laugh, not really a happy one but it’s better than nothing, hiding his head in the crook of his neck.

“It’s not working, right? Sorry”. Jaemin whispers, sighing and maybe he’s also embarrassed.

“I like it”. Jeno starts, curling his fingers around his shoulders, nails digging lightly it makes Jaemin shiver. “It’s just that you’re not happy, and I don’t want to make you do something when you’re not, like back at your pool, it wasn’t really you and I was stupid for not understanding. My body reacts according to what you feel, and right now it’s not right”.

“I still want you, please don’t think I don’t”. 

“You’re not even-”. Jeno sighs, looks down to his body where there’s no sign of a hint of arousal and Jaemin turns away, uneasy. “It’s all the shit you take Jaemin, you need to stop”.

“Can’t we talk about something else?”. Jaemin sounds distressed when he says it, and Jeno shows he really loves him because he insists, this is something he can’t ignore. Jeno can’t indulge him with this.

“No, not this time”. Jeno raises his voice, the same conversation happening too often to have patience. “You’re killing yourself, give it a break”. Jeno almost rips his own hair with the tight grip around them he makes when he gets up. “Don’t you understand I’m here for you, and I’m going to help you? Don’t you understand I love you and I can’t ignore it anymore?”.

Jaemin’s bottom lip trembles, folding his arms to protect him from nothing but his foolish addiction. Jeno is the one actually protecting him. Someone needs to be rough and tell him the truth, and it already hurts when Renjun is completely mad at him he doesn’t even speak a word to him when they meet at school.

Jeno sits again on the bed, frees Jaemin’s hands to hold them. “I won’t forgive myself if anything happens to you”.

“It’s hard, Jeno, I’m trying”. Jaemin presses the palm of his hands to his eyes, sore and pouding with his migraine. He makes a groan, sounding more like a distressed scream, feeling Jeno getting closer, nose bumping his.

“I believe you, but you need to try harder. I’ll help, I can stay attached to you all the time and you’re probably going to hate me and not wanting to have anything to do with me after all. It’s worth it, even if we end up breaking up but I want to help you get out of it”.

Jaemin never hesitates to trust him, and accepts whatever Jeno asks, already worried for the consequences.

“Can’t we just wait until I finish my tests? I know you hate the idea of me getting high but I need it to keep going or I’ll fail. You’re seeing how I get without it”.

“Jaemin”.

“I want to be honest with you”. Jaemin raises his shoulders, an apologetic look. “It’s just a few days. And it will be the last time, I promise you”.

Jeno seems reluctant but he gives in at the end, not letting him go anywhere for now, bringing both of them back to bed, just resting there silently until Jeno’s mother comes to check on them knocking at the door later. From the way she looks slightly anxious, Jaemin can tell she at least heard them screaming, hopefully none of their words were loud enough to connect the dots.

Jeno touches Jaemin’s nose, blood dripping in his fingers and the younger sighs again, sprinting to the bathroom in weird rushes of shivers and knees wobbling to the sink. Jeno hugs him from behind, not even blood keeping him away, and Jaemin wishes he would be more selfish and careless to do so. He counts on Jeno’s words, he will help. But he doesn’t trust their relationship enough through this.

Jeno keeps his nose pressed to a towel, helps him keep his wrists under cold water, cutting through his skin with the icy temperature. He’s not sure he could bear the pain of letting Jeno go.

“You’ve been weird all day”. Jisung shifts on the bed so he can face Chenle, crossed arms and a small huff. “And yesterday too, you’re so distracted”.

Chenle can’t look at Jisung without spilling everything, he’s not a good liar and under his familiar and worried gaze he’s sure there’s nothing Jisung can’t get. So he stares at the walls of his bedroom, impossibly feeling the younger reach closer. A warm hand on his stomach, up and down his shirt until his fingers curl in a loose hold.

“Why are you friends with Lia?”. 

Chenle turns to look at Jisung, the other cupping his cheek to do so. He’s frowning, confused and makes a small chuckle, kissing the tip of his nose.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous”. The flash of mirth disappears immediately, Chenle not smiling back and avoiding his gaze. “Mh, we have dance classes together every day, she spoke to me first saying she supported us and… I don’t know? Because she’s nice?”.

“Fuck”. Chenle turns his shoulders facing Jisung, one distressed combing of his hair. “Jisung?”.

“Lele I’m getting worried”.

“You know I can’t hide anything from you, right?”. Chenle glances briefly back, Jisung already pressing closer to hug him, years spent together to know how they are around each other, always predicting the next move. He’s sure Jisung is going to freak out, to suddenly act weird and that specifically scares Chenle. He can’t hide it from him, Jisung is the one deserving the most to know what his father does behind his and his mother’s backs. “Promise me you’ll try your best to stay calm”.

“Are you going to be there for me?”. 

Chenle allows himself to give him a reassuring smile, fingers in the fading dark pink hair, Jisung naturally closing his lashes pleased. “Don’t even question it”.

“Then I can promise you”.

Out of all reactions, when Chenle sees Jisung’s face completely crumbling reading the letters, silence is the last thing he expected. Chenle was ready for some anxious tray of thoughts, Jisung spinning around the room nervous and panicking as he does whenever they fight or there’s something wrong happening with school or less manageable situations. 

He’s completely silent, only some rushed breaths and his nails digging in the paper and cutting a whole with his finger. Jisung starts holding Chenle’s hand at some point, and cries when his forehead meets the older’s shoulder, shaking containing his sobs. 

“I thought things were working again with mom and dad”. He whispers, voice broken by another whimper and Chenle’s heart gets smaller with every sad breath. “How did you find these?”.

“Want me to be very honest?”. Chenle doesn’t really want to make it worse, hoping the younger is going to say no.

“Yes”.

He wipes some tears at the corner of Jisung’s eyes, biting his bottom lip. Should he mention who knows about it? Jaemin and Jisung are friends after all, he’s sure the older is fond of him but maybe all the kindness was to find more clues. And knowing Jisung he’s sure he already feels his friendship with Lia has nothing to do with him being the best person anyone could get to have close. 

“I was threatened with it. Don’t worry, that person won’t say anything. They’re doing to protect someone I unintentionally hurt, and I already feel like shit for it”.

“Who is it? I don’t care Chenle, you can tell me”.

“You care. It’s Jeno, you know the whole cocaine business of our dads, and Jaemin using it”. 

“You should have never gifted him anything”. Jisung’s eyes are red, stained with tears and cheeks pinking. “Jaemin is very sick now, he looks like a walking ghost”.

“I know”. Chenle’s voice cracks as well, there’s not a day he doesn’t regret it. “I was stupid, we both were very stupid. I promised you I won’t do it again”.

Chenle frames Jisung’s face with his palms, watches his bottom lip wobbling nervously. “Jisung, you need to help us. What is it that your father might want from Lia?”.

“We can’t, Chenle. I’d lose everything, and my father, this is so new to me I had no idea-”. Jisung starts crying again, clinging almost painfully at Chenle who tells him gently to calm down, they can fix it. He’s not too sure they can but he needs Jisung to be rational.

It’s after more tears and some tissues spread all over the sheets that Jisung mentions the old building his father wanted to work with Mr. Lee and the very unfortunate accident covered with an unspoken grief that apparently it’s still there. Chenle has the whole picture, remembers when Jisung was troubled hearing his father screaming at the phone with the other man, the younger saying Donghyuck’s father was having a hard time dealing with their mistake and wanted them to hire a good lawyer and fix things the honest way.

Jeno walks through the school basketball field, cold air making him cling in his jacket more, stuffy with the thick sweater underneath still giving him shivers. It’s a nice day outside, and Jaemin is somewhere that would make him mad and argue again with him. He’s here, soaking the timid sun and getting a reason to distract himself. 

They had their last exams before the winter break, and the next few days of school will just be there to attend and maybe have a recap of the first semester. 

He stops to stare at some students playing, recognizing the bright orange of Chenle’s hair running and sweating in a red shirt, high fiving a guy from his team when they score a point. Jeno doesn’t know a thing about basketball, only following the quick movements made with ease to throw the orange ball and score.

Jisung finds him from the stands, walking next to him sinking in a scarf hiding half of his face. He looks tired, his youthful glint disappearing behind a tired glance his way, pressing against the cold railings together.

He asks about Jaemin, he sees that coming. The two got oddly closer, every possible intention of befriending Jaemin for Lia left to the older actually adoring him. 

“I think he’s ignoring me”.

Jeno shakes his head, sighing. “He’s ignoring everyone. Don’t worry”.

“You look about to cry every time I see you. I am worried”. 

Jeno lifts the corner of his mouth in a desolated smile. He looks miserable, they all do. 

Renjun has a permanent frown walking and ignoring every single one of them, albeit Jeno knows him well enough to know he carries a lot of pain by avoiding Jaemin specifically. None of them really talk, Jaemin only mentioned some harsh words they shared a few days earlier and no one is really brave enough to stop and be reasonable. 

Jaemin, no need to say anything when he’s probably getting high and slipped away before Jeno could even take him home. Then there’s all the threatening he did to Chenle and now his boyfriend is talking to him because at the end of all this incredible mess, they’re all friends. Things are shit, horrible and creepy from any point of view and they’re all protecting each other. No one is sure from what exactly anymore.

“I’m sorry for Jaemin, and for you. It’s my fault and I can’t do anything about it, and it is all because of-”. Jisung takes a rushed breath, looking away from Jeno. “The drugs, yeah, because of that”.

Could it be possible that Jisung knows about Mr. Park? He’s weird, has lost all the usual glint in the way he speaks to Jeno he finds adorable. Jisung looks too serious, and yes, it might be because they’re talking about Jaemin’s cocaine addiction but it can’t be only that; otherwise Jisung wouldn’t be blaming himself for something he can’t control.

“Your fault?”. Jeno is careful. “How can it possibly be?”.

Jisung shrugs his shoulders, uneasy. “I don’t know, like, I knew Chenle and Jaemin got high and I didn’t stop them”.

“Is there something else you want to tell me, Jisung?”. Jeno makes a small chuckle, Jisung is a terrible liar. He wraps an arm around the younger’s shoulder, squeezing him in a brief hug. He can’t get mad. Jisung, as far as he knows, has a good relationship with his father and he can’t even imagine how disappointed and sad he must be. He can’t blame him for staying quiet, trying to protect a man shaping into something you suddenly can’t recognize anymore.

Jeno shares a mean glare with Chenle when Jisung greets him after practice, hands fast to intertwine together when the other turns. He doesn’t seem angry, just entirely defeated.

To: Renjun

hey  
i’m sure jisung knows

“At your party we said it was our last time”. 

Renjun moans, full lips nipping his collarbones and three fingers busy inside him, pushing the soft honey locks closer to his chest, straddling firm thighs and sweating with his head thrown back. 

“We say it all the time, give it a break, Huang”. Donghyuck looks up at him, tanned skin glowing under daylight, helping each other out of stress in the glass door terrace. 

Renjun voices a choked curse sinking down Donghyuck’s shaft, helping himself and watching the beautiful space full of nature around them as he adjusts better on the boy, gripping at his shoulders. They’re surrounded by plants, the room extremely hot and burning with drops of sweat forming where his calves and thighs meet being folded and sitting on the other’s lap.

Donghyuck’s lips are soft, both awfully slow despite the quite heated start. Renjun is nervous, and he hates that his emotions easily brought him here when the boy he only wants to kiss even when he’s been asked out by many other people is the last person he should be seeing. He always crawls back to Donghyuck.

An unwanted on and off fuck with benefits that he caught feelings for a lot longer than when they started this is not the healthiest person Renjun could want. It’s not really about his most likely unrequited feelings that matter. Renjun knows too much, things always about to slip out of his tongue whenever Donghyuck’s tongue swallows his words. 

He stops to breathe, pressed to Donghyuck’s chest that has the same fast heartbeat. Renjun saw the message, his phone thrown behind them and if his eyesight is not betraying him, it means Jisung found out about his father.

“What’s going on with you today?”. Donghyuck holds his face. Always too careful and it’s so unfair. “We can stop and do something else”.

“Huh?”. Renjun grinds back, the white fabric of the loveseat right in the middle of the room darkening with their sweat, another whine escaping his pressed lips. “No, maybe if we”. He shifts with his back pressing to the couch, slides his hands to Donghyuck’s hips and gets him closer. “Like this”.

They keep going, Donghyuck keeping a way too gentle hand pressed to his cheek, Renjun’s eyes flutter with each slow thrust. 

“Who texted you before? You’re being weird since then”. 

Renjun’s chest stutters at every exhale, shaking his head. “It’s nothing”.

“You know I can do a lot more other than this”. Donghyuck pants, both slowing down again because today nothing seems to be working, they’ve been lingering around the other and soaking their naked bodies for hours. “I also have a very good brain, we can talk, you can rant about how bad I am in bed. As an example, a very unlikely one”.

This time Renjun makes a chuckle at Donghyuck’s ridiculous wink, leaning in to a blind kiss at his upper lip. “You just want me to say you’re good. Annoying”.

Compared to his body dripping sweat, Donghyuck’s warm kisses at his jaw are nice, humming at every press of lips. “But is it?”.

He nods, gaping at their lazy sex and distracted by Donghyuck finding a way to make his thighs tremble he misses his phone ringing. Renjun feels the other stopping abruptly, afraid to open his eyes.

“Renjun”. Donghyuck’s voice drops, finding him sitting in front of him and holding his phone. “What does it mean?”.

Renjun bites his lips. Donghyuck looks hurt, very, and it worries him more than what Jeno might have sent. 

“We need to talk, Hyuck”. Renjun starts moving around the room, jittery and looking for his clothes.

From: Jeno

about lia and mr park  
renjun?  
don’t leave me on read  
we need to know if he’s going to speak

Renjun explains. It hurts, his body throbbing with pain and shaky hands watching Donghyuck’s face turning angry, sad, disappointed. The look he gives him is so cold Renjun feels nauseous. Of course it makes no sense to try and explain they were protecting him, the fact that nothing is out or reported speaks ahead of any excuse.

Renjun feels guilty, he should have talked before. Him out of all people, fooling around with Donghyuck with a heavy heart for both reasons. No attempt to say he cares about him matters, not when he didn’t protect Donghyuck and told him before.

“Jaemin has a copy of everything, you said”. Donghyuck curls on his seat, flinching when Renjun tries to lay a hand on top of his knee and he wants to cry. “How can I be sure he won’t give it in the wrong hands?”.

“He’s been keeping it for months now, Jeno too.”. Renjun sighs, messes up his hair in a painful hold. “And you’re seeing him these days, he barely has the strength to breathe”.

“If this is the reason why he became like that, he deserves it”.

“Donghyuck-”.

“No”. Donghyuck makes a bitter laugh, standing up from the couch. “You don’t have the right to tell me how to feel. You’re all dead to me, do you understand?”.

Renjun starts to cry, looking down at his watery view and hands clasping to keep it together. “We wanted to fix this without involving our families. There’s too much happening, you know it better than us. Do you really want the old business with Mr. Park and your dad to be opened again? I know someone died, and you covered it up. It was dangerous and it’s not an excuse, but you need to understand all of us”.

“Jaemin has child pornography and a fucking illegal relationship and manipulation from an old man and it’s with my sister”. Donghyuck screams, grateful no one is home right now.

Renjun is sobbing, shaking his head frantically. “Lia knows what Jisung’s father is doing, she’s keeping track of him”.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because you’re not doing a good job”. 

“No”. Renjun looks up, lump in his throat so thick he keeps uselessly swallowing. “But she’s not a fool, and I’m sorry for everything that’s happening to her. She’s protecting your family”.

“That’s not her job”. Donghyuck sits back on the couch, next to Renjun and he’s pressing his lips so hard he can see them whitening from the pressure. “But you can do something for me. I-”. Donghyuck has one tear down his cheek, breaking his angry features for a second to the most broken expression Renjun has ever seen. “Are you aware it is over between us, right?”.

Renjun closes his eyes, feels tears nestling where all his weary days of keeping the secret have led to this. He bites the inside of his cheek, only nodding once.

“At least help me get Jaemin’s flash drive. You owe me, Renjun, all of you”.

“I will”. Renjun doesn’t have it to look at Donghyuck one last time, running outside the house until his knees give up and he starts sobbing again, scraping skin to the freezing asphalt and nose red and running with his tears and the biting cold of December.

Jaemin raises his eyebrows, breaking his pale frowning when he sees Jisung standing at Jeno’s door, watching - and feeling the younger stealing him in a tight hug.

He’s not sure if Jeno knows, nor if it is appropriate to let him in when he’s staying at his boyfriend’s house for more than a week now, feeling worse every day. He’s going to keep the promise, isn’t taking anything poisoning for his body and he’s staying with Jeno and his mother. Minsuh is leaving for a week and they had to convince her they’re going to be fine spending Christmas alone.

Jaemin is sure he looks worrying, there’s not enough layers of clothes or naps that can help the itching and trembling that keeps growing impossibly unbearable instead of fading. Abstinence is worse than any side effect his addiction gave him, barely standing the cold air coming from outside. Jeno is buying groceries and he’s sure he won’t mind Jisung coming inside.

“I might get sick as we speak. I’m sorry you have to see me like this”.

“I’m glad Jeno is forcing you, to be honest”. Jisung stares at his glass of water, covered in an elegant black coat and Jaemin wonders if he’s passing by from other plans. He takes out two letters, too familiar and he already knows what’s coming. 

Jaemin totally forgot the watch line Mr. Park is launching, and of course they’re all invited. He’s sure his family already received one, maybe Jisung only visited to check on him. And it makes sense, Jaemin disappeared, made an agreement with their teachers to skip school after exams were over. Minsuh knows, him and Jeno didn’t say directly why he’s like this but he figures it is obvious when she has him under her roof all day and found some open tabs in her laptop about drug abuse.

“You don’t have to come, Jaem. Only if you feel like it”.

Jaemin opens the letter, reads the neat printed calligraphy striking on pale purple paper. 

“I think it could be good for Jeno, having some frivolities”. Jaemin gives Jisung a smile, tired to even stretch his lips in something else that doesn’t look like pain and sweat. “Please find a way to let him attend even if I can’t, mh?”.

Jaemin slumps abruptly towards the table, head spinning too much, and Jisung is quick to grab him by his shoulders and rub his back. “Maybe you should rest, your room?”.

He shakes his head, getting up by himself but his legs shake and he needs to lie down before he can get sick again. “The couch is fine”.

Jisung stays, the tv on to a random documentary that bores them to the point where the younger gets sleepy and Jaemin falls asleep, eyes livid under his long eyelashes. Jisung almost feels bad to do this on his back, while he’s in such a state. He’s confused, still taking in every new information and he wants to see how much Jaemin knows. 

He has to be quick, not knowing how long Jeno will be out and if the older has a file to print the letters he gave Chenle, they must be keeping them somewhere. He finds Jeno’s room and is careful to keep everything in place and untouched when he finds the flash drive. Jisung feels even worse when he leaves, probably Jaemin won’t remember, forgetting he left letters for his father’s party. They’ll eventually find out he has it.

Jaemin wakes up, curls on the couch and a blanket as he mindlessly watches a talk show. Everything happens around him but his brain feels clouded, biting his cuticles until he tastes blood on his tongue, unaware of the door opening. He catches Jeno’s body gel mixed with the smells of life happening outside; dust, smog, the soft press of cold lips on his cheek.

Jeno smooths his mussy blonde hair, roots significantly growing and softer than the bleached ends. He’s standing behind him on the couch, grocery bags on the floor. 

“Hungry?”. Another soft graze at his cheek. Jeno has been attentive, leaving him alone today for a few hours is a rare occasion since he basically moved with him and his mother. 

He glances back where Jeno is, holds his hand back to his face, really tries his best to smile and let him know after all the pain he’s going through right now, he’s thankful.

“I can cook”. 

Jaemin is obviously not in the right conditions or mindset to make them dinner, sitting on a stool to look over the boiling pot, watching Jeno setting the table. He’s nauseous, all the time, feeling ashamed for showing this part of him to the older who doesn’t seem to mind, always waking up and following him at night in the bathroom to push his hair back and pick him up back to sleep.

Or the nightmares, he has many of those. Shaking, crying or desperately asking Jeno to do something, always grabbing the tiniest bit of rationality to never blame the boy, despite his brain almost screaming the meanest things whenever his withdrawal really brings him to the filthiest grounds of his selfishness.

Jaemin has completely lost himself, sometimes hearing Jeno or Minsuh calling his name doesn’t make it quite like they’re addressing him. There’s an arm circling around his waist, a large hoodie of Jeno sinking in his thin figure. He’s holding two purple letters, taking Jaemin’s hand in another.

“Another party?”.

Jaemin blinks twice, he almost thought he dreamed about Jisung and he never really came here. He makes a confused noise, opening the letter with his shaky fingers struggling and Jeno catches it, frowning when he notices all the bites and dried blood there. He kisses the back of his hand, and then lingers his lips again for long on his temple, sighing.

“Jisung wants you to come. He cares about it”.

“Let’s see how you’re going to feel”. 

“Your life can’t depend on me. It would be good for you to spend a careless night”.

Jaemin presses his nose on Jeno’s neck, hugging him properly. He’s not sure if it’s for his own thinned frame, but Jeno is so firm, arms stronger each time he slides through them, always warm and welcoming no matter how much he fucks up. He slips a “I love you”, recently sounding more a way to ground himself, and to remind Jeno he truly does.

And Jeno always says it back, leaning to the stove still with Jaemin curled on his body to stir the food in the pot, steaming air making him shiver.

“I’m not sure I’m hungry, I feel sick”. Jaemin mumbles, apologetic voice when he looks up to a calmer Jeno, shaking his head with a mention of a smile.

“It’s okay, but you need to eat something later”. Jeno turns off the stove and takes his hand to walk over the living room. “We can cuddle for a while, how does it sound?”.

“Good”. Jaemin smiles, tripping a few times on his steps but it’s okay. Today is not as hopeless.

They lay on the couch, Jaemin stretched next to Jeno’s body as they share some lazy kisses. He touches Jeno’s hair, twirling them around his fingers and smacks his chapped lips when Jeno licks them. He probably tastes terrible and dry but he hums happily slipping a hand under his shirt, the other one still busy in thick black hair.

Jaemin dozes off like that, mouth pressed to Jeno’s jaw and slightly open, a palm spread on his stomach. Jeno doesn’t really mind to see him sleep so much, listening to the fast heartbeat beating on his own chest. Visually, Jaemin probably looks worse than a few weeks ago. He’s all edgy bones whenever he touches, cold sweat and pleading tears when it gets bad.

Today Jaemin seems peaceful after days of struggling and tearing up whenever the younger one wasn't looking, and when he spots Renjun sending some fast texts making Jaemin’s phone buzz continuously Jeno decides they had enough. 

He focuses on the gentle slope of Jaemin’s nose breathing warm air to his exposed skin where the collar of the shirt is pulled down, Jaemin’s hand sinking down with his breaths; it’s sweaty, loosely spread over him but it’s Jaemin’s. 

Jaemin’s phone starts ringing and Jeno really fears he’s awake when he shifts and complains in his sleep, hugging a couch pillow instead of him. Jeno is quick to grab the phone, running up the stairs to answer.

“Renjun, give him a break I beg you”.

“I need your damn flash drive, Jaemin is the one who has it”.

Jeno frowns, catching how distressed and hoarse Renjun’s voice is. “I have it”.

“I fucked up, Jeno”. Renjun sobs, hears a slam of a fist or a door from the other side, he can’t tell. “And if there’s something I can still do is to have that fucking flash drive”. 

“Where are you? Renjun, what do you mean you fucked up?”.

Jeno goes for the drawer where he’s been keeping the flash drive all this time, hesitating when he doesn’t find it there. Maybe Jaemin moved it somewhere when he wasn’t home, albeit he has no reason to do it. Jeno is trying to avoid anything that could trigger him, and he’s going to be upset if Jaemin went through it alone. Still, Jaemin looks better today so maybe he didn’t and he was the one moving it somewhere he can’t remember right now because Renjun is heavy breathing and keeps nervously asking.

“Renjun what did you do?”. There’s a long pause, Renjun’s breathing occupying the line.

“Donghyuck knows, I’m sorry, he saw your texts today and-”.

“Renjun are you serious?”.

“He won’t speak to me ever again, I need that damn pen Jeno. Jaemin is sick, we can’t have anything without the weight of this situation ruining us and I can’t breathe, please”.

He spots Jaemin leaning at the door, and from the slow blinking of his lashes he can tell he’s dizzy. He guides him to the bed, threads a hand to cup his cheek.

“Baby, did you move the flash drive somewhere else?”. 

Jaemin shakes his head, gets up to check himself the same spot Jeno went for and is not there. He tells him he didn’t move it, nor Minsuh because she never touches Jeno’s things and he generally cleans his own room.

Jeno sighs, punching the desk and it startles Jaemin, already feeling guilty and he sends an apologetic look at the boy. 

“Renjun, I’m sorry”. Jeno bites his lip, can’t stand Renjun crying and Jaemin’s confused look all at the same time. “I think someone stole it today”.

“Who?”. Asks distressed Renjun and Jaemin widens his eyes, cursing.

“Jisung”. He whispers, and Jeno wants to beat his head somewhere seeing how jittery the younger gets. Today was supposed to be peaceful for him, hell, they were all supposed to move on at least for one day, at least until Jaemin will actually get better.

“Jisung has it? Are you crazy? What is he doing with it and how did he get it-”.

“Calm down, he’s definitely taken it to protect his father”. Jeno keeps checking on Jaemin, knees under his chin and nails digging in his skin and teeth striking together. “Renjun, I need to hang up”.

Jeno slides his hands on his face strongly before holding Jaemin’s hands to stop hurting himself. “It’s okay, Jaem, it’s not your fault”.

“It is!”. He screams, the sound of it making Jeno scared. “Always my fault, if I wasn’t a fucking addict, always loopy and ruining all the lives I touch, maybe if I die I’m making everyone a favor”.

“Stop, please Jaemin don’t say it ever again”. Jeno cries, that being the last thing he needed to hear before exploding. His brain is filled with dread of how unexpected everything Jaemin can do these days is. He’s afraid, and now Donghyuck knows and no one can tell how he’s going to react, he’s not brave enough to ask Renjun anything.

“Sorry, I know, sorry it slipped”. Jaemin hugs Jeno, both sniffling and they’re so fed up with all the sadness, the fighting, screams not only them but also Jeno’s mother hears daily. “I won’t say it again”.

“We talked about this”.

“I know, sorry baby, I’m sorry”. Jaemin looks back at the empty drawer, sighing. “I fell asleep before because I felt sick and I think that’s when Jisung came up here”.

“We can’t blame him. He’s scared, probably wants to protect his father before he can’t understand what is going on. How does he know we have proofs”.

“I did something stupid”. Says Jeno, watching him hesitating and choosing words in his head, albeit Jaemin can already anticipate what’s about to come next. He knew Jeno threatened Chenle with something risky. “I showed Chenle the letters. I was mad because you got high together the first time and it was him giving it to you, so…”.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad”. Jaemin strokes his cheek, finger pressing where his mole is, right under his eye. “It’s been rough for everyone, right? I don’t want to hurt anymore”.

Jeno kisses him, thumbs pressing gently to his face. “We’re working on it”.

The next days are a blur of meaningless events for them. Jaemin is still sick, trying to do little activities in the house with the older and gain some enthusiasm. For Christmas Jaehyun visits them, that being the last time they keep their phones turned on after the older gets on his plane back to the apartment he shares with Taeyong in Los Angeles. 

It’s Jeno’s idea to let go for a while. They tell Minsuh their plans and even if she seems a bit worried they make an exception for her and use the house phone to be their only open door to communication. 

They decorate the house, light up some candles and doze off by the fireplace, make puzzles together whenever Jaemin’s hands are too nervous and jittery. Sometimes he’s distracted, cold sweat and digging nails in his skin but Jeno is always there, patiently waiting until he calms down. 

Jaemin shivers when he feels some lukewarm water mixed with soap falling down his spine, Jeno washing him with a colorful sponge in the bathtub.

He leans back to the slippery chest of the black haired boy, closed eyes and hands reaching to circle Jeno’s legs around his middle, a light smile when the other kisses his neck. They’re silently listening to the splashing of water, a few words between lots of calm breathing and it is the best Jaemin has felt in more than a month. 

His hair is almost dry, only the ones at his nape wetting up again whenever the water covering half of his body raises with their weight, a relaxed long sound leaving his lips when Jeno gives up his sponge and caresses his body instead, bringing water and bubbles up his chest. 

“You look so pretty, Nana”. Jaemin cranes his neck at the praise, Jeno’s lips glossy with a firmer press than all the water hugging them.

“Debatable”. Chuckles Jaemin at the annoyed look Jeno makes. It’s kind of rare for him to be this calm, and his body and face leave behind signs of a wrecked body slowly recovering. He’s sure he’s everything but attractive, and if Jeno sees something good in him is for his unexplainable love. Jaemin knows all Jeno feels and sees is livid skin, his sternum showing under Jeno’s digits he can clearly trace through. 

He sucks in a breath when Jeno’s fingers get down his inner thigh, one arm still around his waist. He holds Jeno’s hand, feeling his chin pressing to his hair.

“I’m not doing anything, I just wanna hold you for a bit”.

“It’s okay”. Jaemin huffs a shy laugh, they’re not used to too much intimacy anymore. It feels like a lifetime ago between nightmares and unpleasant nights spent bending over Jeno’s toilet. “Can I ask you something?”.

Jeno makes a small positive noise, fingers curling around his thigh.

“Why are you still looking after me? We’re so young, we should be basically having sex all the time and just be horny teenagers like everyone else but you’re stuck with me. You get mad every time I say I’m okay if you go with other guys to relieve stress and I’m causing you so much trouble but I really won’t be angry if you need it”.

“I have one for you then”. Jeno’s hold is tight, still loose enough to not hurt or make Jaemin uneasy. “Why didn’t you break up with me?”.

Because I care too much about you. Maybe I’m not selfish enough to let you go and I love you and it would break me apart. Because if there’s someone still taking me back to reality and to fix things it’s you — Jaemin intertwines their hands together, kisses the back of Jeno’s hand.

“See? Different questions, same answers. I don’t want to, no matter how differently I voice my thoughts I don’t want to break up with you and a relationship is never going to be all easy and fun”. 

“Not even a night with someone else? Just to see if you really need me”.

“Why are you treating yourself so poorly, Jaemin? I don’t want to, I’m here and who cares about being horny teenagers. We’re eighteen, we have plenty of time for that”.

Jaemin cuts it down, senses Jeno getting upset and it is the last thing he wants when they’re having such a nice time for once. He turns in the water to face Jeno, leans to kiss him and hold him closer. There’s some drops of water falling between their moving lips but it’s better than the salty taste of tears he’s had for too long, swallowing down a sweet noise Jeno makes.

The water is turning cold but Jeno is so warm, threading fingers in their hair and chuckling when Jaemin slips on his chest trying to settle more comfortably to hover the boy. Jeno parts his lips for him, and the next shiver he feels belongs to something completely different twisting his stomach to a good churn.

Mr. Park’s Launching of the Park’s watch line, January, 20: 54

“No, thank you”. Jeno smiles kindly at the waitress offering them champagne, then turning to Jaemin with a reassuring one, taking his hand to greet Jaemin’s mother waiting for them with a happy glint from the other side of the room. 

Tonight is crowded, buffet dinner and all dressed up bodies holding wine and mingling around the luxury space Mr. Park booked for the night. Is hard for Jaemin when even the clinking of glass triggers him from being content holding up with his sober state, watching display cases for gold watches and most of them particularly extravagant for the launching exhibition.

The wide room is largely illuminated, modern settings and velvety black tablecloths on the long buffet tables, a band playing music for the night. Jaemin feels exposed, and there’s no darkness to cover up how miserable he looks, notices the way his mother stares at him and holds him close to her side as they chat with some professors about a future Jaemin doesn’t want to think about.

“Jeno, you look handsome, dear”. She keeps his boyfriend on her left side, pinching his cheek and they both share an amused look. The woman doesn’t dare to touch alcohol next to him, Jeno too and Jaemin is utterly thankful.

“Ah Jaem, you finally got your ear pierced”. She touches the small diamond shining on his lobe, an odd request he made to Jeno one day he didn’t really want to stay home and he accompanied him to make it. He always wanted to, afraid his father would have something nasty to say about it if he did before coming out. 

It’s pretty, suits him and he’s aware Jeno likes it, making him laugh with his funny brags about having a handsome boyfriend before they left for the night. He feels confident with it and not even his father noticing before can stop him from genuinely smiling and letting his head fall on Jeno’s shoulder, walking hand in hand with his boyfriend at the party.

Someone is more surprised than others, but he’s proud and likes to let people widely understand Jeno is not just a friend, whispering close to the corner of his mouth or lingering kisses when he wants to because he can.

His mild smile falls, locking eyes with Renjun, the other turning skittishly away. They had a fight the day before, the boy still angry at him for not listening to him and recovering sooner is now aggravated by him losing - more like having his pen drive stolen by Jisung.

They barely saw the boy, next to his parents only to greet guests around an hour prior and steal a few glances at him looking completely out of place and alone. Chenle is on his flight back from China, or maybe has just arrived at the airport and it will take a while to get ready and join them for the night.

Donghyuck is about to swallow down another drink, a hand around him stopping him abruptly and some of the liquid spills out of the glass and on the floor. He’s quite dizzy, can’t stand seeing Mr. Park smiles at everyone and he’s growing impatient not finding a chance to be alone with Jisung to talk. He needs that pen drive, and he’s sure he can see the shape of it staying in Jisung’s pocket.

“Stop it”. Renjun takes the drink away from him, stern look as he roughly cleans the wet suit. 

Donghyuck pushes him, takes another glass from one of the trays with a dirty look. “Fuck you, Renjun”.

He trips a bit in his steps, biting his lips at the fizzy taste unhelpful to appease his nerves, one lacquered shoe tapping nervously against the squeaky clean floors. He ignores Renjun’s watery eyes, shutting his own not standing the sight with another taste of champagne to avoid any regrets. 

Mr. Park holds his speech, thanking the guests and by that moment Donghyuck is steading himself with the walls behind him, not sure he’s wasted or just nauseous seeing a man who’s ruining his family having the time of his life at a stupid party. He’s not going to get what he really wants but the man’s planned revenge is slowly turning them to dust, Jaemin was the first of a long series of painful results.

And he’s angry, so angry at Jisung for defending him, for trying to cover everything up. He excuses himself to the bathroom but no one is really listening.

Jeno feels a long press of lips to his cheek, turning with lovely eyes at Jaemin who seems tired, dry lips of a pinker shade and eyes blinking quickly. He can feel the linking arms around him asking for support, this is the first time they’re staying outside for this long, and the room is heating up with how crowded it is. They’re used to being alone, maybe have short walks at the park occasionally when they both need fresher air and wider space than Jeno’s garden. 

Jaemin’s knees wobble a little, and Jeno circles his arms around him. “Want to go home?”.

Jaemin shakes his head, everyone seeming busy finding the right people to talk to, share projects and maybe get home with a secured collaboration or college application for their children. “I’m going to the bathroom, get some cold water on my face”.

“Want me to walk you?”.

“No, baby”. Jeno is stunned to see Jaemin properly kissing him, albeit it is a simple one and brief for their usual affection. It means he’s going to be careful, no need to worry, and Jeno isn’t. “See you in less than ten minutes”.

Jeno tries to bite back a smile seeing Jaemin slowly disappearing. He looks better, well, for anyone who isn’t him who’s been witnessing the worst of him. He’s seen many concerned or shocked faces too notice the bright and charming Jaemin walking and looking everything but that boy everyone knows. 

If Jeno thinks of the cocky smile and flirty words they shared the night everything started, it all gets a huge blur in his head. Maybe the day he’ll see that face again he’ll remember, but he has a feeling Jaemin and not even himself are the same boys they were back at Jisung’s party.

And Jeno knows better, he’s caught Renjun staring at him, and he can recognize the thin frown and nervous biting of his lips. He might be mad at him but he’s worried sick, not surprised when the shorter one gets right next to him as soon as Jaemin is out of sight.

“We need to talk, not here”.

“I’m not leaving Jaemin alone”. Jeno side-glances him. Renjun looks, for a lack of a better word, lost. Blown eyes and disheveled ends of brown hair where he has a mullet, the hold of his tie loosened. 

“Less than five minutes, that’s all the time I’m stealing from you”.

Mr. Park’s Launching of the Park’s watch line, January, 21: 45

Jaemin walks in the bathroom, hiding behind a wall as he hears two voices arguing louder. He can’t allow to show himself when he recognizes it is Donghyuck and Jisung fighting, peeking slightly to see what’s going on.

It’s freezing and Jaemin’s teeth tremble, his suit too thin for the strong wind without a coat. The wide open window of the bathroom lets the icy January air filter through his already prickling skin, small needles of biting cold distracting him from the arguing. 

Jisung is walking back, Donghyuck keeps screaming at him walking forward. Maybe he’s worried, he’s seen Donghyuck drinking a lot tonight and that’s the reason why he came all the way here in the men’s toilet. He also feels distraught, so he didn’t completely lie to Jeno - he feels bad about it.

“He fucking ruined our lives!”. Donghyuck screams, thankfully the bathroom stays at another floor and it’s not the main one where most guests go if they need it. This is a second bathroom, distant from where the party is unfolding, the building is big and music is left to a fading rumbling under their feet. “Give that pen drive to me, Jisung”.

“I can’t, Donghyuck, I-”. Jisung stumbles back, holding tight around the pen drive. Jaemin can’t believe he took it with him, also, he already knew it was Jisung stealing it but seeing the boy holding his pen drive in that moment kind of hurts. He thought they were friends, and he could trust him to ask without stealing and taking advantage of his physical state. “He won’t hurt you, he won’t hurt Lia, he’s not like that”.

“Do you hear yourself?”. Donghyuck gets closer to the boy, takes his shirt by his fists and is uncontrollably angry and shaking. “He’s fucking taking my sister to bed, she’s fourteen years old why can’t you see how fucked up that is!”.

“That’s not my father, I- I don’t know- please”. Jisung flinches with a slap on his face, back pressing dangerously to the open window and Jaemin is about to intervene when Donghyuck with eyes shut and glossy tries a last attempt to grab the pen drive, pushing Jisung too strongly in the meanwhile who trips back.

Jaemin gasps loudly, hand covering his mouth and knees falling on the floor when he hears the dreadful scream Jisung makes, falling from the window mixed with the scary sound Donghyuck makes, hands grabbing air because the younger crashes down too quickly with a dull sound, and the only thing Jaemin hears is desperate sobs, ears whistling with panic.

His heart is almost slipping out of his ribcage, hands trembling so much he doesn’t know how strong the pressure around Donghyuck’s shoulders is, watching him completely terrified turning to him, nails digging to his face and shaking repeatedly his head.

“It was- I didn’t- He”. Donghyuck takes some loud breaths, and Jaemin hisses feeling a brief pain around his ear, hugging the boy and helping him to get up. He has to be rational, just for a moment, just to let him know he believes him. He saw it. “It was an accident, Jaemin, an accident I never wanted to-”.

“I believe you”. Jaemin frees the tight trembling fist to take the pen drive from Donghyuck, too shocked to say anything else, falling into a scary silence. “We need to get out of here, it was an accident, we can’t stay here”.

His phone starts ringing and Jaemin shuts his eyes for a moment as he drags out to the other bathroom Donghyuck. It’s quick, he washes his face and tells him to keep it together. Someone is going to notice Jisung, he feels nauseous at the thought and from the insistent way Jeno keeps calling him he has a feeling they already found him. He picks up when they’re standing at the corridor, party going on lively and everyone seems happy and chatty, faltering his conviction.

“Hey baby”. He’s not sure what to do, if Jeno needs to know and deal with this too, he can’t. Donghyuck keeps shaking next to him, and he squeezes his hand as he answers.

“Jaemin, I don’t know how to”. He makes a heavy sigh. “Renjun just called an ambulance, but something really bad happened and I’m sure soon everyone will understand. We need to find Jisung’s family, can you do that for me?”.

Jaemin stills, closes his eyes for a moment as he feels the cold sweat of Donghyuck’s hand and his hold blocking his blood’s circulation from how strongly he curls his fingers around him. “What do you mean Jisung’s family, what am I supposed to say?”.

Jaemin recognizes Renjun’s voice, panicked and probably talks with the paramedics. “I don’t think he’s still breathing, I’m sorry there’s so much blood and his pulse-”. 

“Jisung? Jeno, who’s not breathing?”.

“Jaemin, please tell me you’re fine”.

“I’m going to look for Jisung’s mother”. Jaemin hangs up, horrified face when he has to interrupt the woman talking with her friends.

Launching of the Park’s watch line, January, 21: 45 , outside the building

“Donghyuck hates me, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me”. Renjun is crying, Jeno unsure of what to do. He didn’t know they were together and he could have read through his messages, none of them told Jeno they were still fooling around. He had no idea and thought it was over after Renjun started going out with Yukhei.

“Are you aware the pen drive won’t change anything?”. Jeno holds his wrist, struggles a bit from Renjun trying to push him away but he eventually falls in his arms, crying his eyes out. “I’m sorry. We should have never involved you, and never found anything”.

Renjun is small. Seems fragile but his hold is so strong and firm and Jeno for a moment is not used to it, lack of broad shoulders like Jaemin replaced with some desolated tears ruining the boy’s makeup. “What about Lia? I know she’s smart, but at least Donghyuck can do more than us to fix this. Maybe it wasn’t worthless that he found out”.

“But you’re hurting”.

“Of course I am”. Renjun pulls, drying his tears messily. “I’m worried, angry, I can’t stop thinking about Jaemin, you know? I always stress for him because this contributed to get him where he is”.

“Jaemin is healing”. Jeno frowns, dusts off uselessly Renjun’s suit, smooths it where it’s wrinkling. “But if you can put aside an ounce of your anger and be there for him, I’m sure he’d be grateful. He misses you”.

The moment Renjun smiles and nods, Jeno's face turns into a shocked one and screams something incoherent, voice stuck in his throat and the loud thump against the asphalt outside makes him turn. Renjun’s smile falls, legs giving in the moment he comes closer and realizes whose body lies in a forming pool of blood around his head.

“Call an ambulance, shit, Renjun call an ambulance right now!”.

Launching of the Park’s watches line, January, 22:37 , outside the building

Jaemin doesn’t remember much. He keeps rubbing his eyes, in a futile attempt of forgetting the sight of Jisung laying motionless and out of life on the floor, eyes red and burning with how much he’s crying and his throat constricting in some painful sobs.

Jeno is shocked as well, hugging the boy to his chest, watching the space crowding with more distraught people and sounds and the torn scream Jisung’s mother makes, his hands pushing Jeno closer to his chest in a futile attempt to make him not hear those screams where his heart is pounding at a crazy speed.

Donghyuck is petrified, thankful for Renjun lingering next to him, holding his face and probably whispering some encouraging words. It was an accident, but how on earth are they supposed to move on or pretend he didn’t see it. 

Jaemin’s heart sinks when Chenle arrives, screaming at the parameds who can’t do anything but declare him dead and look at him with pity, fighting because he falls down to the lifeless boy, Jaemin crying as the other frames Jisung’s face and has his suit and hands stained with blood.

“Jis- baby, no, you can’t”. Chenle takes his left hand to his cheek, gold ring covered in liquid red, another excruciating sound. “We promised we would be forever with each other, you can’t be gone, you can’t leave me”.

His voice is completely broken, flebile and higher with pain it makes everyone shiver and quiet down.

Jaemin’s view clouds with tears, breath itching and holds almost suffocating Jeno who seems to not be letting go of him anytime soon. It hurts, he wants to hold Chenle but he feels too guilty, too afraid and if he pulls from Jeno he’s sure he’ll faint.

It’s Renjun instead, crying as he hugs Chenle as they cover Jisung’s body, all spotting a cop car stopping outside. It’s obvious Jisung didn’t fall himself, probably wasn’t even drunk when he technically can’t drink and he was happy, no one would think it’s suicide.

Jaemin bites his lip seeing a lady in a blue uniform approaching them, leaning where they’re hugging.

“Jeno Lee?”.

He reluctantly detaches from Jaemin, the younger still holding his hand almost desperately, pleading eyes at the cop and she seems to understand.

“It’s me”.

“You called an ambulance with Renjun Huang, right? We’d like to ask you some questions, he told us you directly saw Jisung fall”.

Jeno nods, tries to dry his tears and Jaemin squeezes his hand, bottom lip quivering. 

“Don’t worry, you can stay together, it’s just for routine, okay?”.

“Thank you”. Jaemin and Jeno follow the cop where the car is, just lingering there so Jeno can explain what he saw. He also mentions the call he did to Jaemin, and he answers most truthfully. When Jaemin answered he was right at the party, and with the music and chatter it makes sense he probably didn’t immediately answer the phone. He doesn’t know why but he mentions he was with Donghyuck, mentioning him as a friend at first, before they ask the name. 

Chenle is shaking, lost and following some cops to where they suppose the fall might have started. He’s not sure where he’s going, he just got his whole world crumbling when he was supposed to spend the night with Jisung. The only thing he can do is wandering, walking until his breath will yield and he’ll find himself sitting somewhere too tired to move.

He feels the cold air hitting his face, face sticky with tears and eyes burning when he spots an earring on the floor as he washes his hands, still crying and processing it’s Jisung’s blood he’s cleaning off his wrists. Jaemin’s earring. The same one he’s been talking about for more than a year when they were still in fairly good terms, saying he wanted to wear it as soon as he could get his ears pierced. Chenle can’t question anything, but he looks around and picks the small diamond to hide in his pocket.

If there’s something he’s deliriously sure of - and no object of him laying where he’s sure it is the floor from where Jisung fell, is that Jaemin is innocent. Jaemin cared about Jisung, Chenle saw how much he cared in the glances he gave him in the rare occasions they spent together and he could watch their fondness with his own eyes and nothing could have made him push him from a window. 

Jisung really liked and cared about Jaemin as well, and if there’s something Chenle can do for him is to protect him right now. But everything has a cost, and if the older knows something he owes him. Chenle deserves a proper answer.

Silence is unbearable and Jaemin hates the way they eventually had to leave and head home. They stayed for a long time sitting on the couch, staring so much at the walls Jaemin thinks they could talk; telling him he’s a monster for not speaking, but would be as well if he blames Donghyuck and tells what he saw. 

Jaemin whimpers when his forehead hits Jeno’s shoulder, the other is already crying, holding his face as he feels his chin resting on his blonde and messy hair. Lights are dim in the living room, but not enough to hide how broken they look. Things were going approximately well, Jaemin was growing positive they could fix and pick up all the pieces and then, he lost a friend.

Jaemin believes Donghyuck, he saw it, if they fought somewhere safer the worst thing the other did was slapping Jisung’s face. Maybe get out of it with some beaten faces but not with a dead body. He shivers thinking about how Jisung looked, and Chenle. His stomach turns painfully at the thought of Chenle being dragged from Renjun to where he was bending full of blood.

“Nana, your ear”. Jeno slides his thumb to Jaemin’s lobe, eyes widening at the crumbs of dried blood in his fingers.

The earring, he lost it. Jaemin immediately starts heavy breathing before he can think, recalling he felt pain for a moment and Jeno is holding him from panicking. He probably lost it when he picked Donghyuck from the bathroom. If they find it he’s the first one they can accuse, or he’s going to be questioned seriously and they’ll find out.

“Jaemin, breath with me, hey”. Jeno grabs his face, worried, fingers scanning his face and presses their foreheads together. He shakes his head, he can’t, Jaemin can’t ruin their relationship again. But he’s going to rot even more if he keeps it for himself, and it’s not fair to Jeno but he can’t think straight.

“I saw it”. Jaemin sobs, looks down and his heavy head with a migraine falls on Jeno’s chest. “I saw who pushed Jisung”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi <3 i'm sorry it took a while for this one, these are not very easy topics to write about and everything needs to respect the plot and have sense so everything unfolds with the least amount of confusion for whoever reads the story.
> 
> mmh, it was very difficult to keep jaemin's pov only so i hope you don't mind the switching, i think it helps understanding all relationships better (hopefully!).
> 
> i'm honestly sad, i feel sorry for jisung and maybe i cried a little while writing this... i promise i'll proofread anything because i have a bad feeling this chapter is kind of a mess
> 
> i hope you're all doing well and if you want to talk here's my [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne) . thank you for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> i'll (hopefully) see you in the next chapter!
> 
> feel free to let me know your thoughts or if you have a first idea of what might happen! 
> 
> you can also find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jen26do) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


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